Well, nothing says let’s do prom all over again like:

OTIS

That’s right, guess who’s not coming to dinner...

2008 – 100 minutes Rated R (Language, Gore, Violence & Drug Use) Rawfeed Productions and Warner Brother films.

Directed by Tony Krantz (Sublime, 24) IMDB

Written by Erik Jendresen (Band of Bothers) IMDB & Thomas Schanauz (Reaper, X-Files) IMDB

 

STARRING:

Bostin Christopher as Otis the large greasy pizza delivery guy & part time serial killer (Unbreakable) IMDB

Ashly Johnson as Riley the hostage hottie with a plan (Ben 10, Growing Pains) IMDB

Daniel Stern as Will the uptight father (Home Alone movies, Wonder Years, City Slickers, Dilbert) IMDB

Illeana Douglas as Kate the housewife on the edge (Happy Texas, Cape Fear, Pluto Nash, Goodfellas) IMDB

Kevin Pollack as Morton the mean spirited brother (Shark, Santa Claus movies, Willow) IMDB

Jere Burns as Hotchkiss the donkey’s backside of an FBI agent (Dear John, The Mommies) IMDB

Tracy Scoggins as Rita Vitale the reporter with a cause (B5, Highlander, Demonic Toys, Louis & Clark, The Colby’s, Lonesome Dove, Dallas, Dynasty) IMDB

Lawrence Hilton Jacobs the wacky orderly (Welcome Back Kotter, Alien Nation, Roots) IMDB

Jared Kusnitz as Reed the twisted little brother (Doll Graveyard) IMDB

Tarah Paige as Kim the dream girl (Dark Fury, Zombie Prom) IMDB

Burt Bulos as captain obvious the deputy detective (B5, Beverly Hills Ninja) IMDB

Angelo Custino as Scott the grubby little voyeur (Criminal Minds, 6 Feet Under) IMDB

Ellie Gerber as Kim #5 (Tru Loved, Act Your Age) IMDB

Yoda Ushery as the FNI guy (Stiletto, Insanaterium) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Otis has everything he needs to put on the prom of his dreams in his basement, the corsage, the convertible, a cool baby blue tux and a pretty girl he’s decided to call Kim but, when his latest Kim accidentally dies trying to escape before the big day, he forced to acquire he next date from his pizza route to make his dreams come true but, he may just have bitten off more than he can chew this time having picked the daughter of an uptight suburban family full of pent up rage with a truck full of power tools that may just be crazier than he is.

Snipit:

Family – (Reed)”What’s the blender for?” (Mom)”I thought you dad could cut his fingers and toes off and we could blend them into a smoothy and make him drink it.” (Reed)”Thinking outside the box Mom. I like it!” (Dad)”Giddy Up!”

Rating:

I’m dishing out 3 and half prozac’s with some morphine SUL for: the 80’s soundtrack, selling oregano, the candle people, prom in the basement, sniffing your delivery tip, Trans Am drive with fan in the basement, heat lamp torture, getting the 5 iron, a laser pointer retard, taking a bath with your lamp, having you vocal cords curled, calling for permission to take your hostage to the prom, getting your rectum hot wired, taking your chain for a walk and Yaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! Going kidnapping with your lawn gnome riding shotgun nth!

Food:

iFour os six thin and crispy four cheese pizzas with a few slabs of ham on top, a box of gushers, some razzels, a ribbon of zots, a box of vanilla milkshake pop tarts a few fruit loop straws and a sixer of Mountain Dew voltage or whatever made you forget your prom.

Other Memorable Lines:

Police to Reed – (Police)”Do you have a drug problem son?” (Reed)”Ya, I can’t get the good ones.”

Detectives to Family – (Hotchkiss)”I have an 80% recovery rate.” (Dad)”80% recover rate. Really?” (Deputy)”Well we only recovered 60% of Debbie Felcher.” (Htochkiss)”Right. Beautiful legs. Track star.”

Dad to Family – (Dad)”They are going to lock us up in lock up inside of a prison alone.” (Reed)”Well, if your alone you can’t get cronholed.”

Hotchkiss to Doctor – (Hotchkiss)”She’s umm passed out. Is there something you can give her to bring her back? I haven’t finished questioning her yet.” (Nurse)”I’m afraid that will have to wait.” (Hotchkiss)”Doc. Tell me she is going to be alright. I can’t question a vegetable.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Okay so no monkey’s, no midget’s, no robots, no clowns, no pirates, no penguins, no kung fu panda’s, no kitties and no ninjas. But, this is actually fairly entertaining and whimsical in the macabre. Most excellent twist on a bad thing in life that just took too long to build up to their end result. Mix in more of the end without the build up and it’s a great flick for an evening of macabre whimsy where you go, “Ya know there are some real dirt bags out there that I wish someone would do this to and everyone would just look the other way.” So, check it out and enjoy. I managed a grin or two. Otherwise run out and grab your copy of 10,000 BC out on dvd tomorrow. Just stop the movie after the girl dies. That’s all I am saying. Also out tomorrow is Futuramma and the Beast with a billion backs, the Spiderwick Chronicles & oh ya Xanadu the magic musical edition if your into that sort of thing. And if you are, watch Otis first and then Xanadu. Especially if it’s a significant other movie night kinda thing.

Punk go nite nite now.

Well, because I had about 3 minutes to grab and pay for something, it’s:

TRAILER PARK BOYS THE MOVIE

That’s right, big plans & little brains. The movie that beat out Men with Brooms as the highest grossing opening day film ever in Canada.

2008 – 93 minutes Rated R (Language, Nudity Sexual Content & Drug Use) Screen Media Films and Dreamworks SKG.

Directed & written by Mike Clattenburg (Pit Ponies, iPod, Trailer Park Boys TV) IMDB

Also written by Robb Wells who is also in the movie (Trailer Park Boys TV, A Hole in One, Virginia’s Run) IMDB

 

STARRING:

Robb Wells as Ricky the mutton chopped, chain smoking & gold chain wearing trailer park boy ring leader and general role model (Trailer Park Boys TV, A Hole in One, Virginia’s Run) IMDB

John Paul Tremblay as Julian the muscle bound tight shirt wearing & liquor glass holden trailer park boy (Trailer Park Boys TV, A Hole in One, Virginia’s Run) IMDB

Mike Smith as Bubbles the coke bottle glasses wearing sidekick trailer park boy (Trailer Park Boys TV, Cart Boy) IMDB

Lucy Decoutere as Lucy the trailer park hottie (Trailer Park Boys TV, Beefcake) IMDB

Nichole Hiltz as Wanda the car stealin’ pole dancer (The Riches, Dude Where’s My Car, Desperate Housewives & I am pretty sure she was the chick in the picture on the cover of the movie reviewed last time, American Poop, that wasn’t in the movie anywhere) IMDB

Lydia Lawson-Baird as Trinity the barbeque stealin’ daughter (Trailer Park Boys TV, Elf) IMDB

Cory Bowles as Cory the mullet snowmobiler (Wedding Wars, Trailer Park Boys TV) IMDB

Michael Jackson as Trevor the gangsta snowmobiler (Trailer Park Boys TV) IMDB

Glen Michael Grant as Darren the high strung prison warden (Trailer Park Boys TV, Snakes & Ladders) IMDB

Eugene Clark as Cadillac the jailbird with a plan (Land of the Dead, TekWar, Earth Final Conflict) IMDB

Barrie Dunn as Ray some guy in the movie (Black Harbour, No Apologies) IMDB

John Dunsworth as Jim Lahey the drunken trailer park super (Lexx, Trailer Park Boys TV, Stuck) IMDB

Patrick Roach as Randy the assistant trailer park super (Trailer Park Boys TV) IMDB

Shelly Thompson as Barb the trailer park owner (Morons from Outer Space, Labyrinth, Trailer Park Boys TV) IMDB

Sarah Dunsworth as Sara the trailer park tramp (Beefcake, Trailer Park Boys TV) IMDB

Hugh Dillon as Sonny the gentleman’s club owner (Flashpoint, Assault on Precinct 13, Starhunter) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

After getting thrown in jail for trying to rob a cash machine and ending up only with smokes, the trailer park boys get released from jail only to find their world turned upside down with their parking spaces gone, girlfriends having locked them out and the residence of the trailer park trying to have them permanently evicted forcing them to pull out all the stops by trying to stealing the giant amusement bubble of change at the local movie theater culminating in a fire alarm being set off, a trailer park wedding and a police standoff of from which the park will probably never be the same again.

Snipit:

Ricky to audience – (Ricky)”Lucy says I can’t come in the trailer. It kinds sucks but, it’s no big deal. I’m use to living in cars. I have been living in cars most of my life. People kinda make fun of me and throw bottles at me and say how can you live in a car. But, they just don’t understand it’s really not that bad.

Rating:

This baby’s gettin’ 3 prozac’s and a whole mess of Imatrex for: smoking through your stalking mask, faking sign language to confuse the cops, gettin’ thrown out of jail, garbage bag fights, free range kittens, door pansies, the Dark Kanuck, going everywhere with your drink, an ash tray miner, stealing drinks to achieve the two drink minimum, gettin’ drunk with your family, a clearing stick, gettin’ boob nervous, and YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! The lowrider gangsta snowmobile with wheels and a loud stereo.

Food:

A nice four meat pizza with a side of fast franks (adds extra meat and cheese as ya needs) a bog of ketchup flavored potato chips, a box of moon pies, and a jug of rain water blastin’ berry cherry Kool-aide or your favorite potato vodka.

Other Memorable Lines:

Ricky to audience – (Ricky)”Witnesses give prescriptions to the police and once the police have your prescription, your f’d.”

Wanda to Julian – (Wanda)”Are you nervous?” (Julian)”I’m not nervous.” (Wanda)”Yea, you are. You’re all boob nervous.”

Jim to Barb – (Jim)”Sunnyvale is the most important thing in my life!” (Barb)”Are you sure it’s not getting srunk and walking around the park with the hamburgler?”

Sonny to Julian – (Sonny)”Your friends with the ash tray miner and your stealing drinks too?” (Julian)”What did you just say to me? You see this drink? It’s my drink. I Brought it from home.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Okay so I kinda grabbed this in a drug induced technicolor haze event thing. Ya. I think the cover made me laugh. I had no idea this was some high rated and like 10 years running sit com in Canada. It’s no Red Green that’s for sure. But, it had it’s moments now and again hence the rating and the itemization. So, give it a whirl or don’t. I did and I think I remember most of it. I was able to decipher most of the things I wrote on the wall in crayon. So, you may just like it even more. . . or possibly less. I was medicated. You make the call. Otherwise run out and grab Jumper on DVD. It’s lacking but much more entertaining than this was. Also out on DVD today is High Noon the anniversary edition, Otis and if you got the mustard and/or the required chemicals, TekWar the complete series.

Punk go back to staring into the abyss now.

Just in time for graduation and the rest of your life it’s:

AMERICAN POOP

Because life after collage is crap.

2007 – 90 minutes Unrated (Language, Nudity & Drug Use) Road Dog Pictures and Peace Arch Entertainment

Directed & written by Joe Kingsley who is also unfortunately in the movie because he can be (A Father’s Worth) IMDB

STARRING:

Ross Kidder as Russ the lost soul (Sam Hell) IMDB

Amelia Morck as Tara the hottie and old flame (Vanish) IMDB

Randy Tobin as Dirk the degenerate sidekick (The Bet, The Punching Dummy) IMDB

Jonathan Cahill as Mitch the slick networking weasel (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Jason Sarayba as Copeck the level headed friend (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Elizabeth Wright as Mallory the other girl (ER) IMDB

Chuck Kaiton as Moron the moron (A Father’s Worth) IMDB

James Hawkes as the weasel boy in training (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Joe Kingsley as the car lot manager (A Father’s Worth)IMDB

Rich Correia as the TV station owner (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Chris Brennan as the nerdy collage campus cop (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Greg Petralis as the wacky old coot Mr. G. (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Pepe Navaro as Hector the roving cleaner (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Collage campus hot shot and school cable access celebrity Russ life is going just swell and looking bright but, then it hits him. Graduation. Where he finds out that experience and who you know are worth more than his degree leaving him broke, parking cars, cleaning toilets, living at home with his Mom and stuck hanging out with his degenerate go nowhere friends that is unless someone somewhere decides to give him a break. That is assuming that he can not only see the break through his drunken lament but be able to take advantage of it. You know, like if he remembers in the morning and all of that.

Snipit:

Tara to Russ – (Tara)”Well, you will at least have to come and visit me. I will miss you too much if you don’t. Your really good to me. Did you just fart?” (Russ)”Oh how I wish the answer to that was no.”

Rating:

Well, I was thinking I’d give it 2-1/2 prozac’s because it’s slow and just too nice and happy but, then they mocked the Red Sox so, I had to give it (3) Prozac’s, some tramadol for: recycling graduation cards to friends, getting maced and rolling pinned, bowling for dates, a party chicken, a car clown, hot donkey action, wacky golf antics, puking for chicks, a loser montage, Hector the roving janitor, And, well okey dokey getting hit head on at the cross road of your life.

Food:

A Hungy Man fried chicken and mashed potato TV dinner with extra butter and no corn or brownie. Damn brownie. A box of chocolate covered peanuts, some Hanuta’s (cause they got Hazel Nuts), a bunch of club Puff’s and a curd of Ranch & sour cream, a bag of Twizzler’s and a jug of Winder Dairy chocolate milk.

Other Memorable Lines:

Tara to Russ – (Tara)”You have always been able to make me laugh. I will definitely give you that.” (Russ)”Really? And, I haven’t even taken my pants off yet.”

Russ to Tara – (Russ)”You wanna walk me up to the over look to protect me from the high schoolers?”

Copeck to Russ – (Copeck)”My job blows. Everybody is old. I have no one to talk to and I have these conversations with myself in my head all day long.”

Copeck to Russ – (Copeck)”Hey, fine leave me. I’ll just sit around like a loser till the cops come and take me to jail.”

Russ to car lot manager – (Russ)”Well sir I don’t have much car parking management experience per say but, I am quick learner, I have great people skills and might I say that I look great in a yellow homoerotic visor.”

Russ to Copeck – (Russ)”So, should we go party or what?” (Copeck)”Oh I don’t know. Mallory would be pissed.” (Russ)”Ya lets talk about that for a second. If she was a supportive girlfriend she would be here with you right now. So, where is this selfish girlfriend?” (Copeck)”Home sleeping because she volunteers at a mentally challenged hospital at 5:00 am in the morning.” (Russ)”Well, she works with retards. So, there you go. You’re a noble man for dating such a benefit to society and you therefore deserve a night off.” (Ya were gonna just go ahead and check on that story in the morning.)

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, happy freaking the day after Memorial day. What can I say this time. This movie has it’s clever moments but, it drags and it too happy and unrealistic except for maybe the very ending. Bottom line, I just had a week from hell that would be a good basis for a book or a movie and this movie was able to even take me a way for a time. So, give it a try. Otherwise what are you going to do? Buy and watch Rambo IV or the Rambo collector’s set out on DVD tomorrow? See Indiana Jones? Narnina II? Go on a date? You might as well just cry yourself to sleep now and save yourself some time and effort. It will all end in tears I tells ya. Tears.

Punk cry himself back to sleep now.

Well, nothing says beware the prom, or this should scare the hell out of every 7^th grade boys like:


TEETH

That’s Right, every rose has it’s thorns

2007 – 94 minutes rated R (Disturbing Sexuality & Violence, Brief Nudity, Some Drug Use & Language) Genius Products LLC & Dimension Films

Directed & written by Mitchell Lichtenstien (Happy Tear) IMDB

STARRING:

Jess Weixler as Dawn the girl that’s just a bit different (The Big Bad Swim) IMDB

John Hensley as Brad the messed up step brother (Nip Tuck, Fifty Pills, Witchblade) IMDB

Josh Pais as Dr. Godfrey the gynecologist (Law & Order, Rounders, DS9) IMDB

Hale Appleman as Toby the bad kid hiding amongst the good (Holy Roller) IMDB

Lenny Von Dohlen as the odd Dad (Pretender, Twin Peaks) IMDB

Vivienne Benesch as Kim the odd Mom (American Splendor) IMDB

Ashley Springer as Ryan the take advantage boy (The Visitor) IMDB

Julia Garro as Gwen the not so goody goody girlfriend (Normal Adolescent Behavior) IMDB

Nicole Swahn as Melanie the goth chick(Friday Night Lights) IMDB

Adam Wagner as Phil the not so goody goody boyfriend (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Hunter Ulvog as young Brad (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Ava Ryen Plumb as the young Dawn (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Trent Moore as Mr. Vincent the Promise counselor (No Country for Old Men) IMDB

Mike Yeager as Ryan’s wacky sidekick (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Growing up under the shadow of two nuclear power plant coolers in a quiet Texas town, Dawn always wondered if she was different from other girls having joined a Christian promise group promoting no sex till marriage but, when one of the boys in the group tries to force himself on her and he looses his genitalia in the process, she decides to go and have herself checked out only to end up cutting all of the fingers off of the gynecologist’s hand forcing her to go on the run where she some comes to realize that maybe, just maybe God gave her a special gift with which to punish all evil men.

Snipit:

Dawn to Ryan – (Dawn)”You can’t.” (Ryan)”You want me to stop?” (Dawn)”No. But, they’ll get you.” (Ryan)”Who?” (Dawn)”The teeth!” (Ryan)”No, look. I’m conquering them. See, I am the hero!”

Rating:

(3) Prozac’s, some L-lysine & some Rapex for: Mr. Giggles the dirty old man, the deep wood grotto, holding on for a hero, a wading pool attack, getting crabs, going to the dogs, gettin’ the gas, fully clothed porn, feeding your date doggy biscuits, leaving teeth at the scene of the crime, the sex changes everything tee-shirt, the monster movie crotch shot and OHHHHH BOY, high school dating business cards.

Food:

A bag of the new Oscar Meyer mini cheese hot dogs, some curly fries (with sauce), a bag of act II kettle corn, a bowl of Reeses Pieces, an oreo cakester and a giant tiger’s blood Frazil. That’s right, Frazil. It’s Utah product that’s awesome. Doesn’t loose it’s flavor upon melting and get watered down nor does it give you a brain freeze when it’s cold. Try, try it! Get it now. NOW I say. Home of the Frazil

Other Memorable Lines:

Dr. to Dawn – (Dr.)”So, I imagine you have no idea what to expect?” (Dawn)”No, not really.” (Dr.)”Well, don’t worry. I am not going to bite you.”

Ryan to Dawn – (Ryan)”Your mouth is saying no but, your sweet privates are saying yes, YES!”

Toby to Dawn – (Toby)”You don’t have to do anything!” (Dawn)”No Toby NO!” (Toby)”Come ON! I haven’t even jerked off since Easter!”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, ya okay. Ya know I was thinking this would be more funny than serious. That’s what I get for not seeing the Sundance logo on the dvd case. Bottom line, this movie is disturbing with some interesting social commentary. Hence the Sundance showing. So, other than a fairly good theatrical backbone, it only had segments now and again that made me glad I watched it. That and that my friend Mark who is missing fingers on his one hand holding his hand up to the big screen TV and almost perfectly aligning them with the Dr.’s lost fingers. That was classic. So, unless you have a friend missing fingers that can bring some levity to a rather twisted movie, I suggest you just pass it by and get the remastered Indiana Jones trilogy out on dvd tomorrow. At Best Buy, they come with comics. That is unless you can’t stay away from the twistedness of this tale or you need to really scare your 7^th grade boys away from girls.

Punk shudder himself to sleep now.

Well, For those of you who didn’t manage to see it in the theater on the big screen and because nothing says the end of the school like DOA, its:

D.O.A.

That’s Right, They’re Ultimate fighters, they’ve got looks, they’ve got moves and men fall at their feet! You know, just like dating, prom or wondering around any school campus.

2007 – 86 minutes rated PG-13 (Pervasive martial arts & action violence, some sexuality & some nudity) Impact Pictures and Dimension Films

Directed by Corey Yuen (The Transporter) IMDB

Written by J.F. Lawton (V.I.P., under Siege I & II) IMDB

Also Written by Adam Gross (Bill Nye the Science Guy) IMDB

STARRING:

Jamie Pressly as Tina the extraordinary female wrestler (Earl, Joe Dirt, Torque, Horton Hears A Who, Piñata Survival Island) IMDB

Devon Aoki as the ninja princess Kasumi (Sin City I & II, DEBS, 2 Fast 2 Furious) IMDB

Holly Valance as Christine the assassin & Thief (Prison Break, Taken) IMDB

Sarah Carter as Helana the rollerskatin’ judo expert (Shark, Mindstorm) IMDB

Natassia Malthe as Ayane the clan assassin (Bloodrayne II, Stark Raving Mad, Bloodsuckers, Stark Raving Mad) IMDB

Kane Kosugi as royal bodyguard (War, 9 Deaths of the Ninja’s) IMDB

Matthew Marsden as Max the schemer (Resident Evil III, Anaconda’s II) IMDB

Eric Roberts as Donovan the diabolical evil scientist (Heroes, Specialist, Best of the Best) IMDB

Steve Howey as Weatherby the techno geek (Reba) IMDB

Robin Shou as the pirate leader (Mortal Kombats, 18 Fingers of Death) IMDB

Brian J White as Zack the street fighter (Moonlight) IMDB

Kevin Nash as Mr. Armstrong the pro wrestler (WWE, WWF, The Punisher) IMDB

Collin Chou as Hayate the long lost hero (The Forbidden Kingdom) IMDB

Derek Boyer as Bayman the evil Commando Henchman (Gladiators) IMDB

Silvio Simac as Leon the weight lifting bruiser (Undisputed) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When princess Kasumi decides to leave her kingdom and become an outcast in order to find her missing brother, she finds her way to an isolated Pacific island in order to take part in a battle to determine the world’s greatest fighter, which just also happens to be the last place her brother was seen, only to have to band together with a group of finalists to battle for their very lives as their evil host plans on harvesting their powers and selling them to the world’s evil doers setting off a battle royal through which they may just save their lives, find the princess’ missing brother and maybe even get in a few glam shots in the meantime.

Snipit:

Girls to each other facing a large group of attackers – (Helana)”Don’t you think that guy in the second row is cute?” (Christine)”Is there a guy in this world you don’t have a crush on?” (Kasumi)”You can have him but what about the other three hundred?” (Screaming group of men charges) (Tina)”Why don’t we just split them up evenly?”

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and a bottle of Flexeril for: getting’ stuffed in a suitcase, a rose petal bath (for no apparent reason), the deathstar lab room, nanobots, downloading moves, getting’ keyboard keys stuck to your head ( I hate it when that happens), the beach shower and wet tee-shirt death match, the stormtrooper death yell, the sunglasses of power, loading your arm guns, Chinese party invitation stars (right out of thin air), wacky dubbed in sound effects, bouncy boob mode, and YA BOOOOOY, putting your bra on during the middle of an ass kickin’! OH!, Did I mention Ninja’s? Lot’s and lot’s of ninja’s and pirates.

Food:

A box of Parmesan and Garlic crackers with a bag or three of Jack Link’s deli cut sausage bites, a box of vanilla zingers, some candy neon stars, a pack of bubbleicious, some snack packs, a French Silk pie and a bottle of Supernova Mountain Dew (Strawberry melon with a ginseng kicker) if ya can get your grimy hands on one (let me know) or whatever make you bounce around.

Other Memorable Lines:

Weatherby to Helena – (Weatherby)”What do you want me to do?” (Helena)”Protect me.” (Weatherby)”Funny I was just about to suggest the same thing.”

Tina to Bass – (Tina)”Dad! You bit me!” (Bass)”Sorry old wrestling reflex.” (Tina)”I am here to prove my self so I am just going to have to hurt you dad.”

Christine to Max – (Christine)”What about the money?” (Max)”Well, it was me or the money and Weatherby chose me.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Seeing as hoe the last few movies have left me feeling a little underwhelmed and bored, I had to go for a sure hit in a movie I saw in the theaters and now own just incase you and yes, I am talking to you, hadn’t seen this classic bit of fun, hokiness, action, ninja’s, beatin’s, pirates, nanobots and hot women kicking the crap out of everybody. It’s giving Andy Sidaris L.E.T.H.E.A.L. Ladies flashbacks just talking about it and, I needed my spirits lifted this weekend. So, run out, grab it hold it tight and treat yourself like I did. Besides the only other things out on dvd this week Young Indiana Jones V3, The Red Balloon remastered and the Terror of Mecha Godzilla. Or, the Golden Compass. Let’s see, DOA in this hand and The Golden Compass in this hand. Ya, like that’s a choice.

Punk bang head on keyboard now till keys stick to forehead.

Well, nothing says spring is in the air like:

 

SMILEY FACE

That’s Right, getting baked can ruin your whole weekend! (It dang near ruined mine)

2008 – 85 minutes rated R (Drug Content, Language & Some Sexual Material) Apollo Media & First Look Studios

Directed by Gregg Araki (Totally F***’d up) IMDB

Written by Dylan Haggerty (ST DS9, Spongebob, Con Air) IMDB

STARRING:

Anna Faris as Jane F the toasted slacker (Scary Movies, Mama’s Boy, Super Ex-Girlfriend) IMDB

Roscoe Lee Brown as Dr. Seussish narrator (Epic Movie, SOAP) IMDB

Danny Masterson as the psycho Star Wars roommate (That 70’s Show, Trojan War, Dracula 2000) IMDB

Ben Falcone as acting agent (Joey) IMDB

Adam Brody as Steve the dealer (The O.C., Mr. & Mrs. Smith) IMDB

Brian Posehn as the wacky bus driver (Sarah Silverman, Devil’s Rejects, Just Shoot Me, ATHF, Mission Hill) IMDB

John Krasinski as Brevin the lovelorn geek (The Office, Leatherheads, Shrek3, Jar Heads) IMDB

Jane Lynch as the casting director (40 year old virgin, My Name Is Earl, Fifty Pills, Weeds, Alvin & The Chipmonks) IMDB

Danny Trejo as Albert the sausage delivery guy (Machete, Sin City 2, Fanboys, Anchorman, Bubbleboy, xXx, Con Air, From Dusk Till Dawn (all), Trojan War, Replacement Killers) IMDB

John Cho as Mikey the lonely delivery guy (Harold & Kumar, Star Trek, Evolution) IMDB

Marion Ross as Shirley the kindly old lady (Superhero Movie, Spongebob, Happy Days) IMDB

Dave Allen as Hippie #1 (Naked Trucker, Freaks & Geeks, Anchorman) IMDB

Scott Carrot Top Thompson as freaky street guy (Standup Comic) IMDB

Richard Riehle as Mr. Spencer (Office Space, Grounded For Life) IMDB

Michael Hitchcock as the laundry room guy (Mad TV, Serenity) IMDB

Joey Diaz as the security guard (18 Fingers of Death) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When slacker wanna be actress Jane decides to start out her day by playing video games and hitting the hooka, things just go down hill from there when she eats her psycho roommates drug filled cupcakes and then all sorts of wackiness ensues as her life proceeds to go from A to Z– (She proceeds to melt her cell phone and spends the power bill money on more weed only to go into debt to a drug dealer that takes her furniture, smashes a little kids toy model, freaks everyone out at the dentist, tries to sell her government weed to a casting director at a casting call, accidentally lets loose an original copy of the Marxist declaration into the wind, call a geek she hates that’s in love with her for help & money only to get him robbed, winds up at a sausage factory in northern California on her way to Venice where she finally wakes up in a Ferris Wheel in a daze wondering if she should reconsider what she is doing with her life only to get arrested and assigned to trash clean up where she falls asleep in a tire dreaming about getting her next fix.

Snipit:

Jane about roommate – (Jane)”Here’s the deal with Steve. He scares me. See what I mean. Steve is one of those dress in costume and wait in line for Star Wars types. But, angry. Real anti-social. I’ve always tried to stay on Steve’s good side. I mean who knows what can happen with a weirdo like that. I know he made that sign telling me not to but, I had a counter plan. A really good counter plan. I would bake Steve some more cupcakes. Some even better cupcakes. And then, I recognized the true nature of the cupcakes I had consumed.

Rating:

(2-1/2) Prozac’s and a syringe full of Prometh with codeine for: the grapenuts and rootbeer breakfast, a smoke detector beatin’, the world’s most comfy bed, pre frosted cupcakes, seeing demons, cooking the cell phone, a Flock of Seagulls geek, winking pigs, talking dogs, the evil smiley face in the sky, the dead monkey versus bears video game & YES Sunny days! The Sesame Street letter of the day segments!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ya, that was 2 prozacs right there.

Food:

A couple of chessy beffy melts, a bag of Jack Links sausage bites, a box of original smiley face suckers, a few Haunta cookies, a tray of Dick’s Market cupcakes, some smiley face sour gummy poppers and a sixer of A & W crème soda or whatever makes you happy.

Other Memorable Lines:

Jane to Steve – (Jane)”Whoopie you own a UV lamp let’s start the revolution!”

Steve to Jane – (Steve)”Did you just use the word paradigm in a sentence?”

Jane to Mikey – (Jane)”I have to stop my dealer from stealing my bed!”

Narrator – “This has been the story of how a person started at A got to Z and somehow ended up collecting garbage by the side of the freeway. And, I think you’ll agree that much like life itself, it certainly has been one hell of a crazy ride.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, huh. Lot’s of people in this thing. I think they all hit the hooka or went out drinking one night with the director and writer and the rest is history. It’s like a bunch of badly tied together mini skits. You know where everyone is going oh, this would be funny, oh no, this would be funny and so on. It had some interesting parts but it’s definitely not a gem with 2 of the prozac’s being for Sesame Street A to Z and the Dr Seussish narrator. So, unless your on codeine like moi or really are taking weed for medicinal purposes, you may want to skip this unless you need to kill time or just want to piss someone else off. So, just watch Captain Sulu try to show his other talents on Secret Talents of the Stars tonight on CBS or go out and grab TMNT S6, Day of the Dead or the complete series of Super Robot Red Baron all out on DVD tomorrow.

Punk go nappy time now.

Well, nothing says Happy Freakin’ Easter Everybody like:

DEAD CLOWNS

That’s Right, some things are just better off left dead & buried. . .

2007 – 95 minutes rated R (Horror, Violence, Language, Gore & brief drug use) Lionsgate – Directed, written & music by Steve Sessions (Cremains, Torment) IMDB

STARRING:

Pretty much everyone that was Psycho Santa IMDB & Cadaver Bay IMDB.

Brinke Stevens as Lillian daughter of the drunken tug boat driver (Zombigeddon, Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity, Jack-O, Ceaser & Otto’s Summer Camp Massacre) IMDB

Debbie Rochon as the frumpy tormented woman (Devil’s Fork, Horrorween, Poultrygiest, Bikini Bloodbath) IMDB

Lucien Eisenach as the killer on the lamb (Psycho Santa, Wolfika) IMDB

Jeff Dylan Graham as the movie theater night watchman (Pop Skull, Blood Sucking Redneck Vampires) IMDB

Robyn Griggs as Delores the hot secretary (Zombigeddon) IMDB

Kimberley Cole as the other killer on the lamb (Psycho Santa, Dorm of the Dead) IMDB

Eric Spudic as Timmy the wheelchair boy (Driller & Ghost in A Teeny Bikini) IMDB

Jenn Ruliffson as some chick in the movie (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Brandon Carroll as the on the spot reporter (Pop Skull, Big Fish) IMDB

Denman Powers as some guy in the movie (Southern Gothic) IMDB

Krystal Stevenson as the chick with the shotgun (Psycho Santa, Wolfika) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Some 50 years after the small coastal town of Port Emmett voted down a proposed memorial & then decided to leave buried and unrecovered, the clown car from a circus train knocked off of a bridge by a drunk tug boat deriver in favor of paving the roads in town or something else, a fast moving hurricane unburies the long lost & forgotten circus train car unleashing a horde of irate cannibalistic clown zombies that wade ashore bent on taking revenge on everyone left in the town that decide to stay and wait out the storm. That is unless of course someone can figure out a way to apologize and bring and end to the carnage. You know like turning this piece of crap off and suggesting the video store find a way to loose it.

Snipit:

Killer one on the lamb to killer two on the lamb – (Killer one)”That’s why we had to kill him. The man of the cloth was a material witness.” (Killer two)”Do you think the priest went to hell? That would be funny.” (Killer one)”He should’a for only having $58. Seems like a waste to waste a guy for $58 bucks.”

Rating:

(1) giant Prozac’s and some Levaquin for: Smiley corn, getting’ hammered, clown cam, gauze intestines, the worst stabbing ever, a paper mache rock beatin’, the world’s largest movie theater, the 500lbs 2 x 4, spliced in storm footage, first it’s light, then it’s dark, then it’s light again, window sprinklers, about five minutes of dialogue total, getting rid of the zombie curse and OH probably not, Kalopie killing music and O H – B O Y, the were sorry please go away poster board & sharpie sign put out in the rain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Food:

A nice spiral cut ham and a platter of funeral potatoes (Because there not just for funerals anymore), an Easter candy turduckem, a box of Sugar Smacks, a few cartons of robin eggs (cause this movie damn near laid one), a fist full of decorated sugar eggs & a case (or two) of Zip-Fizz! You’ll need it.

Other Memorable Lines:

Ya know, this movie had like a script that was possibly three pages (at the most) total. CLASSIC! However I managed to find a couple besides the snipit. The 1 prozac had to come from somewhere.

On the spot reporter – (Reporter)”The sea looks angry today.”

Alderwoman to killers – (Alderman)”The clowns are out there and they are angry!”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Whew, ya sorry. Just be happy I watched it for you. It’s in the top ten worst movies I have ever seen and I have only ever walked out of one movie by choice. But, hey if you need to have something to get hammered to, here’s your ticket. Otherwise just carefully pick it up at the video store and kick it under the shelving on your way out with Tripping the Rift the movie, Pain Killer Jane S1 (Mmmmm Kristana Loken), The Upright Citizens Brigade Asssscat! Or even the best of the Price is Right all out on DVD today. Or just look for the one exceptionally classic movie that someone who was in this movie for more than five minutes was in. That’s right Eric Spudic was Ghost in a Teeny Bikini. An instant Classic. (Mmmmm Rebecca Love). And, yes it does come in edited and unedited formats to appease all tastes. The edited be good enough for moi.

Punk go bang head on counter now.

Well, nothing says I probably need more sleep like:

Yo Yo Girl Cop

That’s Right, let the sleeper & walking the dog beatings begin!

2006 – 99 minutes not rated (Language, Violence & Graphic Imagery) Magnolia Productions – Directed by Kenta Fukasaku (Battle Royale) IMDB & Written by SirLaosson Dara (Dragonhead, Moonhunter) IMDB & Shoichi Maruyama (Dirty Hero & Scarred Angel) IMDB

STARRING:

A whole bunch of people who’s names I probably can’t pronounce.

Aya Matsuura as Saki the tough street girl turned yo yo cop (Bluelight) IMDB

Rika Ishikawa as Reika some guy/girl in the movie (In a bunch of Foreign stuff) IMDB

Shunsoke Kubozuk as Jiro the mysterious guy (Sunshine Days) IMDB

Erika Miyoshi as Katomi the Catholic School girl (Nothing anyone else has heard of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Hiroyuki Nagato as Kurayami the secret agent liaison (Bandits vs Samurai and a bunch of other stuff I can’t read) IMDB

Yuio Okada as Taie some guy/girl in the movie (Nothing anyone else has heard of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Yuki Saito as Saki’s Mother (Obanzi! & a bunch of other stuff I can’t read) IMDB

Tak Sakaguchi as one of Jiro’s thugs (Hell Stadium, Godzilla) IMDB

Riki Takeuchi as some guy/girl in the movie (Battle Royal, Love Death) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When geeks, nerds & losers start getting blown up at the local high school, the government decides to send in a secret agent but when the agent disappears and a new terrorist website with a countdown on it starts showing up all over town, they decide to pull out all of the stops and send in Yo Yo Girl only to find out that the popular kids have brainwashed the chemistry club into making bombs and now they are planning a rally for the downtrodden and outcasts from all over the country so that they can gather them all into one place and blow them up that is of course assuming it’s not all some elaborate plot to keep Yo Yo Girl and the authorities busy while the real bad guys rob banks. But, hey maybe just maybe Yo Yo Girl can be in two places at once.

Snipit:

Kurayami to Saki – (Kurayami)”When I asked him why he made a bomb he answered,” The daily grind is so boring, I wanted to do something huge! HA, HA, HA, HA!” What the hell. What the hell has gotten into kids these days!”

Rating:

(2-1/2) Prozac’s and some Hayzaar for: an abacus sighting, a pet chicken, the hopin’ mad cop, a neon glow attack van, mysterio the school janitor, Catholic girl detonation, a concrete head dive, laser guns, the white lab coat & yellow suspenders crew, knocking yourself out, a toilet water attack, razor blade yo yo’s, the ticking clock, eye boinks, and YES cubed! Dueling yo yo’s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Food:

A couple of Iggy’s club sandwiches with mayo only and extra bacon, a Denny’s sampler with honey mustard, a box of fiddle faddle, a few snickers’ with almonds, a funky flashing candy yo yo , some ice cream sandwiches and a bottle of bionic grape Cheerio or a packet of Jamaican Kool aide, you make the call. It’s dried hibiscus. You may need to chase that with a real Jamaican Yo Yo if you take that route.

Other Memorable Lines:

Because the English translation is just sooooo awesome.

Saki to new class – (Teacher)”Okay listen up everyone and let me introduce our new transfer student Saki.” (Class)”Yay, whew, ya, ya!” (Saki hitting chalkboard)”Shut up or I’ll beat the crap out of everyone of you!”

Saki to some girl – (Saki)”You were the secret police agent! Why did you betray them?” (Girl)”Because this is just so much more fun. After all, you’re the one acting like a good guy. Your acting like an idiot taking my job seriously!” (Saki)”I don’t have a choice!”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, ya you may just want to go ahead and watch the last 15 minutes of this game unless you really, really, really need something to do and/or you just want to find something to associate with a Friday night and a drinking game because, there is one. http://www.moviecynics.com/item/536

Otherwise, you would be better off getting some sleep or spending you money on Love Boat season one out today on video. Also out of video 101 Dalmatians platinum edition, Horton Hears A Who & Other Seuss Story’s (Cause yesterday was Doctor Seuss’ B-day), & Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.

Punk go huddle over humidifier now.

Well, nothing says happy VD or what the hell:

WEIRDSVILLE

That’s Right, where the days are long and the anti occult knights are short.

2007 – 91 minutes rated R (Adult Language, Drug Use, Sexual Content, & Violence of Course) Darius Films & Magnolia Productions – Directed by Allan Moyle (Empire Records, Pump Up The Volume) IMDB & Written by Willem Wennekers (Night Class) IMDB

STARRING:

Scott Speedman as Dexter the quiet but smart stoner (Felicty, Underworld I & II, XXX II)IMDB

Wes Bently as Royce the stoner ideas man (Ghost Rider, American Beauty) IMDB

Taryn Manning as Matti the girl cleaning up her act (Drive, Hustle & Flow, Cold Mountain) IMDB

Matt Frewer as Jason Taylor the accident prone hippe (Max Headroom, Eureka, STNG, Lawnmower Man) IMDB