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Dec. 21st, 2010

Nothing says Christmas shopping like:

DARK RISING


That’s Right, bring your battle axe!


2007 93 minutes, Rated R (Nudity, Language, Violence & Sexuality) by  Defiant Empire & Black Walk films - Directed and written by Andrew Cymek (Dark Rising II, Medium Raw) IMDB




STARRING:


Landy Cannon as Jason the lovelorn dumb jock (Catwomen, Lexx) IMDB

Brigitte Kingsley as Summer Vale the Demon Hunter (Bury the Dead, Frequency) IMDB  

Jason Reso as the wacky sidekick (WWF, TNA, Shoot’em Up) IMDB

Vanessa James as Jasmine insensitive ex (Nothing Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time) IMDB

Haley Shannon as Marlene the other chick (Gangster Exchange) IMDB

Julia Schneider as Renee the witch (American Pie 3) IMDB

Chadwick Allen as the Demon (Decoy, Posers) IMDB

Jack Newman as the keeper of books (Legend of Gator Face, Mean Girls) IMDB

Peter Nelson as archeologist/linguist guy (Shark City) IMDB

Lara Fenton as the model (Gangster Exchange) IMDB

Madelaine Landry as little girl (P.U.R.E.) IMDB

Taylor Barber as young Summer Vale (Toot & Puddle) IMDB


SYNOPSIS:


When Jason’s ex fiancée decides to go on a camping trip with him and some friends to show him she is a lesbian while he is hoping for reconciliation, his day goes from bad to worse when a demon accidently called into being by one of the other campers suddenly starts killing people, revealing all of the campers true colors in love and friendship as they fight for their lives with the help of a Valkyrie Princess that basically appears out of nowhere.  She may just be part of a secret government project but, she doesn’t remember.           

    

Snipit:


Jason to Renee – “Where’s Jasmine and Marlene?  They are having a moment.  Are they coming?  Probably as we speak.”  


Rating:


(3-1/2) Prozacs and some Lorazepam for: tickle monster, seeking council from a six year old, calling out the demons, giant oversized magic book, demon sex, the bear went over the mountain, Cleopatra arm bracelets (because they are hot!), infinite insta candles, magic top secret government Amazon Valkyire Princess, teaching the tree a lesson, insta hero costume, demon lesbians, getting the chance to really whack your mean girlfriend, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSS, emergency Red Cross underwear nth!


Food:


A nice Norwegian Christmas pork roast with wheat rolls, some Jarlsberg cheese and summer sausage.  A few roasted marshmallows, a book of lifesavers, a bag of buttermints, some good old fashioned hard candy stripped, strippers, stripped strippers, whatever you have access to.  Your favorite battle snax (mine would be Chex bold party mix and some Trail’s Best ham and cheese stix), and a bottle of FuFu berry soda or whatever makes you see demons and magic valkyrie women.


Other Memorable Lines:   


Jason to everyone – “It’s behind me isn’t it?”

Summer to Jason – “Darling, hand me the axe.”

Ricky to Jason – “I put Marlene’s body in the trunk.  Why?  So it wouldn’t attract wild animals.  Good thinking.”

Jason to Ricky – “Who’s that? Christy, you put a telephone in her hand a 900 hundred number on her ass and we could make billions.”

Renee to Bookkeeper – “If this book is so dangerous, why are you selling it to us?  I need the money.  So, my life is worth $16.50?  No, I said all of your lives were in danger so, that’s a little over $5.00 each.”

Jason to little girl – “Before I give this to you I want you to remember something.  Every time you look at this ring I want you to remember something.  One day you are going to meet someone special and your going to have a lot of good times and a lot of good memories and then one day your going to think, your going to be wrong but, your going to be wondering if there is somebody else out there for you and wonder if you deserve better.  And, I want you to remember you don’t.  You don’t deserve better okay?  You get that?  I am sorry I am rambling a little bit here.  I am sure somebody out there just said it a whole lot better than I did.  Probably Shakespeare.  Or Kevin Smith. No, Nickelback?

Wacky Credits:


For Aunt Helen  


Final Stupor of Thought:


This was fascinating.  A fair amount of money spent on something that has a lot of promise but has some slowness and character development issues.  However, often times the slowness/hesitations make it funny.  Worth the watch.  I mean, the Canadian’s turned it into a TV series and there is a sequel in the making.  So go ahead and grab this for yourself for Christmas while your out there loading up on Salt, Futurama V5, Caprica S1.5, The Family Guy Trilogy, Family Guy It’s a Trap and YES, Mega Shark vs Crockasaurus! Happy freakin’ holidays and such.  Push for nerd New Year’s Eve party night at your local comic shop so that I have somewhere to go. Punk go leepy time now.   



2010-12-07 - Bazookas

Nothing says getting what you want or, a day that will live in infamy like:

BAZOOKAS


That’s Right, it calls itself a future cult classic!


2009 89 minutes, Rated R (Nudity, Language & Sexuality) by Thundercrack Films & Baby Straight Productions - Directed and written by Michael G. Leonard (In the Flesh) IMDB




STARRING:


Vinny Duwe as Angus the bumbling youngest son (Nothing Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time) IMDB

Sean R. Brooks as Judah the shifty older brother (Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time) IMDB  

Angela Cohen as curvaceous gym manager (One Life To Live) IMDB

Nicole Galati as Jackie the tough trainer (Nothing Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time) IMDB

Joseph Campellone as the hired goon (Mostly uncredited) IMDB

Steven Nelson as Kirk the lovelorn gym PR guy (Nothing Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time) IMDB

Jason Michael as Dave the trainer of questionable persuasion (Nothing Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time) IMDB

Omar Portilla as Sanchez the  (Mostly uncredited) IMDB

Stosh Zona as Gus Bazooka a man who loves his cans (Mostly uncredited) IMDB

Roberto Lombardi as the wacky janitor (Mostly uncredited) IMDB

Anita Sabherwal as Natalie the exotic accountant (Mostly uncredited) IMDB

Derek DeAngelis as Derek the juice bar guy (Nothing Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time) IMDB

Tanya Badgley as the aquatics instructor (Nothing Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time) IMDB

Mandee Capone as racquetball girl (Nothing Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time) IMDB

Liat Perelman as the receptionist (Nothing Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time) IMDB

Stephen Rourke as the health inspector (Nothing Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time) IMDB

Steven Klaszky as the priest (Mostly uncredited) IMDB



SYNOPSIS:


When Gus Bazooka the owner of Bazookas gym dies after a freak racquetball accident, he leaves the gym to his two sons Angus and Judah.  But when Judah the older son reveals his plan to level the gym to make way for high rise office spaces, the younger son and the employees are horrified leading to a challenge where the younger brother agrees to sign over his half of the gym to his older brother if he and the employees can’t pay off the gyms debt and make a profit within three months.  Wackiness ensues as the gym is given a sexy overhaul and the older brother calls in hired goons to disrupt any progress erupting in an all out confrontation with lawyers, accountants, the FBI and a Scooby Doo chase as the underdogs band together in friendship and business to save their jobs and their livelihood.           

    

Snipit:


Natalie to employees – “Because the cost of running a gym is somewhat constant, I estimate that we need to sell about 881 gym memberships.”  “How did this happen? Why are we lacking in gym memberships?”  “There a number of reasons.  But, it’s mostly due to late night infomercials selling home workout equipment and of course Chuck Norris.”  “I F’n hate Chuck Norris!”  


Rating:


(2) Prozacs and some Astepro for: Fat guy in a little shirt, an ascot, worshiping the velvet nude, putting your coffee maker by the bed, an evil cardigan, a Fastimes pool flashback, striptease aerobics, breaststroke training, shower cams, Darth Vader shoe love, insta attorney, chocolate pudding vandalism, dropping a duce and YESSSSSSSSSSSSS, death from putting them on the glass nth!


Food:


A couple of Lynn Wilson’s burritos with a side of funeral potatoes and a bottle of ranch popcorn seasoning (ranch is like bacon, everything is better with bacon or ranch), a few chocolate pudding snack packs, a carton of Christmas whoppers, a few milk duds, some Twizzlers, a bag of Hersey Nuggets and a bottle of Hank’s crème ale or whatever makes you see boobies.


Other Memorable Lines:   


Jackie to Angus – “Have you ever seen a fat stripper?”

Judah to Henchmen – “I want you to check things out at the gym every now and then.”  “You mean we gotta read books?”

Jackie to Christine – “I feel like William Shatner at a Star Wars convention!”  “You mean a Star Trek convention.”  “A What?”

Wacky Credits:


No but it has real professional music by Loveless and Expanding Man.


Final Stupor of Thought:


Well, this movie was made in Medford New Jersey and seems to have a lot of Italian names and ties associated with it.  So, unless your drunk or want to create a drinking game around when you may or may not see boobies, don’t by it when Cousin Vinney offers to sell it to you out of the trunk of his caddy for a good deal.  I have always found it to be sound rule of thumb advice to avoid confrontation with guys showing chest hair and gold necklaces or just people with giant gold necklaces in general.  Just go buy Inception and the new Shrek with Donkey’s Christmas out on dvd today.  Punk go leepy time now.   

Trailer ("Not Safe For Work", Terrible, Not funny, Gross, Stupid):



 


 

2010-11-22 - Star Hunter

Nothing says Thanksgiving like a little turkey huntin’ in:




STAR HUNTER


That’s Right, It’s Open Season On Earth!


1995, 81 minutes, Rated R (Violence, Drug Use & Some Sexuality) by Main Grip LTD and New Concord Productions - Directed by Fred Olen Ray (Bikini Jones, Bikini Hoe Down, Star Hunter, Alienator & Bikini Drive-In) IMDB and Cole S. McKay (L.A. Heat, The Game) IMDB and written by Mark Litton (Power Rangers, VR Troopers) IMDB
 

STARRING:


Roddy McDowall as the friendly blind lure (POTA, Pinky & The Brain, Tick) IMDB

Stella Stevens as Ms. March the tough Vice Principal (Playboy, Poseidon Adventure)

Rebecca Budig as Carrie the smart cheerleader that is not going to take it anymore (The Guiding Light, All My Children) IMDB

Ken Scott as Pichel the dumb jock (TMNT) IMDB

Zach Ward as Cooper the doped up jock (A Christmas Story, Titus) IMDB

Sean Donahue as Spivak the cool jock (Omega Cop, They Call Me Macho Woman) IMDB

Wendy Schumacher as Leslie the dumb cheerleader (Black Widow Escort, Scorned II) IMDB

Gregg Brazzel as the Star Hunter (Dark Breed, Full Contact Scrabble) IMDB

Fred Olen Ray as the wacky intergalactic tracker(Hard Bounty, Babewatch Evil Toons) IMDB

Hoke Howell as concerned father (Alien Spices, Andy Griffith) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:


When two intergalactic hunters escape a penal colony and make their way to Earth, where they cross paths with a short bus full of football players and cheerleaders not quite cool enough to ride the regular bus which has now become lost in the hood due to the driving abilities of the vice principal.  When the van mysteriously quits working the group just happens to run into a rather friendly blind guy that offers them food and shelter while he calls a cab for them only to find out that it is a trap and that the entire area has been placed within a force field where they are now big game to be hunted unless they can come together and find a way to survive until the intergalactic police tracker who has taken control of the doped up football player’s body can shake off the ill drug effects to take charge and save them all.        

    

Snipit:


Carrie to Pichel – “This is not a good plan.  We are already playing on this things home field.”  “Don’t worry about it.”  “You’ve forgot I have seen you shoot.”  “I’m improving!”  “I bet you say that to all of the cheerleaders.”  “I do!”  


Rating:


(2) Prozacs and some bactroban for: Falling to pieces, the handy dandy fire axe, gratuitous West Ogden bottle chuckin’, a lego stormtrooper, weasel boy, causing sensory overload with your clothes, rolling severed heads, a really cool fog machine, “don’t make me stop this short bus!”, Tempest and Quix video game effects, the clothes line of tinfoil death, ghetto cocktails and YESSSSSSSSSSSSS, here, put this junkies shirt on because there is no way I am taking off this letterman’s jacket nth!


Food:


Some bean and bacon Campbell’s mixed with fried hamburger, mustard, some cheese and a few breadsticks (cooked or uncooked you may the call.  I did.) with a fist full of nuts, a box of double cheese cheez-its, a few reams of zots, some banana bubblicious, a few dozen bottle caps, an everlasting gobstopper and a bottle of Jones turkey and gravy soda, or whatever ghetto cocktail puts you on the couch for the weekend.   


Other Memorable Lines:   


Carrie to all – “If bullets won’t kill it, gas will.  It kills everything.”

Carrie to all – “I think it hunts humans.”  “How can he hunt?  He’s blind!”  “Ya, it’s not like he would be any good at it.”

Carrie to all – “We have to fight back!”  “We can’t even win a football game let alone get to play in one.”

Spivak to all – “What has he got all of these weapons for?” “It’s a bad neighborhood!”

Wacky Credits:


No but you’re going to need some no doze.


Final Stupor of Thought:


Unlike Cyberzone/Droid Gunner, which came out earlier in the same year, this one is a total yawner.  I am not sure if Olen Ray got a bigger budget for the second one or just let the actors do whatever they wanted in the second one.  At any rate, unless you want to own the set this a definite pass on any list.  I am actually still trying to get rid of my copy.  So, skip this whilst you are out and about getting the Expendables and anything else that my catch your eye.  Chances are it’s better than Star Hunter. Punk go sleep now.  

 
 

2010-11-09 - Cyberzone

Nothing says what the hell was that like:




CYBERZONE


That’s Right, Let the Chase Begin!


1995, 90 minutes, Rated R (Nudity, Violence. Language & Drug Use) by New Horizon Picture Corporation, and Royal Oak Entertainment - Directed by Fred Olen Ray (Bikini Jones, Bikini Hoe Down, Star Hunter, Alienator & Bikini Drive-In) IMDB and written by William C. Martell (Steel Sharks, Ninja Busters) IMDB
 

STARRING:


Marc Singer as the hero that can’t be killed (Beastmaster, Dallas, V) IMDB

Matthias Hues as Hawks the muscle bound smuggler (Digital Man, Big Top Pee Wee) IMDB

Rochelle Swanson as Beth the stuck up genius (Illicit Dreams, Silk Stalkings) IMDB

Robin Clarke as Humberstone the corporate God (Horror Planet, The Prize Fighter) IMDB

Kin Shriner as Walsh the dealer (General Hospital, Y&R, Black Sheep Squadron) IMDB

Cal Bartlet as the other corporate God (B&B, Pete’s Dragon, Maverick) IMDB

Robert Quarry as Chew’bah thye underworld crime lord (Alienator, Far Out Space Nuts) IMDB

Ross Hagen as the Cyclops bartender (Bikini Drive-In, Dinosaur Island, Alienator) IMDB

Brinkie Stevens as Kitten the mutant vampire nympho (Zombiegeddon, Dead Clowns, Horrorvision) IMDB

Peter Spellos as Hathaway the whore tester (Demolition High, Cowboy Bebop, Bikini Chain Gang) IMDB

Hoke Howell as the bum (Alien Spices, Andy Griffith) IMDB

Lorissa McComas as head nympho Moria (Lap Dancing, Killer Sex Queens) IMDB

Brittany Rollins as nympho #2 (Masseuse) IMDB

Meaghan Prester as nympho #3 (Masseuse) IMDB

Bianca Rolilli as nympho #4 (Masseuse, Bikini Hotel) IMDB


SYNOPSIS:


It’s the year 2077 and California, Oregon, & Washington have sunk into the ocean leaving Phoenix as the busy space and sea port of the Americas and due to the cyborg wars Earth has outlawed cyborgs fearing they could take over the world.  So, when someone smuggles in four pleasure droids from the outer reaches of the solar system the ruling corporate gods call in a cyborg bounty hunter who tracks them from Phoenix to the morally clean underwater city of New Angeles only to learn that he may not be quite what he appears to be and that at least one of the corporate gods is not only on to him but also trying to take over the world and may be more than he appears to be al well, leading to a fight for his life, and justice for not only the world but all of robot kind as well.       

    

Snipit:


Beth to Jack - ”Oh my God Jack your bleeding.  I don’t have time to bleed.  We need to get you some help.  Let’s go to my place.  I have a bandaide there.”  


Rating:


(4) Prozacs and some  Hydroxyzone for: fish tank effects, card board space ships, vampire sluts, pleasure droids, robot detectors, a good old fashioned quick draw, pulling bullets out of your chest with pliers, sparklers, Cyclops chucking beers, rolling severed droid heads, fried spider on a stick, malfunctioning nympho and YESSSSSSSSSSSSS, barfing up electronics nth!


Food:


A couple of loaded omelet biscuits, gummi spider on a stick, a pack of circuit board bubblegum, a few dozen mounds candy bars or a bag of double bubble (you make the call, I did), some now and laters and a sixer or three of mountain dew typhoon or whatever makes you everyone around you is a robot.  


Other Memorable Lines:   


Ford to Hathaway – “Hey! What’s your lady worth?”

Wacky Credits:


No but there are a ton of continuity mistakes


Final Stupor of Thought:


This is a classic.  This is one of those gems you look forward to seeing and then adding to ye old collection of movies that can make you and your friends laugh anytime anywhere. Can’t wait to see Star Hunter.  So, go on and get it.  Get it now while you can because I think it’s going to be more than a while before it shows on Blu-Ray.  Look for it whilst you’re out grabbing the complete Scooby Doo Collection and Scott Pilgrim.  Punk laugh himself to sleep now.  

 

2010-10-26 - Suck


Nothing says all Halloweeny and such like:



SUCK


That’s Right, Who Knew Fame & Immortality Could Suck!


2009, 96 minutes, Rated R (Violence, Gore, Language & Drug Use) by Movie Central & E1 Entertainment - Directed and written by Rob Stefaniuk (Phil The Alien) IMDB


STARRING:


Rob Stefaniuk as Joey the whiny dork that wants to be a rock star (Phil The Alien) IMDB

Jessica Pare as Jenifer the vampire hottie (Madmen) IMDB

Paul Anthony as Tyler the wannabe punk (Blade Trinity) IMDB

Mike Lobel as the wacky drummer (Degrassi) IMDB

Chris Ratz as Hugo the crazy French Canadian roadie (Puppets Who Kill) IMDB

Alice Cooper as the bar keeper of ancient secrets (Prince of Darkness, Horrorween) IMDB

Calico Cooper as the tough barmaid (Junk Food Horrorfest) IMDB

Moby as Beef lead singer of the Secretaries of steak (Alien Sex Party) IMDB

Henry Rollins as DJ Rockin’ Roger (Crow, Sons of Anarchy, Lost Highway) IMDB

Iggy Pop as Victor the gun tote’n music producer (Lil’ Bush, Tank Girl, DS9) IMDB

Dimiti Coats as Queeny the Rock-n-Roll vampire (Passenger Side) IMDB

Dave Foley as the sleazy band manager (News Radio, Sky High, Kids In The Hall) IMDB

Alex Lifeson as rubber glove wearing border guard (Trailer Park Boys) IMDB

Malcolm McDowell as Eddie Van Helsing (Star Trek Generations, Heroes, Doomsday, Entourage, Metalocalypse, Phineas & Ferb) IMDB

Nicole DeBor as the bottle chuckin’ star of Space Raiders (DS9, Deadzone)

Barbara Mamabolo as Danielle the jazz singer (Zixx, Fast Food High) IMDB

Carole Pope as the bouncer with an attitude (Trailer Park Boys) IMDB


SYNOPSIS:


The Canadian band The Winners are a bunch of losers facing the harsh reality that they should call it quits but, when their bassist shows up for after an all night party looking a little different, crowds start to gather and people start to find the band mesmerizing.  As the band’s popularity takes off the rest of the band begins to wonder what is going on until they walk in on their bassist munching on the lead singer of the band they opening for forcing them to take action and lay down some new band rules concerning vampires.  However, as each one of the other band members gives in one by one to being a vampire, their popularity climbs higher and higher and life seems good if not all together better than the plain old sex, drugs and rock-n-roll they were use to.  That is until they find themselves uncontrollably killing people they like sending them on a journey to find the vampire that started all of this to take him down and hopefully return to being normal but, still famous.   

    

Snipit:


Alice Cooper to Joey - ”I would say your thirty pounds of junk food and one retail job away from killing yourself.  Just a guess.”


Rating:


(3) solid Prozacs and some Biaxin for: Fat guy in a little coat, a slush bucket, the spinning velvet couch (I think this may be a new ride at Disneyland), junkie from hell, bat flying into a bar, a glow in the dark solo, gettin’ slurpeed, taking your flashlight to the dance club, getting hit in the head with a bottle, a USDA stamp tattoo, gettin’ staked by the gee-tar, magic pills, trying some groupie, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSS, Mr. Rogers/claymation travel map effects nth!


Food:


A tub of Red Baron pan pasta rotini in cream sauce topped with bacon, a bag of candy corns, some fun size snickers, some candy coffin bones, cotton candy cob webs, a crazy bone lollipop, some gummi shot glasses and a few bottles of Virgil’s all natural micro brewed vanilla cream soda or whatever makes your surroundings foggy.  Like a slush bucket.  


Other Memorable Lines:   


Jeff to Joey – “As your manager I am advising you to fire your manager.”

Jeff to Joey – “I am going to have to take this call outside and then you know, go home.”

Jennifer to Joey – “I don’t want to sleep in the heurist, it smells like the drummer.”

Joey to all – “Rule number one, you are not to turn any member of the band into a vampire.  Hey, she promised me immortality.”

Victor to Joey – “I’ve been around a lot and let me tell you what I have learned.  Always use a condom, and get rid of the vampire.”

All to Van Helsing – “Hey, you killed our drummer!”

Wacky Credits:


No but the movie is full of scenes recreating famous music LP covers.




Final Stupor of Thought:


Definitely a case of too much story getting in the way of the movie.  But, the five or ten minutes between the awesome parts makes it worth watching.  So, go out and grab it tomorrow for you Halloween party while your getting all your goodies, Clone Wars S2 and the Venture Brothers S4.1 out tomorrow on dvd with the Back to the Future set, Aliens Anthology and War of the Worlds the complete TV series.  Punk go turn on porch light an wait for trick-or-treaters.  Somebody please come, please…  I have a crate paper pumpkin and a copy of this movie.



2010-10-12 - Death Bed: The Bed That Eats!


Nothing says, “where the hell is Punk” like:


DEATH BED


That’s Right, It’s the Bed That Eats!


1977, 80 minutes, Rated R (Language, Nudity & Frightening Scenes) by Barry Designs & Cult Epic Entertainment - Directed and written by George Barry (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)) IMDB



STARRING:


William Russ as the caring brother (The Young & The Restless, Boy Meets World) IMDB

Dave Marsh as the artist (CREEM Critic – Coined the genre Punk) IMDB

Ed Oldani as the male victim (Detroit 9000, Nymph) IMDB

Jock Brandis as the priest (Scanners, Maximum Overdrive) IMDB

Demene Hall as tough secretary (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Julie Ritter as Susan the flower girl (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Linda Bond as the resurrected (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Patrick Spence-Thomas the voice of the artist (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Rosa Luxemburg as Sharon the dream girl (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Dessa Stone as the female victim (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Marshall Tate as the side order (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Samir Eid as the gangster (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Fred Abdenour as the other gangster (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB



SYNOPSIS:


A day’s hick from the nearest road lies a crumbling mansion with a strange brick & stone out building at the far edge of the property which has a knack for attracting unwary travelers enticing them with it’s warmth, cleanliness and a giant well kept four post bed with a canopy and curtains which just happens to be possessed by a evil spirit with an insatiable hunger for food of any kind, except metal, until a girl that looks just happens to look like the girl that broke a demon’s heart and created the bed.  And, this all culminates is some really strange séance, fire, death, and the destruction of the bed as the curtains are closed on it forever.

    

Snipit:


Tough Secretary to self - ”This place looks clean for having been abandoned for so long.  I sure hope there’s not a maniac around.”


Rating:


(3) Prozacs and some Triam for: an empty room with a bed and a picture of the bed in it, man in the painting, chainsaw necklace, taking the bed for a walk, stabbing & shooting the bed, bed foaming at the mouth, drunk bed, the bed that snores, getting skeleton hands, bed drinking Pepto-Bismol, Mr. Potato Head bed, lasso bed sheets, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSS, the newspapers reporting strange munching sounds heard during the middle of the night nth!


Food:


A cold bucket of Deli hot wings and a bottle of ranch dressing, a nice large block of sharp cheddar, a bag of Chex bold party mix, a couple of red candy apple lollipops, a box of Nic-L-Nips and a nice old fashioned vanilla milkshake or whatever give you a brain freeze and leaves you the bathroom for several hours.  Or, you could have some wine with that cheese…       


Other Memorable Lines:   


Just one and it’s the snipit.  This movie is seriously lacking in any coherent dialogue.

Wacky Credits:


No but the special intro by the director will scramble your brain.


Final Stupor of Thought:


Well, Atropos asked for it and, I got it.  I really got it.  Watching the bed eat is pretty classic but you have to wade through all of the incoherent parts in between.  So, this is a good flick for a living up a dead party, watching while sick and medicated or drunk.  Which, in my experience are all the same thing.  So, while your out getting Jonah Hex, Dexter’s Lab S1, and the original Christmas Classics on Blu-ray today or How to Train Your Dragon on Friday, pick it up.  Or don’t.  I know there has always been some comedic speculation about a sequel called the Stove that rapes but, I have yet to prove it existence.  However, that hasn’t stopped from watching other non existent movies in the past.  Punk go sleepy now.

Patton Oswalt describes Deathbed.  It contains adult language.  NSFW.

 



 

 

2010-08-31 - Devil's Dynamite


  Nothing says sequel like:

 

DEVIL'S DYNAMITE (Or Devil Depending on What you Look at - They Couldn't Afford the 's' on the dvd title menu)

That's Right, Another Thomas Tang Production With Kung Fu Fighting S'plodin' All Over the Place!

1987 (Huh, the first one dates 1988), 90 minutes, Not Rated (Language & Violence) by Filmark International Ltd. & Deimos Entertainment - Directed by John Livingstone (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)) and written by William Palmer (Robo Vampire) IMDB

STARRING:

Mick Stewart as possibly Sam Cox. That's right, Sam Cox and they will keep reminding you of that every few minutes or so (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)

Walter Bond as possibly the Futuristic popping in and out of space and time Androibot space warrior '(Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)

Richard Phillips as possibly a ninja (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)

Ted Wald as possibly Mr. Fox the evil goon leader (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)

Eddie Leo as possibly the good friend Wells? (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)

Mark Loston as possibly the mystical advisor (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)

Gordon Kay as possibly the master of good (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)

Wallace Joos as possibly the good cop (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)

Glen Carson as possibly the Inspector (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)

Angela Mao as possibly the underworld ruler Madam Mary (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)

SYNOPSIS:

It's been ten years since the drug kingping Steve Cox (Remember, Steve Cox), and his organization were taken down by the robo warrior.' Now, he is out of jail and looking vengeance, only to find that his former girlfriend has taken control of all of the areas criminal organizations including his old mystical advisor and his vampire zombies in order to stage a plot to take over the government to then have unlimited resources to find his buried gold.' So, he decides to try and bring down her empire by himself but ends up getting some help from a mystical futuristic space warrior and his master who have sensed a disturbance in force and wish to help and maybe even bring him redemption.

Snipit:

Thug to Henchman - 'Be a real man and do unto yourself as others want to do to you!'

Rating:

(4) prozacs and some vitamin E for: cars s'plodin' for no reason, puff the magic ninja, mystical finger painting, more hopping mad vampire zombies, instant clown paint, going through more furniture than IKEA, a reverse chalk outline, playing hide and go seek with the blindfolded kid, can you hear me with this ski mask on, an anti sorcery mirror, vampire zombie acupuncture, forming Voltron energy (ya five different colored kokeshi voodoo dolls jump into the andriobot to energize him, getting your nuts and bolts bitten off, vomiting up a whip and a rubber chicken, spiritual wood and WHOOOCY MAMA, break dance fighting nth!

Food:

A few spare ribs and another piece of lettuce, a carton or two of Target mini cupcakes, a bag of circus animal cookies (cause they are frosted and have sprinklers and have been off the market for a while), a fist full of laffy taffy stix, and a pitcher of Kool-Aid Blastin' Berry Cherry or whatever makes you giggle uncontrollably.' '''''

Other Memorable Lines:

Mary to Cox ' 'What are you ding here!' Nothing Special. I just wanted to see my old house.' And, the BITCH that betrayed me!'

Wacky Credits:

None and, no animals were harmed in the making of this movie.

Final Stupor of Thought:

Not quite as awesome as the 'prequel' but, a secondary awesome none the less!' Not much else I can say except, it's Sam Cox and if you didn't buy this with Robo Vampire while you were out and about last week, you need to.' If nothing else, just so you can say you have seen them.' Good fun, good laughs.' Grab them before they are gone while you are out getting The Evil Dead on Blueray, Black Blood Brothers and the Family Four pack with Mule Feathers and Zindy the Swamp Boy.' Punk go sleepy now.



2010-08-17 - Robo Vampire


Nothing says summer heat like:



ROBO VAMPIRE


That’s Right, it’s Robocop versus vampires!


1988, 91 minutes, Not Rated (Language, Violence & Drug Use and Brief Nudity) by Filmark International Ltd. & Deimos Entertainment - Directed by Peter Godfrey Ho (Robo Kickboxer, Full Metal Ninja) IMDB and written by William Palmer (Devil’s Dynamite) IMDB



STARRING:


Robyn Mackay as probably the Robo Warrior (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Nian Watts as some guy in the movie (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Harry Myles as some guy in the movie (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Alan Drury as probably the head vampire (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Sorapong Chatree as Ray the special forces guy (Ninja Destroyer) IMDB

Ernst Mausser as Drug Lord (Bullet in the Head) IMDB

Joe Browne as some guy in the movie (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Nick Norman as some guy in the movie (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

George Tripos as some guy in the movie (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

David Borg as some guy in the movie (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Diana Bryne as some girl in the movie (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB


SYNOPSIS:


When one of the DEA’s only non corrupt far east agents is killed, they secretly rebuild him bringing him back to life faster, bigger, stronger and better making him a Robo Warrior to bring a halt to all of the corruption and drug exporting in the far east.  Thus forcing the the drug king pin to turn to his mystical advisor to create an army of undead enforcers in order to restore his empire, leading to an all out battle of wacky henchmen, zombies, ghosts, sparklers, and a guy covered in Jiffy Pop pans!

    

Snipit:


Christine to Robo Warrior – “Please don’t kill us!  Okay, you can kill us but wait till our love is consummated!”


Rating:


(5-1/2) prozacs and a xanax for: the worst medical care ever, death by sparklers, Oh, those aren’t really rubber Halloween gloves are they?, worst stunt double ever, a painted pvc bazooka, an ascot, possibly the best chase sequence ever, extendo arms, Scooby Doo soundtrack, a parasol of death, blessing your drugs, attacking the fog, vampire vomit, gettin’ woked, three stooges magic, vampire sleep post it notes, vampire in a jar, a poultrygiest, hoping mad zombies, vampire and ghost sex, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS, gorilla vampire nth!


Food:


A whole bucket of original KFC wings with a quart or two of mashed potatoes and gravy, a few Hanuta’s, a chick-o-stix, some morinaga Hi chews, a box of Botan rice candy, some mini éclairs and a bottle of watermelon wallop tang or whatever takes you back to the 80’s or at least the 70’s in the 80’s.       


Other Memorable Lines:   


Ghost to Taoist - How dare you take my lover's corpse Taoist and turn it into a vampire beast!  Now he is condemned to a living death and we can never be together in the afterlife!  But he is from the east and you the west. How can you explain this? Orientals are a stubborn race. Both his parents opposed our marriage. It was then that we decided if we could not be togther in this life, Peter and I would be together forever in the afterlife! You have robbed us of this by turning him into a vampire beast! Now my thoughts are of revenge!

Wacky Credits:


None but YES, Animals were harmed in the making of this movie!


Final Stupor of Thought:


WOW!  This was awesome!  A little long and missing the midget but other than that, this will make for a terrific movie party, Friday night kegger or whatever else you are maybe into.  I am sure this could be worked into night of classic entertainment.  So, go on!  Get out and dig this gem up while your out this week grabbing the Rocky & Bullwinkle show S4, the Drive-In Cult Classics set, and the Cult Terror Cinema set and you may just even stumble across it’s sequel Devil’s Dynamite! I did.  Stay tuned.  Punk go sleepy now.



2010-08-03 - Defendor

Nothing says it’s Kick Ass day like:

DEFENDOR


That’s Right, it’s time to fight back!


2010, 101 minutes, Rated R (Language, Sexuality, Violence & Drug Use and Nudity) by Buck Entertainment & Sony Home Entertainment - Directed and written by Peter Stebbings (Nothing else written & directed – Actor – Jeremiah, Mutant X, SG-1) IMDB
 



STARRING:


Woody Harrelson as Arthur Poppington the mild mannered Defendor (Zombieland, Cheers, Disney World of Color) IMDB

Elias Koteas as Chuck Dooney the corrupt undercover cop (TMNT, Thin Red Line, Contact ) IMDB

Michael Kelly as Paul the good friend (Generation Kill, The Sopranos) IMDB

Sandra Oh as Dr. Ellen (Grey’s Anatomy, Arliss) IMDB

Kat Dennings as Kat the good hearted Prostitute (Nick & Nora, 40 Year Old Virgin) IMDB

Clark Johnson as police Captain Fairbanks (The Wire) IMDB

Alan C. Peterson as Kristic the crime boss (SGA, SG-1, Mutant X) IMDB

Ron White as the judge (War Of The Worlds Tv, Mutant X) IMDB

David Gardner as grandpa Henry (War Of The Worlds Tv, Mutant X) IMDB


SYNOPSIS:

When a mentally and emotionally challenged man who spends his spare time being a super hero takes in a down and out prostitute who thinks she has found someone she can take advantage of, she unwittingly starts telling him about the local crime scene and how things go up the ladder to one really bad man, who he becomes sure is the Captain of Industry and his right hand man the Pusher that his grandpa told him killed his mother.  This forces him to pull out all of the stops and take on the crime boss and his men to avenge his mother, save the city and quite possibly save the girl and the police department all while gaining the adoration of the people.

    

Snipit:

Paul to Judge – “He thinks he’s a super hero.  That’s why heas all beat up like that.  He dresses up in tights and calls himself Defendor with a big “D” on his chest and a cape.”  “No, capes are flying.  I don’t fly.”


Rating:

(4) prozacs and multi Vita Man for:  a duct tape “D”, the painted on mask, it only hurting when you breathe, a back up alert signal on your hero mobile, stopping and getting lunch while in costume, helmet cam, a trench club, chucking marbles, nutcracker finger torture, studying for your pshyc test, the jar of angry wasps grenade, aqua velva bombs, lime juice torture and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS, getting your marbles back nth!


Food:

A chicken fried steak with country sausage gravy, Krustez waffles and a piece of lettuce, a few zots, some pop rocks, a few nerds and a bottle of bug juice or whatever makes you think you’re a super hero.       


Other Memorable Lines:   

“Captain its Defendor with an or not an er.  He flips out if you get that wrong.”


“I was helping him feel bad so that he could feel bad.”


“It only hurts when I breathe.”


“Are you Japanese?  No, I am Korean from Earth.  Is that going to be on the test?  There is no test.  I thought I was being tested?  No, this is an evaluation.”  


Wacky Credits:

None.


Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, it was unexpected but, this was really enjoyable.  Not what I was excepting at all.  It is a little slow in parts but is in the vein of Kick Ass with a twist.  Is it a hilarious “B” movie?  No, it’s just a good enjoyable movie where you could really see this happening in real life more than say Kick Ass.  Its fun and you really do buy into the character rooting for him no matter how bad of a super hero he really is.  So, when you are out tomorrow buying Kick Ass, pick this up with Heroes S4, and the Complete Hawaii 5-0.  Also, out on Blueray tomorrow, The Breakfast Club, Escape From New York, and Piranha!  Coming soon, Max Headroom the complete series.  Punk go sleepy now.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=do7ur4ji7r8