Nothing Says No Sleep Like:

EVIL BONG 2: KING BONG

That’s Right, it’s in 3D if you’re stoned!

2009, 80 minutes, Rated R(Language, Drug Use & Nudity) Full Moon & Wizard Entertainment – Directed by Charles Band (Puppet Master Movies, Doll Graveyard, Demonic Toys Movies, Trancer Movies, Sub Species Movies, Blood Dolls, Ginger Dead Man, The Creeps, Oblivion Movies & Etc.) IMDB & Written by August White (Skull Heads, Gingerdead Man, Dangerous Worry Dolls, Doll Graveyard) IMDB

STARRING:

Brett Chuckerman as Alistar the geeky nice guy (Crush, Greek) IMDB

Sonny Carl Davis as the wacky Delivery Guy (Evil Bong, The Santa Trap, Air America, Bad Channels, Seed People, Fast Times & Ridgement High) IMDB

Brian Lloyd as Brett the jock stoner with an eating problem (Candy Stripers, Doll Graveyard, Huff, Bald, Evil Bong) IMDB

Mitch Eakins as Bachman the surfer stoner with a sleeping problem (Justice, Boxboarders, Glory Road, Evil Bong) IMDB

John Patrick Jordan Lunell the collage dropout stoner with a sex drive problem (Prison Break, Passions, Days of Our Lives, Evil Bong, American Pie – Book Of Love, The New Porky’s) IMDB

Amy Paffrath as Velicty the jungle explorer in search of medicinal weed (I Kissed a Vampire, Propel, M80, Hauntsville) IMDB

Robin Sydney as Luann the uptight girlfriend (Cattle Call, Oliver Bean, Ginger Dead Man, Garden Party, Big Bad Wolf)

Michele Mais as the evil bong (Southside, Outlaw Golf, Adventures In Babysitting)

Michael A. Shepard as the voice of the King Bong (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about)

Jacob Witkin as the crazy uncle (Gingerdead Man 2, Showgirls, SW Jedi Knights, The Mummy: TDE) IMDB

Ariel X, August, Emilanna, Kat & Kyle as the Poontang tribe

SYNOPSIS:

When the three stoners possessed by the original evil bong start exhibiting nasty side effects, namely narcolepsy, extreme munchies and uncontrollable sex drive, they call in the smartest guy they know. The local nerd that saved them from the evil bong. After some investigating Al digs up a long history which culminates in a trip to a remote Amazon jungle where the unholy bong may have been made by a mysterious jungle tribe only to stumble across a group of scientific explorers who are studying the medicinal uses of some strange weed found in the shadow of what just may be the world’s oldest and largest bong. Trouble is the ancient edifice has a tendency to suck in people souls forcing the stoners to take on the evil entity by finding and destroying it’s source of power all while trying to resist the seductive attacks of the all female tribe that protects the idol in addition to dealing with their ailments.

Snipit:

Al to Lunell – (Al)”Well, it sounds like he’s narcoleptic.” (Lunell)”Narcs! Dude! We don’t mention NARCO in this house.” (AL)”Well, in all candor, you look a little haggard.” (Lunell)”Haggard! You don’t even know the half of it. I haven’t slept in days.” (Al)”Have your studies been keeping you up?” (Lunell)”No man. I dropped out. Well, I was kicked out. I’m actually on the run. I set fire to the administration building.” (Al)”You What!?” (Lunell)”Ya man that place was a corrupt institution. They all are. Collages, universities, and schools of higher learning. Total Donkey Dick Bro! They are all in league with government trying to control our minds and make us all think alike.”

Rating:

(2) prozac’s and some promethazine for: the recap intro, a TV with a hole in it, gettin’ rolled, jungle weed, making out with a skateboard, getting’ doobied, a crystal skull, getting’a woodie in the eye, taking a bone to the bling, magical medicinal weed, the poontang tribe, blacking out at random and YESSSSSS, carzy jungle hippie! Nth!

Food:

A nice Totino’s Canadian bacon pizza with cottage cheese, some Chick-o-Stix,a box of jelly doughnuts, some chiclets, some candy cigarettes, a bottle of Tang, or whatever keeps you up at night.

Other Memorable Lines:

Lunell to Al – (Lunell)”Give me some nucks.”

King Bong to everyone – (King)”Giggle like you’re a Mormon in church!”

Cyril to Velicty – (Cyril)”I’m not a doctor, I’m a capitalist!”

Lunell to Al – (Lunell)”Sorry dude but my chod’s on fire!”

Lunell to Sonny – (Lunell)”Hey delivery dude, you’re a preacher now?” (Sonny)”That’s right, I am only delivering souls now.”

Velicty to all – (Velicty)”None have seen the Poontang tribe since the stone age!”

Wacky Credits:

None worth mentioning

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, this blew more than the original. So, once again, unless you’re a Band/Moon fan, you probably outta pass it or just see the first one unless you’re a sequel hound. It does however have the bonus feature of Shatner interviewing Stan Lee from the Master’s of Horror for some reason. That IS worth watching. Otherwise, go grab Killer Bud with Bud Bundy and give it a watch if you haven’t already. If you have, then run out and grab Up on dvd today along with Cars and Monster’s Inc on blueray in addition to Logan’s Run, The Watchmen Ultimate Cut and 40 years of Sunny Days the Best of Sesame Street. Awesome! Nothing like watching them explain the death of Mr. Hooper to puppets. Just brings a tear to one’s eye thinking about it. Best TV show ever. Oh, and grab Clone Wars season 1 if you haven’t already.

I Punk being of sound mind and body (ya that’s a laugh), go nite, nite again.

Nothing really says all Hallows Eve like:

TRICK’R TREAT

That’s right, if you don’t follow the rules tonight you won’t live to see tomorrow!    

2009, 82 minutes rated R (Violence, Horror, Some Sexuality/Nudity, & Language) by Legendary Pictures & Bad Hat Harry Productions - Directed and written by Michael Dougherty (directing – Seasons Greetings, writing – X2, Superman Returns) IMDB

STARRING:

Dylan Baker as Stephen the slightly crazy principal (Drive, Spiderman Movies, Planes-Trains & Automobiles) IMDB

Quinn Lord as Sam/Peeping Tommy the spirit of Halloween (Deck the Halls, 3-2-1 Penguins, Space Buddies) IMDB

Brian Cox as Mr. Kreeg the man that hates Halloween (Bourne movies, X2, Deadwood, The Ringer) IMDB

Tahmoh Penikett as Henry the medieval boyfriend (BSG II, Dollhouse) IMDB

Brett Kelly as neighborhood hoodlum (Bad Santa, Sandlot 2) IMDB

Britt McKillip as the snobbish ms popular (Dead Like Me, Sabrina’s Secret Life) IMDB

Anna Paquin as the virgin in search of a man(X-Men, X2, True Blood) IMDB

Christine Willis as the neighborhood party lady (Reaper) IMDB

Lauren Lee Smith as Danielle the Cinderella hottie (CSI, The L Word, Mutant X) IMDB

Leslie Bibb as Emma the girl that hates Halloween (Iron Man, Popular) IMDB

Rochelle Aytes as Maria the Snow White hottie (Drive, White Chicks) IMDB

Moneca Delain as Janet the Little Bo Peep hottie (Agent Cody Banks) IMDB

Isabelle Deluce as Sara the girl in head gear (Psych, Stealing Christmas) IMDB

Jean-Luc Bilodeau as Schrader the cool kid (Kyle XY) IMDB

Samm Todd as Rhonda the savant Wiccan (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Zip as Spite the dog (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

The spirit of Halloween is strong in Warren Valley Ohio where they are big on celebrating the night with parties, parades and general revelry but the town has a few problems. Namely a crazy old coot that hates Halloween, a pack of werewolves, a vicious serial killer and an undead bus of special-ed students all with their own grudges, secrets and agendas. But, the spirit of Halloween has decided that it’s time to level out the playing field and restore a bit or normalcy to the town by interweaving the evenings of all of the bad eggs and taking care of a few other matters of business along the way.                

Snipit:

Mr. Wilkins to Charlie – (Mr. Wilkins)”That can’t be good for your diabetes Charlie?” (Charlie)”Uggggggh.” (Mr. Wilkins)”Don’t waste a good lie on this. It’s just candy. I’ve got more. So, why don’t you sit down and stay a while.” (Charlie)”Uggh I can’t…..” (Mr. Wilkins)”Sit down Charlie!” (Charlie)”Stomach gurgling and he’s coughing.” (Mr. Wilkins)”Are you okay? Do you need a root beer? Oh wait there’s one more Halloween tradition. A very important one. Always check you candy!”

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and some Advair for: Candy traps. Ron Popeil, a good egging, being the runt of the litter, centaur getting a pretzel, a sheet killing, vomiting up your insides, going for the Achilles, 30 years ago is like the 1950’s, putting a hellhound mask with glowing eyes on your dog, scalpel in the candy bar, taking more than one piece of candy from the serial killers porch bowl, getting out the big knife, watering the lawn gnome and, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS giving the sucker punch of death!  

Food:

A plate of scrambles eggs with chunks of ham and spaghetti O’s, a box of Halloween crunch, a few fun size snickers, a candy corn lollipop, a few gummi boo boo’s and a bottle of Thomas Kemper vanilla crème ale or whatever makes you nauseated. 

Other Memorable Lines:

Mr. Wilkins to Charlie – (Mr. Wilkins)”That can’t be good for your diabetes.”

Rhonda to Chet – (Rhonda)”I like your eye patch!”

Billy to Dad – (Billy)”Charlie Brown is an A-hole!”

Danielle to group – (Danielle)”I’m not wearing this. It’s too small and my boobs keep popping out!”

Mr. Kreeg to Mr. Wilkins – (Mr. Kreeg)”What are doing back there? Burying bodies?” (Mr. Wilkins)”No. Just a septic problem.” (Mr. Kreeg)”Is that why it smells like a whore died back here?” (Mr. Wilkins)”Get if fixed and keep your kid out of my yard. Damn freak!” (Mr. Wilkins)”Happy Halloween.” (Mr. Kreeg)”Screw you!”

Mr. Wilkins to self – (Mr. Wilkins)”Daddy I wanna carve a pumpkin! Daddy I wanna go to the parade! Daddy I wish mommy was still alive!”

Henry to Emma – (Henry)”Hey don’t blow the pumpkin candle out. Your supposed to keep it lit. It’s tradition.” (Emma)”Whatever. It’s Halloween not Hanukkah.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

This was fun. Worth seeing at least once. Some stuff that you won’t expect, some stuff you go, “What?” and some laughs mixed in with a few first time jolts and spirit of Halloween character that is really, really awesome. It’s four separate story’s woven together nicely. Reminiscent of Hoodwinked. I movie a love. So rent it, buy it, give it a watch and have fun with it. Just pick it up while you are out perusing Transformers II, Blood: The Last Vampire, Faulty Towers remastered, The Gary Shandling show collection, Peanuts 1970 V1 and Vegas season 1. That’s right Vegas season 1. I said it.    

Punk go leepy now…

Nothing says October or Roctober like:

HIDEOUS

That’s right, deformed, devious & depraved!

1997, 82 minutes rated R (Violence, Gore, Language, & Nudity ) by Red Planet & Full Moon Features - Directed by Charles Band (Puppet Master, Ginger Dead Man, Evil Bong) IMDB and written by Benjamin Carr (KRAA! The Sea Monster, The Creeps) IMDB

STARRING:

Michael Citrinti as Napoleon Lazar the eccentric collector of biological oddities (Galactic Gigolo, Goodfellas, Cemetery High) IMDB

Rhonda Griffin as Elvina the ditsy secretary (The Creeps, Naked Fear) IMDB

Mel Johnson Jr. as Doctor Loren the other collector of biological oddities (Total Recall, DS9, Sheena, My Two Dads) IMDB

Jacqueline Lovell as Shelia the henchwoman hottie (The Killer Eye, Femalien, Red Shoe Diaries) IMDB

Tracie May as Belinda Yost the money grubbing dealer of biological oddities (Sliders, The Cosby Mysterious) IMDB

Jerry O’Donnell as the level headed private detective (SG1, B5, Babe Ruth, V.I.P.) IMDB

Andrew Johnston as Martin the sewer plant foreman (Agent Cody Banks, SG1, Su2) IMDB

Mircea Constantinescu as Alf the new sewer pool cleaner (Aliens In The Wild Wild West) IMDB

Alexandru Agarici as Dougie the other new sewer pool cleaner (Matraguna) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When some sewer workers find a biological oddity while cleaning the pools at the Pony Valley sewage treatment plant, it sparks a war between two rival avid collectors with one paying for the entity and the other then stealing in from him forcing the victim to hire a private detective to figure out what happened only to wind up at the robbers wacky castle where he and the detective get locked in with everyone else involved in the whole crazy affair just in time to find out that the newest acquisition has brought all of the other biological oddities to life and well, they are more than just a bit unhappy about having been on display.

Snipit:

Martin to Alf and Dougie – (Martin)”We’ve gotten stuff we don’t know what the hell it is. I reckon I’ve seen just about everything that could come out of a sewer pipe.”

Dr. Loren to Shelia – (Dr. Loren)”You slut! You cheap slut!” (Shelia)”Hey! Slut I don’t mind but, I’m a costly slut! Deal with it!”

Rating:

(3) Prozac’s and some Prisitq for: a twisty straw, a cat fight, a rabid ear biting attack, a camping cooler of oddities, bad guy organ music, making out with a specimen jar, a hideous freak attack, the office trap door acid bath of death, topless hottie in hot pants and a gorilla mask with a gun, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS the worst sword fight ever!

Food:

A box of egos with a side of sausage, some blueberry muffin tops, a few bogymen lollipops, some candy corn taffy, and a pitcher of scary black cherry Kool-Aid or whatever makes you see biological oddities.

Other Memorable Lines:

Kantor to Belinda – (Kantor)”I should be charging you hazard pay for this psychological trama.”

Kantor to Shelia – (Kantor)”All we need is a guy in a white suit with a butterfly net to make this scene complete.”

Kantor to self – (Kantor)”You work with squirrels and you end up nuts!”

Belinda to Elvina – (Belinda)”Your fired! Your fired from everything! Your Fired from the f’n universe!”

Belinda to Dr. Loren – (Belinda)”This ought to be as hard as force feeding chocolate cake to a fat boy!”

Elvina to everyone – (Elvina)”I don’t want to go to jail. There are lesbians there!”

Kantor to everyone – (Kantor)”I think all of you inclusive, are off to see the wizard. First of all there is no way any of us could have pinched your little goobers. Second of all, if we did, who cares! Third, the whole freak thing, the buying and selling, the trade, is wrong! Why don’t we just go home and you two, you guys can get a life. Collect stamps. Join the Y, go into local politics, or go on a date or something!”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Hey, it’s a Charles Band movie. You know, Full Moon? You gotta see it!. The creatures, the toys, the figures and/or the dolls are always good for a laugh as is the dialogue. Start your Full Moon Collection today. I did. And, while your out picking up this gem grab the Cinderella blueray/dvd, Year One, and Anvil (The story of Anvil) cause you gotta see them at least once. And, Disney, well it’s just Disney and always worth having.

Punk go leepy now…

Nothing says nap time like:

GINGERDEAD MAN 2 – THE PASSION OF THE CRUST

That’s right, it’s freshly baked terror!    

2008, 80 minutes rated R (Violence, Gore, Language, & Sexual Content ) by Wizard Entertainment & Full Moon Features - Directed by Silvia St. Croix (Nothing anyone else knows of or currently cares about) IMDB and written by Muffy Bolding (Demonic Toys Personal Demons) IMDB and also written by William Butler (Gingerdead Man, Return of the Living Dead Rave From the Grave) IMDB

STARRING:

K-Von Mozelli as Kelvin the rich entrepreneur (Nothing anyone else knows of or currently cares about) IMDB

Kelsey Sanders as Heather Cracker the Make-A-Wish volunteer(Wizards of Waverly Place) IMDB

Joseph Porter as Tommy the raving psychotic film critic (Ugly Betty, Naked Sushi) IMDB

Frank Nicotero as Marty Dradel the uptight accountant (Street Smarts, Wishmaster) IMDB

John Vulich as the Gingerdead Man (Day of the Dead) IMDB

Michelle Bauer as Polly Bunderhoof the under sexed ex starlet (Lust for Frankenstein, The Erotic Misadventures of the Invisible Man) IMDB

Ricardo Gil as the angry elf (Epic Movie, Cougar Hunting) IMDB

Greg Nicotero as himself the make-up guy(Inglorious Basterds) IMDB

John Southwell as Jake the stuntman & bodyguard(What Would Jesus DO) IMDB

Jacob Witkin as Sir Ian Cavanaugh the washed up drunken actor (Evil Bong, Star Wars Video Games (Morgan Katran) IMDB

Bruce Dent as Ricki Johnson the set decorator (Stacked, S.W.A.T.) IMDB

Emily Button as Wendy Heinz the producer (Next To Nothing) IMDB

Bryce Wagoner as assistant director (Shadowman) IMDB

Adam Green as Toothless McHomeless (Coffee & Donuts, Hatchets) IMDB

Stephanie Denton because she owes the director twenty bucks

SYNOPSIS:

Well, somehow the Gingerdead Man ends up in a craft services bakery goods box at the studios of a floundering low budget horror movie studio where he escapes from the box bent on gathering five bodies to place into a pentagram so that he can regain his human form. So, he sets about gathering weapons expecting a good fight only to find easy pickin’s with the studios in chaos and spiraling down the drain with all out set brawls, un paid workers, on the edge actors, sleazy director and under sexed staff allowing him to kill at will until the alarm is raised and people start fleeing in panic leaving the homicidal cookie trapped on a set with two possible victims to finalize his plan, only to be beset by a raving make-a-wish lunatic with a vendetta and a bunch of evil props he accidentally brought to life that don’t seem to like him culminating in him be crucified, burned at the stake and thrown out with the trash.               

Snipit:

Tommy to Kelvin & Heather – (Tommy)”Do you have any idea how hard it is to fake a terminal illness in the name of vengeance?!”

Rating:

(2-1/2) Prozac’s and some orthopedic shoe and insoles for: Cheatum Studios, bomb in a backpack, a movie set brawl, space bakers, puppet sex, Ida Puldithardur being in the credits, getting a hot curly iron up the wazoo, squeezing the water balloon heart, Attack of the mink Monsters, an evil fortune telling pirate gypsy, a killer coffee pot, the maniacal lawn gnome, crap for brains the exploding doll, the haunted dildo, a killer hemorrhoid, a cookie driving an intergalactic death robot, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS a screaming elf fit nth!  

Food:

A Tontino’s pizza with cottage cheese, a few butter cream frosting cupcakes, a couple of Wazoo’s, a bag of Nibs, a tube of cookie dough, some ginger snaps with cake decorations and a few bottles of Stewarts crème ale or whatever makes you sleepy.

Other Memorable Lines:

Kelvin to Heather – (Kelvin)”I didn’t know you could do that to a cookie!”

Kelvin to Wendy – (Kelvin)”Everything is going to be alright. Just try not to bleed to much.”

Kelvin to Police – (Kelvin)”Help! We are being attacked by an evil cookie monster!”

Tommy to Kelvin – (Tommy)”An AK-47 are you kidding me!  Everyone knows you need an exorcist for anything as powerful as a possessed dildo!”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, this film didn’t go anywhere. A lot of cool ideas and odd directions that were just all jumbled up. And, the burning of the cooking on a cross with a crown of thorns! That was not only not funny and done for no real reason other than tying in the subtitle name, it was just wrong. Well, okay mostly wrong the other toys with hammers and nails was kinda funny. However, the cumulative screen time of about 20 minutes that the Gingerdead Man has is classic as are the new Full Moon figures that come to life in addition to the elf throwing a temper tantrum. But, other than that, this movie didn’t explain much of anything nor go in any coherent direction for very long before it jumped the tracks again. So, check it out just so you can say you have seen it before Gingerdead Man 3, Saturday Night Cleaver comes out. Otherwise go out and grab Star Trek TOS S2, Terminator S2, and the Haunted World of El Superbeasto out of DVD today.

Punk go leepy now…

Nothing says Labor Day like:

BAJA BEACH BUMS

That’s right, a bus, a burro, a beer & well, you get the idea!    

2009, 88 minutes rated R (Language, sexual content some drug use) by Maverick Entertainment - Directed and written by Patrick Healy (Other than being a bit actor, nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

STARRING:

Tom Carver as Brandt the down and out stock broker (Beerfest, Orgazmo, Dark Angel) IMDB

Kenny Morrison as TK the easy going buddy (The Quick & The Dead, ST Voyager) IMDB

Hugh Peddy as Tom the surfer in search of bragging rights (Fight Club) IMDB

Sally Taylor as Smiley the hippie with a guitar (Nothing anyone else knows of or currently cares about) IMDB

Kansas Carradine as MacKenzie the hippie in search of a husband (The Stoned Age) IMDB

Rini Bell as the surfer with cancer (Gillmore Girls, Road Trip, The Terminal) IMDB

Bruno Gioiello as Carson the dubious good guy (28 Days, Drone) IMDB

Sam Saldivar as the voice of Pepe the burro (The Gifted) IMDB

Pepe the Burro as himself (Nothing else yet!)

Damian Delgado as Raul the Mixtec rancher (Alien 51) IMDB

Carlos Cervantes as Gustav the kindly sheriff (Traffic, Strip Mall, Chicago Hope) IMDB

Danny Del Toro as Pepe the evil policeman (Fugly) IMDB

Pablo Espinosa as the head Fedeale (Chuck, Sons of Anarchy, The Bold & The Beautiful) IMDB

Bernie Martinez as federale #2 (GB 2525) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When a drunken down and out stock broker who just lost his job, his money and his girlfriend awakens on an old school bus with surfers and hippies headed for a secluded beach in the middle of nowhere Baja Mexico, he’s not sure this is where he wants to be especially when drug lords start pushing around the locals, the farmer who’s beach they are staying at is blown up and a donkey eats the buses’ distributor cap but when a surfer with cancer gets him to clam down, relax and start enjoying himself, the world seems to be turning around for him until El Neno moves in and cops in cahoots with the drug lords surround them leaving them all hold up in the bus unless someone or a perhaps even a donkey can save the day.           

Snipit:

Brandt to Carson – (Brandt)”I don’t need to be cheered up by some ex patriot bum. Why don’t you get off your ass and do something productive!” (Crason)”Good Idea. I think I’ll go teach that outhouse a lesson!”

Rating:

(2) Prozac’s (barely) and some Voltaren gel for: leaving you oven in the front yard, sleeping under the bus, a fireworks fight, eating shrooms with the donkey, a speed buggy, a beach pig, a Mexican MacGuyver, claiming to be Mormans to stay out of trouble, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Pepe the part time narrator and full time attack donkey nth!  

Food:

A few Hillshire farms sausage, egg and cheese burritos (Ya Go Meat!), a bag of Motitas banana gum, a fist full of chick-o-stix, a bag of Pecan sandies, some laffy taffy (because you’ll need it), and a pitcher of grape Kool-Aide or whatever makes your vision slightly fuzzy.

Other Memorable Lines:

Unis to TK – (Unis)”What’s the Hasselhoff?”

Brandt to TK – (Brandt)”Were in Baja?” (TK)”Yes, it’s vacation time.” (Brandt)”What! In the middle of no where with no waiters bringing me drinks as I get laid by the pool, it’s no vacation!”

MacKenzie to TK – (MacKenzie)”A Peso for your thoughts?”

Brandt to TK – (Brandt)”Where am I?” (TK)”You are right here.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, this movie blows. The donkey could have been classic but just didn’t get used enough. It does pick up a tiny bit at the end and that with the donkey pushed it up to the two prozacs. Just barely. So, check it out or don’t. The donkey may be worth the evening depending on how your evenings stack up. Otherwise, let’s put it this way. The people I was watching it with fell asleep. However, there is merit in that. Cheap sleeping medication alternative and/or a study material on how to not make a movie with components that do have classic possibilities. My average advice, just go out and get Crank II, The special editions of Mad Monster Party & Bedknobs and Broomsticks or, Fring S1, Parks and Recreation S1, and The Office S5. 

Punk go leepy now…

Because nothing says back to school like:

THE DEVIL’S TOMB

That’s right, some things are better of left dead and buried!    

2008, 90 minutes rated R (Language, violence, gore and brief nudity) by Sony Home Pictures and Ice Cold Productions - Directed by Jason Connery (Pandemic) IMDB and written by Keith Kjornes (Repligator, My Big Phat Hip Hop Family) IMDB

STARRING:

Cuba Gooding Jr. as Mack the military leader with issues (Rat Race, Jerry Maguire, MacGyver, Radio, American Gangster) IMDB

Ray Winstone as Blakely the dead man (King Arthur, Narnia, Beowolf) IMDB

Ron Perlman as Wesley the archeologist with a secret (Hellboy, Blade II, Sons of Anarchy, Star Trek Nemesis) IMDB

Taryn Manning as Doc the religious solider (Sons of Anarchy, Cold Mountain, Drive) IMDB

Henry Rollins as Fulton the twitchy priest (Sons of Anarchy, Bad Boys II, The New Guy) IMDB

Valerie Cruz as the mysterious government liaison (True Blood, Dexter, Dresden Files) IMDB

Zack Ward as Nichols the wise cracking communications expert (A Christmas Story, Titus, Resident Evil Apocalypse) IMDB

Franky G as Hammer the rough-n-tuff military guy (The Italian Job, Saw II & III) IMDB

Jason London as Hicks some military dude (Dazed and Confused, Dracula I, II, III) IMDB

Brandon Fobbs as Click the expert computer hacker (The Wire) IMDB

Stephanie Jacobson as Yoshi the tough military chick (Terminator the Sarah Conner Chronicles, Battlestar Galactica Razor) IMDB

Bill Moseley as Professor Duncan (Grindhouse, Evil Bong, Carrnivale, Halloween 07) IMDB

Sarah Ann Morris as Sharon some chick in the movie (Las Vegas, Married With Children) IMDB

Mia Miller as the unborn kid (Samurai Avenger) IMDB

Weston Blakesley as Father Jacoby (Pleasantville, Married With Children) IMDB

Holly Weber as the dream girl (Valley Peaks, Frost Nixon, The Man) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

While searching for weapons of mass destruction in the desert of Iraq, the U.S. government finds something much worse in a temple some 600 feet below the desert’s surface. But, when all contact with the sop secret facility is lost and their last communication indicated that all hell is breaking loose, the government decides to send an elite military team telling them it’s a rescue mission at a secret compound compromised by the enemy. So, when the team breaks in and finds out that the facility was probably locked from the inside for a good reason with the place filled with flesh eating zombies, demonic personages and some sort of ancient evil that may not be of this world, they start getting taken out one by one as the team tries to find it’s way back out and destroy the facility before the evil can escape. That is of course assuming they figure out that they were tricked by the government into setting the facility’s self destruct when they hacked into the facility before it’s too late.           

Snipit:

Mac to Nichols – (Mack)”How’s the priest doing?’ (Nichols)”The priest, ugh, the priest, there is no change. He’s still passed out and creepy.” (Mack)“Watch out for him.” (Nichols)”Naw, he’s not supposed to get tranqued for another 15 minutes.”       

Rating:

(3-1/2) Prozac’s and some endocet for: giggling ghosts, a six hour tour, irradiated priest, beany babies, completing the circuit, duct taping the priests mouth shut, speaking in tongues, having everyone dying and exploding on the rookie, spitting evil acid slime, getting nothing from mommy but a place in hell, walking demonically possessed dead, desert ice man, name dropping, zombie knife fight and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS an old priest and a young priest nth!  

Food:

A nice medium well ribeye with cheese bread, bacon and green onions, a bag of Sun Chips (The French Onion ones rule!), gummy googly eyeballs, nose slime candy, a few toast bandages (cause they make all of the pain go away) a bag of pixie stix, a few otter pops and any icy Dr. Pepper or whatever leaves you with one foot in the grave.

Other Memorable Lines:

Elisa to Mack – (Elissa)”You have all you need to do your job.” (Mack)”Hey lady! When I shoot someone and they don’t die, it makes it kind of hard for me to do my f@*!’n job!”

Click to group – (Click)”Ever stop to think that maybe the door is locked for a reason?”

Nichols to group – (Nichols)”If this is a top secret base what is a priest doing here?”

Doc to group – (Doc)” priest looks irradiated but, I have never seen anything like it before.”  (Nichols)”Maybe he’s got allergies or bad acne or something.”

Hicks to group – (Hicks)”The transformer is fried. Some moron grabbed it with both hands!” (Elisa)”Was it Wesley?” (Hicks)”Have you ever seen what 200,000 volts does to ones complexion?”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, this bad boy was a bit creepy in spots and had a lot of potential. Maybe it was the editing, maybe it was the writing, maybe it was the directing or maybe it was just a bunch of Catholicism that I didn’t understand, but it seemed to not really go anywhere and/or explain much of anything. However, it was still decent enough to capture my attention without knowing I had lost 90 minutes. So, since there isn’t really anything worthwhile coming out on dvd to won this week, you can save your money for a better release week and rent this baby to get you buy until then.         

Punk go leepy now…

Because nothing says summertime like freezer burn:

FREEZER BURN – THE INVASION OF LAXDALE

That’s right, there ain’t nothing like a crop circle experience    

2008, 90 minutes rated R (Language and brief nudity) by Monarch Video and Film Bridge Entertainment - Directed by Grant Harvey (Wild Roses, Ginger Snaps Back) IMDB and written by Blaine Hart (Just an actor who has written nothing else) IMDB and also written by Barry Kloeble (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

STARRING:

Tom Green as Bill Swanson the washed up hockey player with a head injury (Road Trip, Shred, Stealing Harvard) IMDB

Crispin Glover as Viergacht or Verclempt or something as the evil Thotesque alien CEO (Back to the Future, Charlie’s Angels, Beowulf, Hot Tub Time Machine ) IMDB

Sarain Boylan as Gina the angry alien abductee (Saw IV, Due South, Posers) IMDB

Scott Hylands as Arnie the wise old hockey coach (Bit Actor in tons of stuff, Ba’al the Strom God, Night Heat) IMDB

David Brown as Al the Man Lapinsky the brown nosing mayor (Death to Smoochy, Downloading Nancy) IMDB

Adrien Dorval as Kirby the crop circle entrepreneur (Sanctuary, Stargate SG-1, BSG II, The Chronicles of Riddick) IMDB

David Lawrence as Randy the burnt hooligan rocker (Fubar)

Paul Spence as Dwayne the burnt hooligan rocker wingman (Star Wars EPIII, Fubar) IMDB

Peter Kent as the creepy chauffer (Stargate SG-1, Space Above & Beyond) IMDB

Mark Jenkins as Constable Warner the wacky police chief (Nothing anyone else knows of or currently cares about at this time) IMDB

Donovan Workun as the town lackey (Santa’s Slay, Ray Bradbury Theater) IMDB

Leona Brausen as Darlene the bar keep (Angel Square) IMDB

Len Crowther as farmer Fred (Santa’s Slay, Blood Clan) IMDB

Brendan Meyer as the little brat (Dinosapian, Tooth Fairy) IMDB

Jameson Trenholm as the hippie guy (High Society, Super Hero Wannabe) IMDB

Marie Zydek as the hippie chick (Gingersnaps, Nosepicker’s anonymous) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Waking up in his own vomit as his trailer home is being towed away, down and out ex-hockey player Bill Swanson begins to suspect something is wrong as he awakes to find that the city has condemned his property to make for some sort of new chemical plant, all of the citizens are running around in fire suits, the area is full of crop circles, convoys of space age Winnebago’s, start rolling in all over town (I was having Ark II flashbacks), his old hockey coach has bought up all of the air conditioners in town and boarded himself up in his home with shot guns and a dead body that is not quite human shows up at the hockey rink, forcing him to join forces with an irate alien abductee bent on revenge to uncover that global warming is being caused by aliens bent on turning Earth into intergalactic time shares with human servants unless they can gear up for a cold war and run the aliens out of town.      

Snipit:

Bill to Gina – (Bill)”Their real estate developers.” (Gina)”What are you talking about?” (Bill)”These crop circles, there like range top burners. They are using them to heat up the planet. They are turning this place into some kind of tourist trap for aliens!” (Gina)”Well, why wouldn’t they go to Venus or Mercury or some planet hotter than Earth?” (Bill)”No staff.” (Gina)” But, why of all places (Laxville) come here?” (Bill)”They need a place full of polite people that are easily controlled and don’t question authority.” (Gina)”Canda.”  

Rating:

(3) Prozac’s and prednisone for: perverted aliens, a soup sandwich, looking like a bag of smashed a-holes, paying for the crop circle experience, Cecil’s human society and taxidermy, global warming ruining the hockey season, the lean forward discount, nose beak sex, being seduced with a bag of cheese doodles, Fire Marshal Bill in a locker, slurpee super soakers, a nose urinal, nutty buddy darts, frozen ninja pizza stars, Triffid talk, the igloo pie hockey puck of death, puttin’ on the foil and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS mind control Bubblicious nth!  

Food:

A couple of Cornish game hens with a Brewvies boat o’ corn dogs, a bag of Cheez Doodles, a box of slow melt super hero fire cracker popsicles, a couple of nutty buddies, a fist full of trail’s best ham and cheese meat stix and a liquid artillery slurpee or whatever gives you a good kick to the stomach.

Other Memorable Lines:

Kirby to hippie – (Kirby)”Get out of my crop circle you freak!”

Bill to Leon – (Bill)”Where are you taking my trailer?” (Leon)” To the old quarry.” (Bill)”You mean the dump?” (Leon)”Yup.” (Bill)”Well, put me near the large appliance section.”

Constable to Bill – (Constable)”Any Food allergies we should be aware of?”

Hippie Chick – (Hippie)”I am naked in my clothes!”

Bill to Gina during battle – (Bill)”Wow I just won a jet ski!” (on his slurpee)

Gina to Bill – (Gina)”When I told my boyfriend back home what happened (I had been abducted) to me, he bailed.”  (Bill)”What did your boyfriend do?” (Gina)”He played hockey. All of my boyfriends played hockey. Phil Espazeeto, half of the Olympic team, the Saskatchewan back field, that wore me out, the one mascot that wouldn’t take his costume off, I liked that and Wayne Gretzky’s twin brother.” (Bill)”I didn’t know Wayne Gretzky had a twin brother.” (Gina)”Me either but, they looked exactly alike.” 

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, this kinda left me looking for one. A final stupor of thought that is. Some pretty laughable ideas executed, directed and/or cut poorly. But, the final battle made it worth struggling through the other tired Canadian jokes and consecutive lame bits. But, hey not much coming out on DVD today so go out and give it a watch while your out getting I Love You Man, The Superfriends - The Lost Episodes, and Are you Being Served the complete series. Besides, chances are if you are reading this that you have has much alone time on your hands as I do so you’ll need something to keep from staring into the abyss so give it a rent. I did and it’s not a complete yawner. It’s not even in my top 10 worst movies ever.       

Punk go leepy now…

Because nothing says Comic-Con like:

DR. STRANGE

That’s right, in every age & time one of us is called to join the battle!   

September 6^th 1978 94 minutes not rated TV movie (Intense Scenes, Violence) by MCA & Universal Studios - Directed and written by Phillip DeGuere (Twilight, Zone, JAG, Simon & Simon, Baretta, NCIS) IMDB

STARRING:

Peter Hooten as enigmatic doctor of psychiatry and do gooder (Orca, Student Body, Double Jeopardy, and a bunch of Italian movies) IMDB

Jessica Walter as the evil hottie Morgan LeFay (Arrested Development, The Love Boat, 90210 II, Babylon 5, Dinosaurs, Pirates of Darkwater, 3’s a Crowd) IMDB

John Mills as Thomas Lindmer the keeper of secrets (Who’s That Girl, Zulu Dawn, Dundee & Culhane) IMDB

Clyde Kusatsu as Wong the man servant (Magnum P.I., Samurai Jack, Johnny Quest, Babylon 5, STNG, Harold & Kumar Guantanamo Bay, The Young & The Restless) IMDB

Michael Ansarh as the ancient one (Babylon 5, Star Trek, STDS9, Buck Rogers) IMDB

Ted Cassidy as the Demon Balzarath (The Adams Family, Going Coconuts, Godzilla Cartoon, The Super Friends, Fantastic Four Cartoon, Six Million Dollar Man, Bionic Woman, Star Trek, Space Ghost) IMDB

David Hooks as the nameless one (Little House on the Prairie, V, Masada) IMDB

Ann Marie Martin as Clea the innocent love interest (The Young Ones, Sledge Hammer) IMDB

Phillip Sterling as the uptight chief of psychiatry (Sisters, St Elsewhere, Barney Miller) IMDB

Diana Webster as the ornery old head nurse (Days of Our Lives, Ice Pirates, Masada) IMDB

Frank Catalano as the Orderly (Robotech) IMDB

Bob Delegall as the Intern (Tv Cop or Doctor 70’s, 80’s & 90’s) IMDB

Larry Anderson as the magician (Life With Lucy, Brothers & Sisters) IMDB

Sarah Rush as nurse Sarah (Catch Me If you Can, Max Keeble’s Big Move, BSG OG) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Aware that the Earth’s mystical protector is coming to the end of his days, the forces of evil conspire to do away with him in his weakened state before he can find a successor by sending their best sorceress Morgan LeFay from the planes beyond to take him out. But, when she posses an innocent young woman she unwittingly sets in motion a chain of events that not only leads all parties to Earth’s destined successor of the mystical arts but also leaves her banished to this plane to do battle with him every week since her desire for him to love her wouldn’t allow her to kill him when she had the chance.      

Snipit:

Wong to Lindmer – (Wong)”Are you alright master?” (Lindmer)”I am several hundred years too old to be alright.”

Strange to Wong – (Strange)”Have I become the sorcerer?” (Wong)”No, your like a child with a loaded gun.”

Rating:

(3-1/2) Prozac’s and some relafan for:  a game of where is the wondering crazy lady now in the hall of the psych ward, the owl from Clash of the Titans, glow hands (much better than jazz hand), evil trees, gleaming the cube, astral planeing, loosing your objectivity, Lords of Light!, Kato the 4^th level sorcerer, a New York Sleastack cave, the Sid and Marty Kroft stargate, a psychiatric pool table, a Jewfro, a pill line, tucking in the drunks, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS a giant steaming talking turd of a demonic sock puppet nth!  

Food:

A plate of mashed potatoes and lunchables pizza’s with a side of bacon (because everything is better with a side of bacon – yay go MEAT!), a box beanboozeled jelly beans (is it banana or pencil shavings, is it blueberry or toothpaste, is it skunk spray or licorice), a couple of sweet shot candy syringes, a sour candy urine sample, and a bottle of Mountain blue game fuel cause the orange sucks (blue is my favorite food group) or whatever puts your game face on.

Other Memorable Lines:

Sarah to Strange - (Sarah)”Falling in love was never the problem. Making love was.”

Lindmer to Strange – (Lindmer)”You’re a good man. Your clear mind and love for humanity. That’s why you became a doctor.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Oh ya, a 70’s classic in classic 70’s style with popping in and out magic and dubbed in glowing special effects. You gotta see this drunk or otherwise. I can make for a nice evening of hilarity if you let it. A cancelled TV series pilot, disco effects, an indescribable sound track and some caffeine mixed with sugar or otherwise with a few friends and you’ve got an evening right there. So, go out and pick it while at the vid store or most likely on line when you are out spending that hard earned babysitting and lawn mowing money on all of the great DVD releases this week which include but are not limited to, Battlestar Galactica II season 4.5 or the complete series, The Middleman the complete series, Torchwood season 3, Dollhouse season one, Green Lantern First flight (with an action figure at Best Buy), Dr. Who Planer of the Dead, The Spectacular Spiderman season one, and the original Green Hornet movies.

Punk go leepy now…

Well, because it’s officially summer and nothing says campy like:

GENERATION X THE MOVIE

That’s right, Heroes are no longer born they are created!   

Feb 20^th 1996 84 minutes rated PG-13 (Language, Intense Scenes, Violence) by Fox and New World Entertainment – Directed by Jack Sholder (Nightmare on Elm Street II, Temors T.V.) IMDB & written by Eric Blakeney (VR5, Booker) IMDB

STARRING:

Matt Frewer as Russel Tresh the slightly unbalanced maniacal physicist (STNG, Max Headroom, The Watchmen, Eureka, Lawnmower Man, Doctor Doctor) IMDB

Finola Hughes as Emma Frost the hottie psychic (Blossom, General Hospital, Charmed) IMDB

Jeremy Ratchford as Sean Cassidy aka Banshee as teacher of the gifted (Cold Case, Tek War, The Stupids) IMDB

Heather McComb as Jubilation Lee aka Jubilee the tough video game ace (Profiler) IMDB

Agustin Rodriguez as Angelo aka skin the tough Latino (Moon Over Miami) IMDB

Randall Slavin as Kurt aka Refrax the Cyclops knockoff (Monster High) IMDB

Bumper Robinson as Mondo the material absorbing guy (STDS9, Night Court, A Different World, Transformers Animated, Batman the Brave and the Bold) IMDB

Suzanne Davis as Arelee aka Buff the super strong woman (Undressed) IMDB

Amarilia as Monet St. Croix aka M the prefect mutant (Sweet Valley High) IMDB

Tyler Labine as the mall rat (Reaper) IMDB

Kevin McNulty as Ralston some guy in the movie (Stargate SG1, BSG II, Watchmen) IMDB

Gary Chalk as Detective Gains (Stargate SG-1) IMDB

Lalainia Lindbjerg as Kayla the love interest (Dragon Ball Z) IMDB

Kavan Smith as the main RAH jock (Stargate SGA) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

With mutant hysteria sweeping the world a new school for young mutants is formed to help them control their powers and provide an alternative to incarceration in government camps. But, the gifted kids don’t play well together until one of them is abducted by an evil scientist bent on drilling into mutant’s heads to steal their powers and then take over people’s dreams. This forces the remaining kids and their teachers to come together as team and enter the 5^th dimension, the dream dimension, and do battle with the evil doctor to save their classmate and the world.      

Snipit:

Evil Dr to Boss – (Dr.)”Hey, I am a classic. Low self esteem, Dysfunctional. Over compensating with grandiose delusions. In other words, I won’t be happy until the psycho slut who humiliated me gravels at my feet and anoints me as her god. That makes sense doesn’t it?” (Boss)”A woman Russel?” (Dr)”Isn’t it always!”

Rating:

(2-1/2) Prozac’s and some lortab for:  Teenage harpies, muscle dude in a bra, a pie hole stuffing contest, the 90210 security code, clowns and animal balloons, the real dream machine, a rah rah letterman jacket, neon lipstick, a brain saw, mad computer skills, breaking into a mental instruction, the psychiatric lunch, feeling like a total bitch, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS the hot salsa neon dance dream date sequence complete with parrots! All it was missing was some tiki room music.  

Food:

A few fast franks, with a plate of crispy Ore Idea home fries, some twix, a box of milk duds, a bag of razzels, and a jar of tang energy drink or whatever wakes you up in the morning.

Other Memorable Lines:

Jublie to mom – (Jublie)”What kind of freak am I mom?”

Frost to Cops – (Frost)”Officers Hootie and Blowfish from mutant affairs here to pick up the mutants.”

Dr. to boss – (Dr.)”I can’t help being creative anymore than you can help being a greedy capitalist.”

Kurt to Frost (Kurt)”Excuse me Misses Frost, how are we supposed to relax and concentrate at the same time?” (Frost)”Make believe you are playing with yourself Kurt.”

Sean to Jubliee – (Sean)”Don’t worry darling, the place has been updated since Frankenstein lived here.”

Frost to Jubliee – (Frost)”At the mutant academy you will be required to follow a course of traiing suited to your mutant abilities and general interests.” (Jubliee)”I am interested in body piercing.” (Sean)”Well, your priorities are shifting darling. We’re training you to be a superhero.” (Jubliee)”Will I have to wear one of those goofy superhero costumes?” (Sean)”When you’ve graduated and are able to fight crime, you will be given a uniform. The uniforms are quite tasteful and as you can see we prefer to keep a low profile.”

Sean to mother – (Sean)” We would like to help your daughter and offer an alternative to mutant camp.” (Mother)”In what a stripper club?”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Oh baby, this gem is usually on the lists of the worst comic book movies of all time. But, Frewer’s part makes this movie watchable and entertaining when you are hyped up on pixie stixs, razzels and mountain dew. Give it a watch so that you can say with pride, “Ya I’ve seen that.” And, who knows you may just find yourself giggling out loud at Frewer’s wackiness. Did I mention that I love Max Headroom?  Otherwise run out a grab the Peanuts 1960’s redux box set and the complete Those Who Hunt Elves or maybe Push because everything else out on DVD today pales in comparison to Generation X the movie!                               

Punk go leepy now…

Well, because nothing says summer like some good death in:

THE DEATH OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK

That’s right, he’s frightening, savage & uncontrollable!   

Feb 18^th 1990 94 minutes rated PG (Intense Scenes, Violence) by Anchorbay Entertainment & Twentieth Century Fox– Directed by Bill Bixby (Blossom, Sledge Hammer) IMDB & written by Gerald DiPego (The Forgotten, Sharkey’s Machine) IMDB

STARRING:

Bill Bixby as Dr. David Banner our troubled wanderer (True Confessions, Hulk TV, Ironsides, Blossom) IMDB

Lou Ferrigno as the green meanie (Hulk, Frank McKlusky CI, Conan TV, Black Scorpion) IMDB

Phillip Sterling as Dr. Pratt the bumbling scientist (Saint Elsewhere, Barney Miller, The Paperchase) IMDB

Elizabeth Gracen as Yasmine our lovely terrorist (Highlander, Miss America 1982) IMDB

Barbara Tarbuck as Amy Pratt the inquisitive wife (General Hospital, Donnie Darko) IMDB

Andreas Katsulas as Kasha the crime syndicate boss (Babylon 5, STNG, STE, Executive Decision) IMDB

Anna Katarina as Belle the wicked sister (Star Trek 09) IMDB

Chilton Crane as Beth the security guard hottie (4400, Highlander) IMDB

John Novak as Zed the mafia enforcer (Stargate SG1, Booker, Wishmaster movies) IMDB

Carla Ferrigno as the kindly bank teller (Nothing Else but herself) IMDB

Duncan Fraser as the head security guard (Highlander, Octopus 2, Hope Island, Mother Trucker) IMDB

Garwin Sanford as FBI agent Shoup (Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis, Highlander, The Odyssey) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When the wandering Dr. Banner hears about a fellow colleague making great strides in human healing with nuclear science, he gets a job at the high security government facility where the research is taking place as a lowly handicapped janitor in order to see what his colleague is up to, only to be impressed with the work prompting him to break in at night and help guide the research only to get caught. But, when his colleague offers to help heal Banner if Banner will agree to let him see and study the Hulk all seems well until terrorists break in during the experiments, stealing the data, putting Dr. Pratt into a comma, and freeing the Hulk only to trap the Hulk on an escaping plane which explodes during the getaway.    

Snipit:

Street Thug to Banner – (Thug)”Could you spare some change?” (Banner)”No, I Can’t.” (Thug)”Why not?” (Banner)”Because you look like you could get a job.”

Banner to Yasmine – (Yasmine)” Go! Get away. Who are you? Who do you work for?” (Banner)”I work for myself. I am a doctor. I will bill you later. The bullet went through but, I need to get this stitched up.” [Ya, because nuclear science doctors are also medical doctors.]

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and some soma for:  the coming and going Russian accent, running away from the limo in your jacked up 4x4, terrorists in bowties and berets, skate punks, Hulk running the circular stairs, a chloroform mask, reverse hypnosis, a caring montage, a tranq knife, a fleet of terrorist 4X4’s, joker face thug, Superman II bad guy outfits, sparkler on a parachute flare, scolding the coma victim, That’s not my “A”!, the high tech self pain giver, the Justice League science computer, fluorescent hopscotch science chalk, Bill Bixby singing during the end credits, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS the what if I get angry while were having sex moment nth!  

Food:

A plate of frozen Tony Roma’s ribs (cook if ya like), with Dr Pepper barbeque sauce and a few baked potatoes, some carrot cake (hold the carrots), a few Hulk puddings (that’s Oreo mint pudding for those that don’t know), a few Nestle Crunches, a box of Hulk cereal (that’s right, it’s con pops with marshmallows), and a few dozen bottles of retro sugarcane Mountain Dew with a few bottles of candy Hulk Serum or whatever makes you level out and feel good.

Other Memorable Lines:

Teller to Banner – (Banner)“I save my money.” (Teller)”What about going out?” (Banner) I like movies.” (Teller)”Ah, yes movies and popcorn the American Dream.”

Jasmine to Security Guard – (Yasmine)”What goes on up that at that facility?” (Guard)”I don’t know. A Bunch of egg heads doing stuff.”

Amy to Banner – (Amy)”This won’t hurt, just a little bit.”

Kasha to Yasmine – (Kasha)”Zed, he’s an artist. He’s picking his instrument. Enjoy.”

Yasmine to Banner – (Yasmine)”Why can’t we just run away?” (Banner)”We can, I have been running away all of my life.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

I keep telling you I love these. Classic, Cheesy, and just plain great fun medicated or unmedicated that once again, make you appreciate what we have now. Besides, there’s nothing else out there worth getting this week when you can get this for like $5 at the ShopKo. I mean, The Code, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Inkheart, Pink Panther 2, or Tom & Jerry the Chuck Jones collection? Well maybe the Chuck Jones collection, but come on! It’s the Hulk and Bixby’s Death!                                

Owe Damn wall. Stupid messed up broken ear drum thingy, Punk go leepy again…

Well, because these old gems are just so much fun to watch it’s:

THE INCREDIBLE HULK RETURNS

That’s right, our superhero is back in a brand new action packed adventure!   

May 22nd 1988 92 minutes rated PG (Intense Scenes, Violence) by New World Television & Anchorbay Entertainment – Directed and written by Nicholas Corea (Hulk TV, Airwolf, Renegade, STDS9, STVYGR) IMDB & also written by Stan Lee (Once again, Come ON! If you really don’t know, just quit reading now. Please!) IMDB

STARRING:

Bill Bixby as Dr. David Banner the troubled wanderer (True Confessions, Hulk TV, Ironsides, Blossom) IMDB

Lou Furrigno as the green meanie (Hulk, Frank McKlusky CI, Conan TV, Black Scorpion) IMDB

Jack Colvin as the nosy reporter Jack McGee (TV Character actor, Six Million Dollar Man, Bionic Woman, A-Team, Quincy, Etc) IMDB

Lee Purcell as Maggie the lovely biogeneticist (Airplane II, Valley Girl, Murder She Wrote, Due South) IMDB

Charles Napier as the head goon (Blues Brothers, Squidbillies, Superman Animated, Simpsons, Rambo II, BJ & The Bear, Austin Powers Movies) IMDB

John Gabriel as Joshua Lambert the rich entrepreneur (Days of Our Lives, Ryan’s Hope, Mary Tyler Moore Show) IMDB

Jay Baker as the scheming Zach Lambert (STDS9, Floors, Doors & Windows host) IMDB

Tim Thomerson as Jack LeBeau the evil mercenary (Crusade, Cherry 2000, Dollman Movies, Trancer Movies, Evil Bong, Xena, Nemesis Movies) IMDB

Eric Allen Kramer as the rampaging Thor (TV Character actor, CSI, Two & A Half Men, My Name is Earl, How I met Your Mother, Etc.) IMDB

Steve Levitt as Donald Blake the nerdy archeologist (The Paper Chase TV, Airplane II) IMDB

Tom Finnegan as the police captain (Newsies, Repo Man, Falcon Crest) IMDB

John Novak as Henchman #2 (Bloodrayne II, The Wishmaster movies) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

It’s been two years since Dr. Banner has had a Hulk fit allowing him to get a job in the big city as a nuclear scientist and even find a girlfriend. Now, on the verge of a scientific breakthrough that could provide the world with a new power source and him with a possible cure for his hulk condition all seems well until an old colleague cursed by Norse magic tracks him down and accidently releases the Thunder god Thor who proceeds to damage his infernal black magic. But, when evil mercenaries kidnap Banner’s girlfriend and try to steal what remains of his invention, Thor just may be able to make amends and help the Hulk save the girl and stop the evil doers before they both have to be on their lonely ways.   

Snipit:

Blake to Banner – (Blake)”He’s not a ghost or a spirit. He’s real! He’s as real as this counter. Only bigger & ready to do whatever I ask as long as it’s legal. Can you image having a power like this but in order to use it, it has to be focused on something like a good cause. This is the 80’s I don’t know what a good cause is anymore!”       

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and some colcichine for: the flashback sequence, the whie chord security ear plug, 80’s elevator music, a high tech CD and CD player, getting I-beamed, Thor in a hoddie, a biker bar, Thor in a towel, arm wrestling, a beer of (Yes one glass versus 10 or 12 pitchers), padded shoulders, a tricorder (which I think was actually a hand held tempest video game), setting the mood before a fight, microwaving electronics, Thor line dancing, a event time clock, a giant Styrofoam Norse hammer, & YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Fat guy Hulk stunt double nth!  

Food:

A thin crust meat lover’s pizza with bread sticks (to bulk up), a box of popumz, a few thingamajigs, a string of green zots, some raspberry pez and a bottle of original green limeade Gatorade or whatever keeps you juiced up. 

Other Memorable Lines:

Banner to Maggie – (Banner)”You smell delicious & you taste good too!”

Thor to Blake – (Thor)’You may not be much of a man but, you have a good brain and a wide heart. You are also a skilled healer. Oh, I like you Blake! But, only when you are asleep.”

Thor to Blake – (Thor)”Go ahead and ask me your questions Blake. Ask me anything.” (Blake)”Can you drive my car?” (Thor)”By Odin’s beard I can try!”

Thor to Blake – (Thor)”Peace of mind is for the dead!”

Thor to Blake – (Thor)”Do you know what it is like to be without flesh? I want food now. I want beer! I want to laugh with a woman and fight with a man!”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Let the hilarity ensue! These movies are great fun and great laughs. They make you appreciate what we have now more. So, run out an start buying up these classic’s for your collection today so that you can gather the crew have a laugh-a-thon and look for all the film mistakes. Otherwise, go see Star Trek again or for the first time if your really out of touch. Then go back home and watch this. You can scare one up at the ShopKo for around $6.00 when your out picking up Fanboys, Seth McFarlane’s Cartoon Cavalcade, Underworld Rise of the Lycans, The Disney Animation Collections 5 & 6 and of course the TOS Star Trek movies on Blueray!                               

Punk go leepy again…

Well, it was Easter and nothing says Easter like:

THE ZOMBIE DIARIES

That’s right, the cover art and disk art have nothing to do with this movie!

2008 81 minutes rated R (Language, Gore, Violence, & Nudity) by Off World & Bleeding Edge Films – Written, directed and produced by Kevin Gates (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB & Michael Bartlet (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

STARRING:

Victoria Nalder as the ace TV news reporter (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Juliet Forester as Sharon the research doctor (Dark Hunter) IMDB

Anna Blades as Vanessa the TV producer (Time Stretched) IMDB

Craig Stovin as Andy the TV crew driver (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Jonathan Ball as Matt the TV camera guy (Alone Together) IMDB

Alison Mollon as Elizabeth some gal in the movie (Nothing anyone else knows of or cars about at this time) IMDB

Kyle Sparks as Greg some guy in the movie (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Jonnie Hurn as John some other guy in the movie (Do Elephants Pray, Sickhouse) IMDB

Sophia Ellis as Anna the girl on the edge (Alien Autopsy) IMDB

James Fisher Geoff the gun toten’ marksman (Hellbride, Hooligans) IMDB

Russell Jones as Goke the dude that’s just a bit twisted (Night Dragon) IMDB

Imogen Church as Sue the loving wife (Heartless) IMDB

Will Tosh as James some other guy in the movie (The Admirer) IMDB

Ralph Mondi as Amine some other dude in the movie (The Fairy Who Stole Eyes) IMDB

Hiram Bleetman as Manny just another dude in the movie (Gnaw) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When a British TV film crew is set out on location in the rural countryside to do a news story, they become survivors of a world wide viral outbreak that is turning people into zombies forcing them to fight for their lives as the struggle to stay alive, obtain supplies and film a documentary about the world ending around them.

Snipit:

Andy to group – (Andy)”This country is in chaos! We are going to stay in these woods. At least until morning!”

Rating:

(1-1/2) Prozac’s and some Prometh (because it did have a new twist on an ending) for: tying a zombie to a perfectly good bed, flu like symptoms, the men in white suits, filming your own death, rubber duckies, and ohhh boy, about an hour and a half of Bam Margera sneaking around to beat up zombies in the dark…

Food:

A few thin sliced pork chops with hashbrowns and ketchup, a bag of swirlmallows, some Wonka Tinglerz, a few bags of edible Easter Grass, some peeps, and sixer of cream soda or whatever keeps you wired.

Other Memorable Lines:

It is hard to believe but unlike some of the worst movies I have ever seen, Gunhead, Outlaw of Gor, The Bobo, Blue Justice, Dr. Otto and the Ridde of the Gloom Beam, this actually had a couple of other chucklers that shook me out of my trance.

Andy to group – (Andy)”Is there anything in here we can pinch?”

Matt to group – (Matt)”Damnit! We need a more gun friendly society like the U.S.”.

Final Stupor of Thought:

This movie pretty much blows. No wonder they needed enticing cover and disk art. DAMN IT sucked in again. But, that’s what makes this fun. You just never know. So, the Spirit is out on DVD this week. Which is just about as good as this movie so you make the call. As for me, I think I would spend my money on Slaughter High and EXO Squad Season 1 out on DVD tomorrow as well.

Punk go leepy now…

Nothing says spring break like:

THE SPECIAL DEAD

That’s right, sometimes heroes ride the short bus!   

2006 83 minutes rated R (Language, Gore, Violence, Sex, Nudity) by Lazy Ghost Entertainment – Directed by Thomas Phillips (Rattle Basket, Earl’s Your Uncle) IMDB & also directed by Sean Simmons (Nothing Anyone Else Knows of or Currently Cares About) IMDB & written by Jared Tweedie (Rattle Basket, Earl’s Your Uncle) IMDB

STARRING:

Jason Brubaker as Mac the really cool camp counselor (Rattle Basket, Earl’s Your Uncle) IMDB

Larrs Jackson as Snuff the old curmudgeon camp owner (Skid Marks, Earl’s Your Uncle) IMDB

Amy Wade as Cassie the hottie camp counselor (Model Ball) IMDB

Gia Natale as the wheelchair bound camper (Rattle Basket, Nuclear) IMDB

Anthony Rutowicz as the knit cap, fanny pack & popsicle stick camper (Rattle Basket) IMDB

Jah Shams as Eriq the boot camp criminal gang banger on the wrong bus (Studio 60) IMDB

Mark Bate as the touretts camper (The Bunk Witch Project, Bad Dog & Superhero) IMDB

Haneka Haynes as Harley the goth counselor (Nothing Anyone Else Currently Knows of Or Cares About) IMDB

Andy Allen as Oswald the camp counselor with the guitar (Hit Me, Earl’s Your Uncle, Singer, Songwriter) IMDB

David Reynolds as the baby huey camper (Firefly, Arrested Development, Pirates!, The Hills Have Eyes II) IMDB

April Wade as May the helmet kid camper (April’s Showers, Punching the Clown) IMDB

Carl Storm as Hiratio the autistic camper (Day of the Dead 2, Rattle Basket) IMDB

Keith Hastings as Mattie the other autistic camper (Ex Men, Grave Situations) IMDB

Daniel Jenson as Brandon the crack baby camper (Rattle Basket) IMDB

Jessica Leaser as a Stacey the cowgirl camp counselor (Earl’s Your Uncle) IMDB

Thomas Crnkovich as Buck the strung out hippe camper (Corpses, Meaner Than Hell, Sergeant Kabuki Man) IMDB

Amanda MacDonald as Alice the day hiker hottie (Little Black Boot, Rattle Basket) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When some unfortunate day hikers stumble across a toxic stream, they unwittingly bring a zombie plague back to Camp Special Dude, a summer retreat for the physically and mentally challenged, forcing the counselors to gather all of them campers together to tray and come up with a plan to try and make it down off of the mountain. But, as night starts to set in and they find themselves decreasing in numbers as they are picked off one by one to join the walking dead, the survivors make for the junkyard in order to arm themselves in one last ditch effort to reach civilization.

Snipit:

Mac to Snuffy – (Mac)”So, when did you and uncle Merv do all of this zombie hunting pop?” (Snuffy)” Right after we first got the ranch. Why do you think we got it so cheap? Right smack dab in the middle of zombie country. It really chaps my ass. Clean them out pretty good though… Their sneaky bastards. Especially in the dark. Let’s go.” (Mac)”I think we have enough horses.” (Snuffy)”Probably already infected. You ever ride a zombie horse boy? I have. It ain’t no fun.”       

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and some nadoxin for: mysterious headlights, the world’s longest extension chord, zombie stealing a car, medicinal weed, making out with a zombie, the where are they sign, getting gummed, run of the mill zombies in the cow pen, brain on a stick, leaving a zombie speechless, the special DVD button, creating zombie descent, making a cross out of popsicle sticks, filling the zombie’s mouth with glue and popsicle sticks, honking for justice, horse and chicken zombies, punching popping severed heads, zombie poo, a spit bubble party, puppets and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS zombie with touretts Nth!

Food:

A Hooter’s two cheese grilled cheese sandwich with fries, a few zingers, a bag of caramel swirl marshmallows, a box of Tag-A-Longs, a candy necklace, and a bottle of blue raspberry jolley rancher soda or whatever gets you through the night.     

Other Memorable Lines:

Cassie to Mac – (Cassie)”Hey, is she hotter than me?”

Cassie to Mac – (Cassie)”If we were attacked by a puma right now would you save me?” (Mac)”No!”

Mac to group – (Mac)”I don’t mean to tinkle on anyone’s tard telethon but, all of the cars are down at the bottom of the miuntain.”

Oswald singing to group – (Oswald)”Sweet Maggie Seaver, I wanna feed her beaver…”

Todd to Dale – (Todd)”Do you like shark week? Do you have a boyfriend?”

Eriq to homie – (Eriq)”Why do I got to read the map? I an’t Christopher Columbus?”

Mac to Todd – (Mac)”Where did you get that fruit cup? Did you bring enough fruit cups for everybody?”

Final Stupor of Thought:

So, this movie IS classic. Worth putting into the movie collection next to Monsturd, Retardead, Jack Frost and Uncle Sam. Mix in a monkey, a robot, a midget and more of the puppet, and this would be a gem of gems with a bit more dialogue. But, hey who needs more dialogue with a tourettes zombie and zombie’s stealing cars? So, while you are out and about today picking up Star Wars the Clone Wars, Quantum of Solace, The Watchmen – The Black Freighter, and Venture Brothers season 3 on DVD, garb this baby and throw a Friday night party for a viewing. Or, get Charles in Charge season 4. You make the call. I did. Nicloe Eggert or chainsaws and wheelchairs. You flip the coin.                      

Punk go leepy now…

Nothing says sequel like:

RETARDEAD

That’s right, their dying to meat you!

2008 100 minutes rated R (Language, Gore, Violence) by 4 3 2 1 Films – Directed & written by Rick Popko (Monsturd, Retuma) IMDB & also directed & written by Dan West (Monsturd, Rectuma) IMDB

STARRING:

Paul Weiner as the on the edge sheriff (Monsturd, Rectuma) IMDB

Beth West as the ace FBI agent Hannigan (Monsturd) IMDB

Dan Burr as the psychotic Dr. Stern (Monsturd, Rectuma) IMDB

Dan West (That’s right, he’s the director) as they wacky local yokel deputy Dan (Monsturd, Rectuma) IMDB

Rick Popko (That’s right, he’s the other director) as the other wacky deputy Rick (Monsturd, Rectuma) IMDB

Jello Biafra as the spacey mayor (That’s Right, the lead singer of the Dead Kennedy’s who just happen to rule!) IMDB

David F. Friedman as Captain Kooky and his storytime movies (Bikini Drive Inn, The Erotic Adventures of Zorro) IMDB

Herschell Gordon Lewis as the narrator (Chainsaw Sally, Monster A Go-go) IMDB

Dave Dumanis as the Rolo the special needs kid in a wheelchair with hair sticking out of the holes his helmet (Monsturd, Need) IMDB

Shawn Kresal as Bobby the special needs kid wearing the I’m with stupid (pointing up) tee shirt (xXx, Man Moment, Machine) IMDB

Marc Samuels as Danny the rock banging, crayon up his nose special needs kid (Tribes, Larry King Live Tech) IMDB

Jay Huston as James the paste eating special needs kid (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Dalia Vidor as Wendy the coke bottle glasses snot nosed special needs kid (Monsturd) IMDB

Mark Pirro as the wacky police sketch artist (Monsturd, Rectuma, Curse of the Queerwolf) IMDB

Timm Carney as Timmy the snitch (Monsturd) IMDB

Michael Allen as the institute director (Precious Moments) IMDB

The Living Dead Girlz as themselves (Look them up if you don’t know) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Well, it turns out that the evil Dr. Stern has survived his sewer encounter with his creation the Monsturd and has taken a job at the county institute for special needs kids where he continues to try and perfect his Alganon 9 serum which will help people become smarter and stronger. And, with the special needs kids getting smarter day by day and the police and FBI distracted by the winnie wagging bandit all seems well. But, when the kids start experiencing some side affects like anger, aggression and cannibalism, all hell breaks loose as they wander away from the school and start attacking the townsfolk causing the CDC, FEMA and the National Guard to declare a state of emergency and cordon off the town until a cure can be found. Thus, leaving the surviving townsfolk, police and FBI agents to fend for themselves as they decide to arm themselves with every implement of death they can find and then lure all the zombies to the city morgue to take them out one by one.

Snipit:

Agent Hannigan to Sheriff – (Agent)”Ya know it’s not your fault. We know who is to blame for this. I had to kill a clown, a priest and two elderly people on my way here!” (Janitor)”Damnnnn.” (Agent)”I am not even sure the elderly people were zombies. But, they were moving so slowly towards me, I couldn’t take any chances!”

Rating:

(4-1/2) Prozac’s and some mepradine for: A zombie shelter, balloon animals, a Dracula versus Jack the Ripper trailer, going to school in your bunny jumper, knocking your wife out, putting her in a duffel bag and locking her in the closet for safety, splodin’ choppers, zombie dog, running out of chord for your chainsaw, mini van zombies, a guts wrangler, running away with your chicken, zombie food fight, styrofoam head on a stick, party clown zombie, lego robots, monkey’s with machine guns the band and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS a thorazine gun Nth!

Food:

A few tubs of Hormel compleats Swedish meatballs and some Hillshire Farms smoked sausage (Ya, go meat! Yes, it’s a website), with a few slices of Dick’s Deli white American cheese, a box of the new dulce de leche Girl Scout Cookies (out yesterday), a box of gummi body parts, a bag of oozing eyeball candy, and a bottle of cherry Jolly Rancher soda or whatever makes you foam at the mouth.

Other Memorable Lines:

Deputy to other deputy – (Dan)”You know, it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even feel guilty about drinking on the job anymore!”

Deputy to other deputy – (Dan)”Dude, what’s up with these stamps from the LSD case? They won’t stick to anything.”

Mayor to press – (Mayor)”We all know that flesh eating zombies are imaginary just like unicorns and necrophiliacs so, you might as well say our town is under attack by fleshing eating Democrats!”

Mayor to press – (Mayor)”If we are going to be attacked by anything it should be big silicone breasted women that smother you with their breasts.”

Sheriff to Janitor – (Sheriff)”Dr. Kavorkian has a plan.” (Janitor)”Well, I hope it’s better than his releasing a zombie plague plan.”

Sheriff to Janitor – (Sheriff)”What’s better than a cure?” (Janitor)”An antidote?”

Dr to special needs kids – (Dr.)”Science doesn’t care whether you pee your pants or rub cookies in your hair.”

Wife to deputy – (Wife)”Since when is watching porno’s and drinking beer official police business?”

Mom to institute director – (Mon)”My son’s progress is amazing! He read through crime and punishment yesterday when the day before he couldn’t get through red car blue car.”

Deputy to other deputy – (Rick)”Ya, I got some ninja thrown’ stars!”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Monsturd ruled and this is a sweet follow up. Just could have used a midget. However, they do give you a free copy of the soundtrack with the purchase of the DVD. It’s inside. And, YES! It does include the classic theme song by the Monkey’s with Machine Guns and also has the Monsturd balled on it. So, head out and buy this sucker now while your out picking up Pinocchio on blueray tomorrow (remember Disney gives a regular DVD copy with your blueray purchase) along with Transporter 3, Role Models, Howard the Duck and the remastered Disney Witch Mountain special edition movie pack.

Punk go leepy now…

Nothing says Grammy like cheerleaders, ninjas and George Takei in:

NINJA CHEERLEADERS

That’s right, they fight to cheer another day!

2008 81 minutes rated R? (mine said unrated and I noticed was some brief nudity and sexual content – dancing on stripper poles in lingire – never had to close my eyes) by Peacearch and Shoreline Entertainment – Directed & written by David Presley (Lessons Lost & the Date has spent most of his life as a camera man and electrical grip guy) IMDB

STARRING:

Trishelle Cannatella as Courtney the Leo who likes particle physics, the Boston Philharmonic and the opened palmed nose punch (Hillz, V.I.P. and The Dukes of Hazzard the Beginning) IMDB

Ginny Weirick as April the Ares who likes history, the Killers and the throat groin combination (Devil’s Trade) IMDB

Maitland McConnell as Monica the Scorpio that likes economics, the Strokes and the spinning sidekick (Killer Movie, Detention) IMDB

George Takei [That’s Ta-Kay] as the mystical strip club and dojo owner (Do I really need to list anything? Do I? Okay, hows about Mulan, The Simpsons, Oblivion I & II) IMDB

Michael Pare as the mob boss with a mullet (Rampage, Bloodrayne II, Starhunter) IMDB

Jason Ellis as the over the top strip off MC (Skater, Mixed Martial Arts guy, Wild World of Spike, X-Games host) IMDB

Larry Poindexter as the nosy detective (Blade the Series) IMDB

Natasha Chang as Kinji the wacky assassin (The Metro Sexual) IMDB

Omar J. Dorsey as the rough-n-tuff bouncer (Race to Witch Mountain, School for Scoundrels, Road Trip) IMDB

Michael Fitzgibbon as the undersexed cheerleading coach (Bitch) IMDB

Max Perlich as the whiny Jimmy the snitch (Duces Wild, Burn Notice, Terminator SC) IMDB

Steve Olson as Troy the scared stiff sailor (Absolute Evil, Curse of the Zodiac) IMDB

Lateff Crowder as the muscled up karate guy (Tekken) IMDB

Kennedy Heidel as girl scout #4 (Just mentioned her because her acting career consists of being a girl scout) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Well. You’ve got three down and out Los Lomas Malas community collage cheerleaders from the poor side of town trained as ninjas that have struggled to deal with redneck families, getting straight A’s during the day and stripping at night in order to get accepted to an Ivy League school and get out of a town that they are just plain tired of. And, all seems well until the day of collage finals (cause we all know every test takes place on one day) when their sensei and strip club boss is kidnapped by the mob. Thus, forcing them to go to war to find out why he was kidnapped and save him in addition to being able to ace their tests, cheer at the big game, and try to take 1st place at the all city strip off while being attacked mafia goons and hitmen. Being hunted by dark ninja’s with questionable morals all while dodging the police as they leave a swath of destruction in their wake.

Snipit:

Mob Boss to Sensei – GUN SHOT (Mob Boss)”Owe! God! Ninja’s don’t use guns?” (Sensei)”Ahhh, but I’m old & I forget the rules sometimes.”

Rating:

(3-1/2) Prozac’s and some amatriptyline for: cheer practice, tommy guns, a drunken sailor beat down, a negative nancy, an electrocuted screaming George, a ninja crossbow, getting’ kissed and kicked, a mafia yo-yo, throwing stars, answering your cell phone during a sword fight, assassins’ talking in the third person, a brunette anger issues, a front yard garden hose enema, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS magic sword fighting sparks and Herculoid sound effects Nth!

Food:

A plate of spaghetti and meatballs with a spoonful of sauce and some crispy chicken stripes, a whole mess of candy buttons, a cookie monster cookie, a few cupcakes, a couple of jolly rancher stix (may I recommend the blue raspberry) a box of screaming yello zonkers and a liter or two of 7-up (cause it’s crisp and clean) or whatever makes you all bubbly.

Other Memorable Lines:

Detective to Monica – (Detective)”Ugggh hang on! You sent five guys to the hospital and in the process you got me shot all while you knew where Hiroshi was being held and you you decide to go to a strip off!” (Monica)”Your just bitter cause you got shot.”

Hiroshi to students – (Hiroshi)”Front kick. Begin! Kick higher! Rape is still rape with sore thighs.”

April to Snitch – (April)”Is this what you were going to hurt me with tiny Balls!?”

Mob boss to Hiroshi – (Mob Boss)”Look, I respect you but, you gotta go.” (Hiroshi)”You are the one that will soon be dead.” (Mob Boss)”What are you talking about? Those chicks? Those strippers? They are already dead.” (Hiroshi)”Perhaps.” (Mob Boss)”Hey, have you heard of the dark ninja’s? The ones that were expelled from your country for questionable morals. Well. I hired one to take care of your chicks.” RAPID GUNFIRE INSUES (Hiroshi)”Perhasps you should have hired two.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Verging on a ramped up risqué version of a Disney movie this one is definitely worth searching out for a night of laughs, giggles and hot chicks. And, besides it has magic sword fighting sparks with Herculoid sound effects. If you don’t understand the word Herculoid, use your computer words to look up Herculoids and then watch one on line or on Boomerang. Ahhhh happy fun. Don’t forget Futuramma Wild Green Yonder and The Universe S1 & S2 with The Planets and How the Earth Was Made bundle out on dvd today along with Sex Drive, Breaking Bad S1, Red Green 2001, Dirty Jobs S4, Cities of the Underworld S2 and Akira on Blueray.

Punk go sleepy now…

Because nothing says happy Valentines Day like an ancient Chinese Demon of War and patron saint of the bean curd it’s:



MY NAME IS BRUCE

That’s Right, he’s fearless, unstoppable and ready for his close-up!

It’s, “Kinda like Caligula meets the Appledumpling Gang.”

2008 86 minutes rated R for (Language, Violence, Gore) by Darkhorse Entertainment – Directed by Bruce Campbell (Man With the Screaming Brain, V.I.P., Xena, Hercules) IMDB & written by Mark Verheiden (The new BSG, Smallville, Timecop, The Mask) IMDB

STARRING:

Bruce Campbell as himself the down and out actor with a huge ego and a big heart (Sky High, Escape From L.A., Aqua Teen Hunger Force the Moive, Pitfall 3D, Megas XLR, Video Games, Brisco County Jr., Jake of All Trades, Burn Notice, Congo, McHale’s Navy, Moontrap, Ant Bully, Fargo, The Demolitionist, The Man With the Screaming Brain, Evil Dead I & II, Army of Darkness, Alien Apocalypse, From Dusk Till Dawn II, Spiderman I, II & III, Maniac Cop, and Ellen – all just off of the top of my head) IMDB

Grace Thorsen as Kelly Thorsen the single mother of a mega geek just trying to get by(Sixes & the One Eyed King) IMDB

Taylor Sharpe as Jeff the goth nerd in need of a hero (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time.) IMDB

Ted Rami as Mills Toddner the sleazy super agent (Xne, Hercules, Spiderman I, II & III, The Grudge, Odyssey 5, The Legend of the Seeker, Manic Cop) IMDB

Ted Rami as Wing the wacky Chinese “mystic” (Ya, see above)

Ted Rami as the wacky French town population sign painter (Ya, do it again)

Ben L. McCain as the kindly mayor (Black Scorpion, Lois & Clark, Biodome) IMDB

Ellen Sandweiss as Cheryl the ex-wife and all around angry woman (Evil Dead, Satan’s Playground) IMDB

Mike Campbell as the guy shot in the chest (Port Charles, Major League II, Days) IMDB

Colin Campbell as guy shot in the shoulder (Transylmania, Van Wilder, V.I.P.) IMDB

Timothy Patrick Quill as Frank the gun dealer (Spiderman movies, Evil Dead movies) IMDB

Dan Hicks as the old coot of a dirt farmer (Evil Dead II, Maniac Cop, Darkman, Spiderman movies) IMDB

Logan Martin as Clayton the “cool” kid (Wow & Flutter) IMDB

Ali Akay as little Debbie the Vandelistic goth chick (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Ariel Badenhop as big Debbie the other goth chick (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When a bunch of punk teenagers out partying at a local graveyard remove a mystical burial seal unleashing Guan Di the ancient Chinese war demon, protector of the dead and patron saint of the bean curd, all hell breaks loose as the demon begins wiping out all of the towns people forcing the only teenage graveyard survivor Jeff to seek out his idol role model, and action star hero Bruce Campbell to help save the town from the demon. But when Bruce refuses to help Jeff is forced to kidnap Bruce leaving Bruce to think that this is all some sort of wacky birthday prank until he comes face to face with the demon at which point he runs away screaming only to have his big heart bring him back when he later hears that Jeff is going to face the Demon alone.

Snipit:

Jeff to Bruce – (Jeff)”Look, I know this is a big imposition for you. So, whatever I can do to make you feel at home, just let me know. Okay?” (Bruce)”First of all kid Mr. Campbell makes soup. My name is Bruce. Secondly, you wanna get on my good side, you’ll dig up a bar of soap and a bottle of Jack and not in that order.”

Rating:

(5) Prozac’s straight up and some Valerian for: standee bait, a drive by egging, mystical lightening, an AMC hornet rumble wagon (At least I think it was ahornet, it could have been an Aspen or just the plain AMC, a car so great it didn’t need a name), the BC 5000, hooch for the pooch, throwing green goo, sending the old wheelchair vet for a ride, a balloon teach, an ancient Chinese whino dance, samurai mine zombie, the chattering monkey, diving to save the limited edition collectible, getting gothed up to fight demons, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS the mystical Brady Bunch tiki seal Nth!

Food:

A bucket of cold Albertson’s hot wings with ranch dressing and bean dip or a heart shaped pizza and an epi-pen, a few little Debbie M80’s a bag of raspberry juju hearts, a box of heart breakers, some despair hearts (cause the candy will last longer than your dysfunctional relationship), a nice IBC sarsaparilla or a bowl of Grape nuts and rum dingers or whatever makes you blackout.

Other Memorable Lines:

Not helping you out here this time. There are so many AWESOME lines that you are just going to have to go out and get this gem to find them on your own.

Well, okay, since it’s kinda a VD review, here’s one:

Jeff to Little Debbie – (Little Debbie)”Let’s break something! BREAK (Jeff)”As long as it’s not my heart. Whaddya say, give me some sugar baby!” (Little Debbie)”Ugh What!” (Jeff)”We can play the hard to get all night but this game’s called eye tag and let’s say I’m it.” (Little Debbie)Spits in Jeff’s face and runs off laughing. (Jeff)”Your loss baby. Your loss…..”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Screw happy VD day! It’s BC day today and at least until the 14th! It’s a Bruce Campbell movie! What more do you want? What more do you need? It’s by him, about him, full of geekdom and, generously pokes Hollywood full of holes. It’s an instant classic! Did I mention I love this movie? There is nothing else coming out today on DVD that deserves your money more than this succulent piece of pressed plastic. Find it, get it, buy it and watch each night as you go to bed. It’s the perfect Valentines gift or evening with or without anyone to sit next to.

Punk go cry himself to sleep again…while watching this movie.

Nothing says Christmas scantily clad women, midgets, monkeys and YES robots in:

POSTAL

That’s Right, it’s gut bustingly offensive & stupid!

2008 102 minutes rated R (Violence, Profanity, Nudity & Drug Use) by Vivendi Entertainment & Pitchblack Pictures – Directed & written by Uwe Boll (Bloodrayne, House of the Dead, Zombie Massacre) IMDB & also written by Bryan Knight (hasn’t written anything else) IMDB

STARRING:

Zack Ward as the down and out dude (Titus, A Christmas Story, Resident Evil Apocalypse, Freddy vs Jason) IMDB

Dave Foley as Uncle Dave the wacky hippie cult leader(SGA, Slacker Cats, Newsradio, Sky High, Kids in the Hall) IMDB

Chris Coppola as Richard the religious zealot (Beowulf, Spawn) IMDB

Jackie Thon as Faith the hot gun tote’n Grind Zero barista (Sopranos, The Nanny) IMDB

J.K. Simmons as presidential candidate Weller (The Closer, Law & Order, Oz, Spiderman, Juno, Burn After Reading) IMDB

Ralf Moeller as office John the foreigner in training (The Scorpion King, Gladiator, Car Pirates, Pathfinder) IMDB

Verne Troyer as himself (The Love Guru, Jack of all Trades, Austin Powers, Shasta McNasty, Mighty Joe Young) IMDB

Larry Thomas as the lactose intolerant Osama Bin Laden (Seinfeld) IMDB

Seymour Cassel as old coot #1 (Batman, Bonanza, The Fugitive, Invaders) IMDB

David Huddleston as old coot #2 (Bonanza, Rio Lobo, Sarge) IMDB

Chris Spencer as Officer Greg the bad cop (The Show, Delta Farce) IMDB

Michael Pare as crazy redneck neighbor (Starhunter, Bloodrayne II, Ninja Cheerleaders) IMDB

Erick Avali as Habib the uptight convenience store owner (The Mummy, Stargate, SG-1, Heroes, B5) IMDB

Brent Mendenhall as the happy go lucky skippity do da George W. (George W.) IMDB

Michael Benyaer as Mohammad the leader of the mini van terrorist cell (Reboot, Robot Chicken, Transformers 2) IMDB

Uwe Boll as himself owner of little Germany (Bloodrayne, Postal) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

After loosing his job, finding his wife cheating on him (with the whole trailer park), being abused by the neighbors, picked on by the townsfolk, stepping in dog do and attending the worst job interviews ever, Dude decides he can’t take it anymore and joins his con artist hippie cult leader Uncle Dave in a scheme to steal the U.S.’s only shipment of the highly coveted toy of the year the crotchy doll in order to resell them at extremely inflated prices to pay off the IRS and become rich. But, when the heist turns into an all out gun battle at the new theme park Little Germany with terrorists trying to use the dolls to spread the bird flu, all hell breaks loose with religious zealots going insane, hippies getting fully armed, trailer parks forming vigilante groups, the President being called in and China declaring war on the U.S. leaving dude wondering if he should try and save the world or just take his new girl out to eat.

Snipit:

Ritchie to zealots – (Ritchie)”But in order to fulfill the prophecy in Dave’s bible, we must wipe out the entire planet!” (Troyer)”If you wrote anything about me in that bible, we are gonna have some serious problems!” (Ritchie)”And you hall know when the day of reckoning begins because on that day a tiny entertainer will be raped by a thousand monkeys! Bring on the monkeys!” (Troyer)”Oh no, not the monkeys!” (Uncle Dave)”All in all this has really not been a pleasant day.”

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and some Singular for: Glutco, being too big to get out of the trailer house, the company fight song, motivational corporate severed heads, pushing your suitcase to town, the dominating your employees seminar, Hell of a day Inn, running a disability panhandeling operation out of your garage, looking for better service numbers during the shooting at the welfare office, DOOM the Denomination of Organic Monotheism, a government worker drive by, tossing midgets, a 1,000 screaming monkeys, a robot, the invisible gun, the action figure battle plan and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS using the kitty as a silencer! Nth!

Food:

A few big breakfasts with hash browns, syrup and an undercooked egg McMuffin, a box of frosted flakes, some cotton candy, a box of pop tarts, a few jelly canes, more Lisa’s passion for popcorn Christmas corn and a white chocolate Co Co cone add milk if you like or whatever gets you through till the batteries are dead.

Other Memorable Lines:

Executive assistant to Dude – “If you were in a box, how would you think outside of it?”

Candiate Weller – “George W. Bush is a sham. He is an actor and that’s not even his real name!”

Uncle Dave to Dude – (Dude)”I just play by the rules now.” (Dave)”Look man nobody plays by the rules. You bend them or you break them. Anything else is just a slow death.” (Dude)”Ya, that’s what it feels like.”

Uncle Dave to Ritchie – “That’s a beautifully retarded sentiment Ritchie.”

Officer Greg to Harry (the invalid) – “Say will work for food in German.” (Harry)”ughhhhhhhh.”

Government Worker Drive by – (Dude)”Hey! It’s the moo cow from the welfare office. Sorry were closed bitch!” (Car 1) Wham, (Car 2) Wham, (Car 3) Wham! (Police)”What was that? Oh, I thought we had a flat but we just ran over some girl. Whew. Thank God. Got a body on Maple. Please repeat that unit 201. Maple! Like the syrup.

Final Stupor of Thought:

This is a gut chuckler that makes fun of everyone and everything going on in the world right now. So, if you can handle all of the stuff that is in bad taste and just laugh at the society around us, this is enjoyable and was even better the second time I saw it. Why not five prozacs you ask? Well, it had some slow parts and really didn’t make a lot of continuity sense in order to get all of the jokes in. So, just enjoy it for what it is. Otherwise go buy Deathrace or Doctor Horrible’s sing along blog out on DVD tomorrow cause you know damn well nobody is going to be buying you those for Christmas.

Punk go merrily cry himself to sleep now and to all a good night. Out!

Nothing says stocking stuffer like Tae Kwan Do lessons in:



THE FOOT FIST WAY

That’s Right, it’s the story of a man who teaches people how to kick other people in the face!

2008 82 minutes rated R (Sex, Violence, Profanity, & Drug Use) by Viacom & Mtv Entertainment – Directed & written by Jody Hill (East Bound & Down) IMDB & also written by Ben Best (East Bound & Down) IMDB

STARRING:

Danny R. McBride as Fred Simmons Master of the Mall Dojo (Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder, Drillbit Taylor, Superbad, Land of the Lost, Hot Rod) IMDB

Ben Best as Chuck the Truck Taylor the Kung Fu Movie star and drug addict (Superbad) That’s right, he’s the main writer. IMDB

Jody Hill as Mike the crazy black belt and goth band guy (Superbad) Ya, he’s the director. IMDB

Mary Jane Bostic as Suzi Simmons the dumb blonde of a wife (Note To Self) IMDB

Carlos Lopez as Henry the shy karate kid (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Spencer Moreno as Julio Chavez the chubby little black belt (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Colette Wolfe as Denise the hot student (Semi Pro) IMDB

Ken Aguilar as Rickster third in command (The Jail House) IMDB

Tyler Baum as Armand the beatnik (Assy McGee) IMDB

Sean Baxter as Roy Powers the master instructor (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Bruce Cameron as Bruce the guy with anger issues (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Libertad Green as the drunk model (Psychic Witness) IMDB

Deborah Loates as Marge the beating student (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Juan Carlos Guzman as Carlos the other student (Eyeborgs) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Egotistical and slightly inept Fred Simmons is a master of his domain and shopping mall dojo thinking himself the ultimate neighborhood sensei until he finds out his wife has been cheating on him with one of students fathers forcing him to take up stalking and hitting on his female students only to realize he is loosing control so, he sets out on a journey to a karate convention to track down his idol for advice. Only to bring his idol into town to test his students and find him sleeping with his wife culminating in a backyard throw down and student belt advancement beat down where he just may find out what is really important in life.

Snipit:

Fred to gang – (Fred)”How much longer? Hurry up! I mean when I told you all to take pees before we left, I was serious about that! You don’t see me out here acting like some kind of animal. I am missing valuable expo time right now! They probably already sold all of the good throwing stars! ”

Rating:

(2-1/2) Prozac’s and some Mupirocin for: The master of the demo, playing mental games with your students and prospective clients, a whole mess of broken boards and concrete, flame shirts, beatin’ the mannequin, a Zema sighting, ninja’s, the Bamma Slamma convention, waking up in a roadway island with your bottle, loosing valuable expo time, kicking the crap out of beatniks, beating up the band and YESSSSSSSSSSS! Taking your students stalking nth!

Food:

A few thin crust meat lovers pizzas, add your own Christmas spam, a box of hot light crispy crèmes, a life saver story book, some Lisa’s passion for popcorn Christmas corn, a few raspberry stixs, a box of reindeer nuggets and a few Stewart’s crème ales or some wine with a Zema chaser (a whzma) or a crate of chocolate liquors and vodka chocolate drops if ya just happen to have some lying around. That’s right, there all the gift that keeps on giving.

Other Memorable Lines:

Julio to Fred – (Julio)”Who do you think would win a fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck the Truck Turner?” (Fred)”What! Are you kidding! The Truck easy. He’s the eight year undefeated kick boxing champion! Can Bruce Lee say that? No, Bruce Lee is dead!”

Fred to Denise – (Fred)”Jujitsu sucks. What you want is Taw Kwan Do. It’s got everything. Mental. Physical.” (Denise)”That’s good I am into Yoga and love meditation.” (Fred)”Meditation is good and all but, I’ve never heard of it saving anyone from a gang rape situation. Meditate on that!”

Fred to Suzi – (Fred)” I think someone who doesn’t have a degree should just hold to what they know. Which in your case is what? Dental, dentistery?” (Suzi)”Dentistry!” (Fred)”Dentistry? Whatever. I can’t even believe that’s something that’s real.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, this was an okay chuckle to get you in the smiling mood for the season. A little slow kind of like a bunch of Saturday Night Live segments strung together. But, it did have it’s belly laugh moments. So, check it out if you need to unwind from say a shopping trip where you had to dodge and fight three or four hundred selfish wackos. Otherwise grab the Batman out on DVD today in addition to Horton Hears a Who and Lost Season Four. Or, just wait for the weekend and the new heat miser & snow miser Christmas special. Sweeeeeeeeeet nth!

Punk go cry himself to sleep now.