Well, because it’s officially summer and nothing says campy like:

GENERATION X THE MOVIE

That’s right, Heroes are no longer born they are created!   

Feb 20^th 1996 84 minutes rated PG-13 (Language, Intense Scenes, Violence) by Fox and New World Entertainment – Directed by Jack Sholder (Nightmare on Elm Street II, Temors T.V.) IMDB & written by Eric Blakeney (VR5, Booker) IMDB

STARRING:

Matt Frewer as Russel Tresh the slightly unbalanced maniacal physicist (STNG, Max Headroom, The Watchmen, Eureka, Lawnmower Man, Doctor Doctor) IMDB

Finola Hughes as Emma Frost the hottie psychic (Blossom, General Hospital, Charmed) IMDB

Jeremy Ratchford as Sean Cassidy aka Banshee as teacher of the gifted (Cold Case, Tek War, The Stupids) IMDB

Heather McComb as Jubilation Lee aka Jubilee the tough video game ace (Profiler) IMDB

Agustin Rodriguez as Angelo aka skin the tough Latino (Moon Over Miami) IMDB

Randall Slavin as Kurt aka Refrax the Cyclops knockoff (Monster High) IMDB

Bumper Robinson as Mondo the material absorbing guy (STDS9, Night Court, A Different World, Transformers Animated, Batman the Brave and the Bold) IMDB

Suzanne Davis as Arelee aka Buff the super strong woman (Undressed) IMDB

Amarilia as Monet St. Croix aka M the prefect mutant (Sweet Valley High) IMDB

Tyler Labine as the mall rat (Reaper) IMDB

Kevin McNulty as Ralston some guy in the movie (Stargate SG1, BSG II, Watchmen) IMDB

Gary Chalk as Detective Gains (Stargate SG-1) IMDB

Lalainia Lindbjerg as Kayla the love interest (Dragon Ball Z) IMDB

Kavan Smith as the main RAH jock (Stargate SGA) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

With mutant hysteria sweeping the world a new school for young mutants is formed to help them control their powers and provide an alternative to incarceration in government camps. But, the gifted kids don’t play well together until one of them is abducted by an evil scientist bent on drilling into mutant’s heads to steal their powers and then take over people’s dreams. This forces the remaining kids and their teachers to come together as team and enter the 5^th dimension, the dream dimension, and do battle with the evil doctor to save their classmate and the world.      

Snipit:

Evil Dr to Boss – (Dr.)”Hey, I am a classic. Low self esteem, Dysfunctional. Over compensating with grandiose delusions. In other words, I won’t be happy until the psycho slut who humiliated me gravels at my feet and anoints me as her god. That makes sense doesn’t it?” (Boss)”A woman Russel?” (Dr)”Isn’t it always!”

Rating:

(2-1/2) Prozac’s and some lortab for:  Teenage harpies, muscle dude in a bra, a pie hole stuffing contest, the 90210 security code, clowns and animal balloons, the real dream machine, a rah rah letterman jacket, neon lipstick, a brain saw, mad computer skills, breaking into a mental instruction, the psychiatric lunch, feeling like a total bitch, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS the hot salsa neon dance dream date sequence complete with parrots! All it was missing was some tiki room music.  

Food:

A few fast franks, with a plate of crispy Ore Idea home fries, some twix, a box of milk duds, a bag of razzels, and a jar of tang energy drink or whatever wakes you up in the morning.

Other Memorable Lines:

Jublie to mom – (Jublie)”What kind of freak am I mom?”

Frost to Cops – (Frost)”Officers Hootie and Blowfish from mutant affairs here to pick up the mutants.”

Dr. to boss – (Dr.)”I can’t help being creative anymore than you can help being a greedy capitalist.”

Kurt to Frost (Kurt)”Excuse me Misses Frost, how are we supposed to relax and concentrate at the same time?” (Frost)”Make believe you are playing with yourself Kurt.”

Sean to Jubliee – (Sean)”Don’t worry darling, the place has been updated since Frankenstein lived here.”

Frost to Jubliee – (Frost)”At the mutant academy you will be required to follow a course of traiing suited to your mutant abilities and general interests.” (Jubliee)”I am interested in body piercing.” (Sean)”Well, your priorities are shifting darling. We’re training you to be a superhero.” (Jubliee)”Will I have to wear one of those goofy superhero costumes?” (Sean)”When you’ve graduated and are able to fight crime, you will be given a uniform. The uniforms are quite tasteful and as you can see we prefer to keep a low profile.”

Sean to mother – (Sean)” We would like to help your daughter and offer an alternative to mutant camp.” (Mother)”In what a stripper club?”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Oh baby, this gem is usually on the lists of the worst comic book movies of all time. But, Frewer’s part makes this movie watchable and entertaining when you are hyped up on pixie stixs, razzels and mountain dew. Give it a watch so that you can say with pride, “Ya I’ve seen that.” And, who knows you may just find yourself giggling out loud at Frewer’s wackiness. Did I mention that I love Max Headroom?  Otherwise run out a grab the Peanuts 1960’s redux box set and the complete Those Who Hunt Elves or maybe Push because everything else out on DVD today pales in comparison to Generation X the movie!                               

Punk go leepy now…

Well, because nothing says summer like some good death in:

THE DEATH OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK

That’s right, he’s frightening, savage & uncontrollable!   

Feb 18^th 1990 94 minutes rated PG (Intense Scenes, Violence) by Anchorbay Entertainment & Twentieth Century Fox– Directed by Bill Bixby (Blossom, Sledge Hammer) IMDB & written by Gerald DiPego (The Forgotten, Sharkey’s Machine) IMDB

STARRING:

Bill Bixby as Dr. David Banner our troubled wanderer (True Confessions, Hulk TV, Ironsides, Blossom) IMDB

Lou Ferrigno as the green meanie (Hulk, Frank McKlusky CI, Conan TV, Black Scorpion) IMDB

Phillip Sterling as Dr. Pratt the bumbling scientist (Saint Elsewhere, Barney Miller, The Paperchase) IMDB

Elizabeth Gracen as Yasmine our lovely terrorist (Highlander, Miss America 1982) IMDB

Barbara Tarbuck as Amy Pratt the inquisitive wife (General Hospital, Donnie Darko) IMDB

Andreas Katsulas as Kasha the crime syndicate boss (Babylon 5, STNG, STE, Executive Decision) IMDB

Anna Katarina as Belle the wicked sister (Star Trek 09) IMDB

Chilton Crane as Beth the security guard hottie (4400, Highlander) IMDB

John Novak as Zed the mafia enforcer (Stargate SG1, Booker, Wishmaster movies) IMDB

Carla Ferrigno as the kindly bank teller (Nothing Else but herself) IMDB

Duncan Fraser as the head security guard (Highlander, Octopus 2, Hope Island, Mother Trucker) IMDB

Garwin Sanford as FBI agent Shoup (Stargate SG1, Stargate Atlantis, Highlander, The Odyssey) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When the wandering Dr. Banner hears about a fellow colleague making great strides in human healing with nuclear science, he gets a job at the high security government facility where the research is taking place as a lowly handicapped janitor in order to see what his colleague is up to, only to be impressed with the work prompting him to break in at night and help guide the research only to get caught. But, when his colleague offers to help heal Banner if Banner will agree to let him see and study the Hulk all seems well until terrorists break in during the experiments, stealing the data, putting Dr. Pratt into a comma, and freeing the Hulk only to trap the Hulk on an escaping plane which explodes during the getaway.    

Snipit:

Street Thug to Banner – (Thug)”Could you spare some change?” (Banner)”No, I Can’t.” (Thug)”Why not?” (Banner)”Because you look like you could get a job.”

Banner to Yasmine – (Yasmine)” Go! Get away. Who are you? Who do you work for?” (Banner)”I work for myself. I am a doctor. I will bill you later. The bullet went through but, I need to get this stitched up.” [Ya, because nuclear science doctors are also medical doctors.]

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and some soma for:  the coming and going Russian accent, running away from the limo in your jacked up 4x4, terrorists in bowties and berets, skate punks, Hulk running the circular stairs, a chloroform mask, reverse hypnosis, a caring montage, a tranq knife, a fleet of terrorist 4X4’s, joker face thug, Superman II bad guy outfits, sparkler on a parachute flare, scolding the coma victim, That’s not my “A”!, the high tech self pain giver, the Justice League science computer, fluorescent hopscotch science chalk, Bill Bixby singing during the end credits, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS the what if I get angry while were having sex moment nth!  

Food:

A plate of frozen Tony Roma’s ribs (cook if ya like), with Dr Pepper barbeque sauce and a few baked potatoes, some carrot cake (hold the carrots), a few Hulk puddings (that’s Oreo mint pudding for those that don’t know), a few Nestle Crunches, a box of Hulk cereal (that’s right, it’s con pops with marshmallows), and a few dozen bottles of retro sugarcane Mountain Dew with a few bottles of candy Hulk Serum or whatever makes you level out and feel good.

Other Memorable Lines:

Teller to Banner – (Banner)“I save my money.” (Teller)”What about going out?” (Banner) I like movies.” (Teller)”Ah, yes movies and popcorn the American Dream.”

Jasmine to Security Guard – (Yasmine)”What goes on up that at that facility?” (Guard)”I don’t know. A Bunch of egg heads doing stuff.”

Amy to Banner – (Amy)”This won’t hurt, just a little bit.”

Kasha to Yasmine – (Kasha)”Zed, he’s an artist. He’s picking his instrument. Enjoy.”

Yasmine to Banner – (Yasmine)”Why can’t we just run away?” (Banner)”We can, I have been running away all of my life.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

I keep telling you I love these. Classic, Cheesy, and just plain great fun medicated or unmedicated that once again, make you appreciate what we have now. Besides, there’s nothing else out there worth getting this week when you can get this for like $5 at the ShopKo. I mean, The Code, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Inkheart, Pink Panther 2, or Tom & Jerry the Chuck Jones collection? Well maybe the Chuck Jones collection, but come on! It’s the Hulk and Bixby’s Death!                                

Owe Damn wall. Stupid messed up broken ear drum thingy, Punk go leepy again…

Well, because these old gems are just so much fun to watch it’s:

THE INCREDIBLE HULK RETURNS

That’s right, our superhero is back in a brand new action packed adventure!   

May 22nd 1988 92 minutes rated PG (Intense Scenes, Violence) by New World Television & Anchorbay Entertainment – Directed and written by Nicholas Corea (Hulk TV, Airwolf, Renegade, STDS9, STVYGR) IMDB & also written by Stan Lee (Once again, Come ON! If you really don’t know, just quit reading now. Please!) IMDB

STARRING:

Bill Bixby as Dr. David Banner the troubled wanderer (True Confessions, Hulk TV, Ironsides, Blossom) IMDB

Lou Furrigno as the green meanie (Hulk, Frank McKlusky CI, Conan TV, Black Scorpion) IMDB

Jack Colvin as the nosy reporter Jack McGee (TV Character actor, Six Million Dollar Man, Bionic Woman, A-Team, Quincy, Etc) IMDB

Lee Purcell as Maggie the lovely biogeneticist (Airplane II, Valley Girl, Murder She Wrote, Due South) IMDB

Charles Napier as the head goon (Blues Brothers, Squidbillies, Superman Animated, Simpsons, Rambo II, BJ & The Bear, Austin Powers Movies) IMDB

John Gabriel as Joshua Lambert the rich entrepreneur (Days of Our Lives, Ryan’s Hope, Mary Tyler Moore Show) IMDB

Jay Baker as the scheming Zach Lambert (STDS9, Floors, Doors & Windows host) IMDB

Tim Thomerson as Jack LeBeau the evil mercenary (Crusade, Cherry 2000, Dollman Movies, Trancer Movies, Evil Bong, Xena, Nemesis Movies) IMDB

Eric Allen Kramer as the rampaging Thor (TV Character actor, CSI, Two & A Half Men, My Name is Earl, How I met Your Mother, Etc.) IMDB

Steve Levitt as Donald Blake the nerdy archeologist (The Paper Chase TV, Airplane II) IMDB

Tom Finnegan as the police captain (Newsies, Repo Man, Falcon Crest) IMDB

John Novak as Henchman #2 (Bloodrayne II, The Wishmaster movies) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

It’s been two years since Dr. Banner has had a Hulk fit allowing him to get a job in the big city as a nuclear scientist and even find a girlfriend. Now, on the verge of a scientific breakthrough that could provide the world with a new power source and him with a possible cure for his hulk condition all seems well until an old colleague cursed by Norse magic tracks him down and accidently releases the Thunder god Thor who proceeds to damage his infernal black magic. But, when evil mercenaries kidnap Banner’s girlfriend and try to steal what remains of his invention, Thor just may be able to make amends and help the Hulk save the girl and stop the evil doers before they both have to be on their lonely ways.   

Snipit:

Blake to Banner – (Blake)”He’s not a ghost or a spirit. He’s real! He’s as real as this counter. Only bigger & ready to do whatever I ask as long as it’s legal. Can you image having a power like this but in order to use it, it has to be focused on something like a good cause. This is the 80’s I don’t know what a good cause is anymore!”       

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and some colcichine for: the flashback sequence, the whie chord security ear plug, 80’s elevator music, a high tech CD and CD player, getting I-beamed, Thor in a hoddie, a biker bar, Thor in a towel, arm wrestling, a beer of (Yes one glass versus 10 or 12 pitchers), padded shoulders, a tricorder (which I think was actually a hand held tempest video game), setting the mood before a fight, microwaving electronics, Thor line dancing, a event time clock, a giant Styrofoam Norse hammer, & YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Fat guy Hulk stunt double nth!  

Food:

A thin crust meat lover’s pizza with bread sticks (to bulk up), a box of popumz, a few thingamajigs, a string of green zots, some raspberry pez and a bottle of original green limeade Gatorade or whatever keeps you juiced up. 

Other Memorable Lines:

Banner to Maggie – (Banner)”You smell delicious & you taste good too!”

Thor to Blake – (Thor)’You may not be much of a man but, you have a good brain and a wide heart. You are also a skilled healer. Oh, I like you Blake! But, only when you are asleep.”

Thor to Blake – (Thor)”Go ahead and ask me your questions Blake. Ask me anything.” (Blake)”Can you drive my car?” (Thor)”By Odin’s beard I can try!”

Thor to Blake – (Thor)”Peace of mind is for the dead!”

Thor to Blake – (Thor)”Do you know what it is like to be without flesh? I want food now. I want beer! I want to laugh with a woman and fight with a man!”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Let the hilarity ensue! These movies are great fun and great laughs. They make you appreciate what we have now more. So, run out an start buying up these classic’s for your collection today so that you can gather the crew have a laugh-a-thon and look for all the film mistakes. Otherwise, go see Star Trek again or for the first time if your really out of touch. Then go back home and watch this. You can scare one up at the ShopKo for around $6.00 when your out picking up Fanboys, Seth McFarlane’s Cartoon Cavalcade, Underworld Rise of the Lycans, The Disney Animation Collections 5 & 6 and of course the TOS Star Trek movies on Blueray!                               

Punk go leepy again…

Well, it was Easter and nothing says Easter like:

THE ZOMBIE DIARIES

That’s right, the cover art and disk art have nothing to do with this movie!

2008 81 minutes rated R (Language, Gore, Violence, & Nudity) by Off World & Bleeding Edge Films – Written, directed and produced by Kevin Gates (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB & Michael Bartlet (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

STARRING:

Victoria Nalder as the ace TV news reporter (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Juliet Forester as Sharon the research doctor (Dark Hunter) IMDB

Anna Blades as Vanessa the TV producer (Time Stretched) IMDB

Craig Stovin as Andy the TV crew driver (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Jonathan Ball as Matt the TV camera guy (Alone Together) IMDB

Alison Mollon as Elizabeth some gal in the movie (Nothing anyone else knows of or cars about at this time) IMDB

Kyle Sparks as Greg some guy in the movie (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Jonnie Hurn as John some other guy in the movie (Do Elephants Pray, Sickhouse) IMDB

Sophia Ellis as Anna the girl on the edge (Alien Autopsy) IMDB

James Fisher Geoff the gun toten’ marksman (Hellbride, Hooligans) IMDB

Russell Jones as Goke the dude that’s just a bit twisted (Night Dragon) IMDB

Imogen Church as Sue the loving wife (Heartless) IMDB

Will Tosh as James some other guy in the movie (The Admirer) IMDB

Ralph Mondi as Amine some other dude in the movie (The Fairy Who Stole Eyes) IMDB

Hiram Bleetman as Manny just another dude in the movie (Gnaw) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When a British TV film crew is set out on location in the rural countryside to do a news story, they become survivors of a world wide viral outbreak that is turning people into zombies forcing them to fight for their lives as the struggle to stay alive, obtain supplies and film a documentary about the world ending around them.

Snipit:

Andy to group – (Andy)”This country is in chaos! We are going to stay in these woods. At least until morning!”

Rating:

(1-1/2) Prozac’s and some Prometh (because it did have a new twist on an ending) for: tying a zombie to a perfectly good bed, flu like symptoms, the men in white suits, filming your own death, rubber duckies, and ohhh boy, about an hour and a half of Bam Margera sneaking around to beat up zombies in the dark…

Food:

A few thin sliced pork chops with hashbrowns and ketchup, a bag of swirlmallows, some Wonka Tinglerz, a few bags of edible Easter Grass, some peeps, and sixer of cream soda or whatever keeps you wired.

Other Memorable Lines:

It is hard to believe but unlike some of the worst movies I have ever seen, Gunhead, Outlaw of Gor, The Bobo, Blue Justice, Dr. Otto and the Ridde of the Gloom Beam, this actually had a couple of other chucklers that shook me out of my trance.

Andy to group – (Andy)”Is there anything in here we can pinch?”

Matt to group – (Matt)”Damnit! We need a more gun friendly society like the U.S.”.

Final Stupor of Thought:

This movie pretty much blows. No wonder they needed enticing cover and disk art. DAMN IT sucked in again. But, that’s what makes this fun. You just never know. So, the Spirit is out on DVD this week. Which is just about as good as this movie so you make the call. As for me, I think I would spend my money on Slaughter High and EXO Squad Season 1 out on DVD tomorrow as well.

Punk go leepy now…

Nothing says spring break like:

THE SPECIAL DEAD

That’s right, sometimes heroes ride the short bus!   

2006 83 minutes rated R (Language, Gore, Violence, Sex, Nudity) by Lazy Ghost Entertainment – Directed by Thomas Phillips (Rattle Basket, Earl’s Your Uncle) IMDB & also directed by Sean Simmons (Nothing Anyone Else Knows of or Currently Cares About) IMDB & written by Jared Tweedie (Rattle Basket, Earl’s Your Uncle) IMDB

STARRING:

Jason Brubaker as Mac the really cool camp counselor (Rattle Basket, Earl’s Your Uncle) IMDB

Larrs Jackson as Snuff the old curmudgeon camp owner (Skid Marks, Earl’s Your Uncle) IMDB

Amy Wade as Cassie the hottie camp counselor (Model Ball) IMDB

Gia Natale as the wheelchair bound camper (Rattle Basket, Nuclear) IMDB

Anthony Rutowicz as the knit cap, fanny pack & popsicle stick camper (Rattle Basket) IMDB

Jah Shams as Eriq the boot camp criminal gang banger on the wrong bus (Studio 60) IMDB

Mark Bate as the touretts camper (The Bunk Witch Project, Bad Dog & Superhero) IMDB

Haneka Haynes as Harley the goth counselor (Nothing Anyone Else Currently Knows of Or Cares About) IMDB

Andy Allen as Oswald the camp counselor with the guitar (Hit Me, Earl’s Your Uncle, Singer, Songwriter) IMDB

David Reynolds as the baby huey camper (Firefly, Arrested Development, Pirates!, The Hills Have Eyes II) IMDB

April Wade as May the helmet kid camper (April’s Showers, Punching the Clown) IMDB

Carl Storm as Hiratio the autistic camper (Day of the Dead 2, Rattle Basket) IMDB

Keith Hastings as Mattie the other autistic camper (Ex Men, Grave Situations) IMDB

Daniel Jenson as Brandon the crack baby camper (Rattle Basket) IMDB

Jessica Leaser as a Stacey the cowgirl camp counselor (Earl’s Your Uncle) IMDB

Thomas Crnkovich as Buck the strung out hippe camper (Corpses, Meaner Than Hell, Sergeant Kabuki Man) IMDB

Amanda MacDonald as Alice the day hiker hottie (Little Black Boot, Rattle Basket) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When some unfortunate day hikers stumble across a toxic stream, they unwittingly bring a zombie plague back to Camp Special Dude, a summer retreat for the physically and mentally challenged, forcing the counselors to gather all of them campers together to tray and come up with a plan to try and make it down off of the mountain. But, as night starts to set in and they find themselves decreasing in numbers as they are picked off one by one to join the walking dead, the survivors make for the junkyard in order to arm themselves in one last ditch effort to reach civilization.

Snipit:

Mac to Snuffy – (Mac)”So, when did you and uncle Merv do all of this zombie hunting pop?” (Snuffy)” Right after we first got the ranch. Why do you think we got it so cheap? Right smack dab in the middle of zombie country. It really chaps my ass. Clean them out pretty good though… Their sneaky bastards. Especially in the dark. Let’s go.” (Mac)”I think we have enough horses.” (Snuffy)”Probably already infected. You ever ride a zombie horse boy? I have. It ain’t no fun.”       

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and some nadoxin for: mysterious headlights, the world’s longest extension chord, zombie stealing a car, medicinal weed, making out with a zombie, the where are they sign, getting gummed, run of the mill zombies in the cow pen, brain on a stick, leaving a zombie speechless, the special DVD button, creating zombie descent, making a cross out of popsicle sticks, filling the zombie’s mouth with glue and popsicle sticks, honking for justice, horse and chicken zombies, punching popping severed heads, zombie poo, a spit bubble party, puppets and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS zombie with touretts Nth!

Food:

A Hooter’s two cheese grilled cheese sandwich with fries, a few zingers, a bag of caramel swirl marshmallows, a box of Tag-A-Longs, a candy necklace, and a bottle of blue raspberry jolley rancher soda or whatever gets you through the night.     

Other Memorable Lines:

Cassie to Mac – (Cassie)”Hey, is she hotter than me?”

Cassie to Mac – (Cassie)”If we were attacked by a puma right now would you save me?” (Mac)”No!”

Mac to group – (Mac)”I don’t mean to tinkle on anyone’s tard telethon but, all of the cars are down at the bottom of the miuntain.”

Oswald singing to group – (Oswald)”Sweet Maggie Seaver, I wanna feed her beaver…”

Todd to Dale – (Todd)”Do you like shark week? Do you have a boyfriend?”

Eriq to homie – (Eriq)”Why do I got to read the map? I an’t Christopher Columbus?”

Mac to Todd – (Mac)”Where did you get that fruit cup? Did you bring enough fruit cups for everybody?”

Final Stupor of Thought:

So, this movie IS classic. Worth putting into the movie collection next to Monsturd, Retardead, Jack Frost and Uncle Sam. Mix in a monkey, a robot, a midget and more of the puppet, and this would be a gem of gems with a bit more dialogue. But, hey who needs more dialogue with a tourettes zombie and zombie’s stealing cars? So, while you are out and about today picking up Star Wars the Clone Wars, Quantum of Solace, The Watchmen – The Black Freighter, and Venture Brothers season 3 on DVD, garb this baby and throw a Friday night party for a viewing. Or, get Charles in Charge season 4. You make the call. I did. Nicloe Eggert or chainsaws and wheelchairs. You flip the coin.                      

Punk go leepy now…

Nothing says sequel like:

RETARDEAD

That’s right, their dying to meat you!

2008 100 minutes rated R (Language, Gore, Violence) by 4 3 2 1 Films – Directed & written by Rick Popko (Monsturd, Retuma) IMDB & also directed & written by Dan West (Monsturd, Rectuma) IMDB

STARRING:

Paul Weiner as the on the edge sheriff (Monsturd, Rectuma) IMDB

Beth West as the ace FBI agent Hannigan (Monsturd) IMDB

Dan Burr as the psychotic Dr. Stern (Monsturd, Rectuma) IMDB

Dan West (That’s right, he’s the director) as they wacky local yokel deputy Dan (Monsturd, Rectuma) IMDB

Rick Popko (That’s right, he’s the other director) as the other wacky deputy Rick (Monsturd, Rectuma) IMDB

Jello Biafra as the spacey mayor (That’s Right, the lead singer of the Dead Kennedy’s who just happen to rule!) IMDB

David F. Friedman as Captain Kooky and his storytime movies (Bikini Drive Inn, The Erotic Adventures of Zorro) IMDB

Herschell Gordon Lewis as the narrator (Chainsaw Sally, Monster A Go-go) IMDB

Dave Dumanis as the Rolo the special needs kid in a wheelchair with hair sticking out of the holes his helmet (Monsturd, Need) IMDB

Shawn Kresal as Bobby the special needs kid wearing the I’m with stupid (pointing up) tee shirt (xXx, Man Moment, Machine) IMDB

Marc Samuels as Danny the rock banging, crayon up his nose special needs kid (Tribes, Larry King Live Tech) IMDB

Jay Huston as James the paste eating special needs kid (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Dalia Vidor as Wendy the coke bottle glasses snot nosed special needs kid (Monsturd) IMDB

Mark Pirro as the wacky police sketch artist (Monsturd, Rectuma, Curse of the Queerwolf) IMDB

Timm Carney as Timmy the snitch (Monsturd) IMDB

Michael Allen as the institute director (Precious Moments) IMDB

The Living Dead Girlz as themselves (Look them up if you don’t know) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Well, it turns out that the evil Dr. Stern has survived his sewer encounter with his creation the Monsturd and has taken a job at the county institute for special needs kids where he continues to try and perfect his Alganon 9 serum which will help people become smarter and stronger. And, with the special needs kids getting smarter day by day and the police and FBI distracted by the winnie wagging bandit all seems well. But, when the kids start experiencing some side affects like anger, aggression and cannibalism, all hell breaks loose as they wander away from the school and start attacking the townsfolk causing the CDC, FEMA and the National Guard to declare a state of emergency and cordon off the town until a cure can be found. Thus, leaving the surviving townsfolk, police and FBI agents to fend for themselves as they decide to arm themselves with every implement of death they can find and then lure all the zombies to the city morgue to take them out one by one.

Snipit:

Agent Hannigan to Sheriff – (Agent)”Ya know it’s not your fault. We know who is to blame for this. I had to kill a clown, a priest and two elderly people on my way here!” (Janitor)”Damnnnn.” (Agent)”I am not even sure the elderly people were zombies. But, they were moving so slowly towards me, I couldn’t take any chances!”

Rating:

(4-1/2) Prozac’s and some mepradine for: A zombie shelter, balloon animals, a Dracula versus Jack the Ripper trailer, going to school in your bunny jumper, knocking your wife out, putting her in a duffel bag and locking her in the closet for safety, splodin’ choppers, zombie dog, running out of chord for your chainsaw, mini van zombies, a guts wrangler, running away with your chicken, zombie food fight, styrofoam head on a stick, party clown zombie, lego robots, monkey’s with machine guns the band and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS a thorazine gun Nth!

Food:

A few tubs of Hormel compleats Swedish meatballs and some Hillshire Farms smoked sausage (Ya, go meat! Yes, it’s a website), with a few slices of Dick’s Deli white American cheese, a box of the new dulce de leche Girl Scout Cookies (out yesterday), a box of gummi body parts, a bag of oozing eyeball candy, and a bottle of cherry Jolly Rancher soda or whatever makes you foam at the mouth.

Other Memorable Lines:

Deputy to other deputy – (Dan)”You know, it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even feel guilty about drinking on the job anymore!”

Deputy to other deputy – (Dan)”Dude, what’s up with these stamps from the LSD case? They won’t stick to anything.”

Mayor to press – (Mayor)”We all know that flesh eating zombies are imaginary just like unicorns and necrophiliacs so, you might as well say our town is under attack by fleshing eating Democrats!”

Mayor to press – (Mayor)”If we are going to be attacked by anything it should be big silicone breasted women that smother you with their breasts.”

Sheriff to Janitor – (Sheriff)”Dr. Kavorkian has a plan.” (Janitor)”Well, I hope it’s better than his releasing a zombie plague plan.”

Sheriff to Janitor – (Sheriff)”What’s better than a cure?” (Janitor)”An antidote?”

Dr to special needs kids – (Dr.)”Science doesn’t care whether you pee your pants or rub cookies in your hair.”

Wife to deputy – (Wife)”Since when is watching porno’s and drinking beer official police business?”

Mom to institute director – (Mon)”My son’s progress is amazing! He read through crime and punishment yesterday when the day before he couldn’t get through red car blue car.”

Deputy to other deputy – (Rick)”Ya, I got some ninja thrown’ stars!”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Monsturd ruled and this is a sweet follow up. Just could have used a midget. However, they do give you a free copy of the soundtrack with the purchase of the DVD. It’s inside. And, YES! It does include the classic theme song by the Monkey’s with Machine Guns and also has the Monsturd balled on it. So, head out and buy this sucker now while your out picking up Pinocchio on blueray tomorrow (remember Disney gives a regular DVD copy with your blueray purchase) along with Transporter 3, Role Models, Howard the Duck and the remastered Disney Witch Mountain special edition movie pack.

Punk go leepy now…

Nothing says Grammy like cheerleaders, ninjas and George Takei in:

NINJA CHEERLEADERS

That’s right, they fight to cheer another day!

2008 81 minutes rated R? (mine said unrated and I noticed was some brief nudity and sexual content – dancing on stripper poles in lingire – never had to close my eyes) by Peacearch and Shoreline Entertainment – Directed & written by David Presley (Lessons Lost & the Date has spent most of his life as a camera man and electrical grip guy) IMDB

STARRING:

Trishelle Cannatella as Courtney the Leo who likes particle physics, the Boston Philharmonic and the opened palmed nose punch (Hillz, V.I.P. and The Dukes of Hazzard the Beginning) IMDB

Ginny Weirick as April the Ares who likes history, the Killers and the throat groin combination (Devil’s Trade) IMDB

Maitland McConnell as Monica the Scorpio that likes economics, the Strokes and the spinning sidekick (Killer Movie, Detention) IMDB

George Takei [That’s Ta-Kay] as the mystical strip club and dojo owner (Do I really need to list anything? Do I? Okay, hows about Mulan, The Simpsons, Oblivion I & II) IMDB

Michael Pare as the mob boss with a mullet (Rampage, Bloodrayne II, Starhunter) IMDB

Jason Ellis as the over the top strip off MC (Skater, Mixed Martial Arts guy, Wild World of Spike, X-Games host) IMDB

Larry Poindexter as the nosy detective (Blade the Series) IMDB

Natasha Chang as Kinji the wacky assassin (The Metro Sexual) IMDB

Omar J. Dorsey as the rough-n-tuff bouncer (Race to Witch Mountain, School for Scoundrels, Road Trip) IMDB

Michael Fitzgibbon as the undersexed cheerleading coach (Bitch) IMDB

Max Perlich as the whiny Jimmy the snitch (Duces Wild, Burn Notice, Terminator SC) IMDB

Steve Olson as Troy the scared stiff sailor (Absolute Evil, Curse of the Zodiac) IMDB

Lateff Crowder as the muscled up karate guy (Tekken) IMDB

Kennedy Heidel as girl scout #4 (Just mentioned her because her acting career consists of being a girl scout) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Well. You’ve got three down and out Los Lomas Malas community collage cheerleaders from the poor side of town trained as ninjas that have struggled to deal with redneck families, getting straight A’s during the day and stripping at night in order to get accepted to an Ivy League school and get out of a town that they are just plain tired of. And, all seems well until the day of collage finals (cause we all know every test takes place on one day) when their sensei and strip club boss is kidnapped by the mob. Thus, forcing them to go to war to find out why he was kidnapped and save him in addition to being able to ace their tests, cheer at the big game, and try to take 1st place at the all city strip off while being attacked mafia goons and hitmen. Being hunted by dark ninja’s with questionable morals all while dodging the police as they leave a swath of destruction in their wake.

Snipit:

Mob Boss to Sensei – GUN SHOT (Mob Boss)”Owe! God! Ninja’s don’t use guns?” (Sensei)”Ahhh, but I’m old & I forget the rules sometimes.”

Rating:

(3-1/2) Prozac’s and some amatriptyline for: cheer practice, tommy guns, a drunken sailor beat down, a negative nancy, an electrocuted screaming George, a ninja crossbow, getting’ kissed and kicked, a mafia yo-yo, throwing stars, answering your cell phone during a sword fight, assassins’ talking in the third person, a brunette anger issues, a front yard garden hose enema, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS magic sword fighting sparks and Herculoid sound effects Nth!

Food:

A plate of spaghetti and meatballs with a spoonful of sauce and some crispy chicken stripes, a whole mess of candy buttons, a cookie monster cookie, a few cupcakes, a couple of jolly rancher stix (may I recommend the blue raspberry) a box of screaming yello zonkers and a liter or two of 7-up (cause it’s crisp and clean) or whatever makes you all bubbly.

Other Memorable Lines:

Detective to Monica – (Detective)”Ugggh hang on! You sent five guys to the hospital and in the process you got me shot all while you knew where Hiroshi was being held and you you decide to go to a strip off!” (Monica)”Your just bitter cause you got shot.”

Hiroshi to students – (Hiroshi)”Front kick. Begin! Kick higher! Rape is still rape with sore thighs.”

April to Snitch – (April)”Is this what you were going to hurt me with tiny Balls!?”

Mob boss to Hiroshi – (Mob Boss)”Look, I respect you but, you gotta go.” (Hiroshi)”You are the one that will soon be dead.” (Mob Boss)”What are you talking about? Those chicks? Those strippers? They are already dead.” (Hiroshi)”Perhaps.” (Mob Boss)”Hey, have you heard of the dark ninja’s? The ones that were expelled from your country for questionable morals. Well. I hired one to take care of your chicks.” RAPID GUNFIRE INSUES (Hiroshi)”Perhasps you should have hired two.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Verging on a ramped up risqué version of a Disney movie this one is definitely worth searching out for a night of laughs, giggles and hot chicks. And, besides it has magic sword fighting sparks with Herculoid sound effects. If you don’t understand the word Herculoid, use your computer words to look up Herculoids and then watch one on line or on Boomerang. Ahhhh happy fun. Don’t forget Futuramma Wild Green Yonder and The Universe S1 & S2 with The Planets and How the Earth Was Made bundle out on dvd today along with Sex Drive, Breaking Bad S1, Red Green 2001, Dirty Jobs S4, Cities of the Underworld S2 and Akira on Blueray.

Punk go sleepy now…

Because nothing says happy Valentines Day like an ancient Chinese Demon of War and patron saint of the bean curd it’s:



MY NAME IS BRUCE

That’s Right, he’s fearless, unstoppable and ready for his close-up!

It’s, “Kinda like Caligula meets the Appledumpling Gang.”

2008 86 minutes rated R for (Language, Violence, Gore) by Darkhorse Entertainment – Directed by Bruce Campbell (Man With the Screaming Brain, V.I.P., Xena, Hercules) IMDB & written by Mark Verheiden (The new BSG, Smallville, Timecop, The Mask) IMDB

STARRING:

Bruce Campbell as himself the down and out actor with a huge ego and a big heart (Sky High, Escape From L.A., Aqua Teen Hunger Force the Moive, Pitfall 3D, Megas XLR, Video Games, Brisco County Jr., Jake of All Trades, Burn Notice, Congo, McHale’s Navy, Moontrap, Ant Bully, Fargo, The Demolitionist, The Man With the Screaming Brain, Evil Dead I & II, Army of Darkness, Alien Apocalypse, From Dusk Till Dawn II, Spiderman I, II & III, Maniac Cop, and Ellen – all just off of the top of my head) IMDB

Grace Thorsen as Kelly Thorsen the single mother of a mega geek just trying to get by(Sixes & the One Eyed King) IMDB

Taylor Sharpe as Jeff the goth nerd in need of a hero (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time.) IMDB

Ted Rami as Mills Toddner the sleazy super agent (Xne, Hercules, Spiderman I, II & III, The Grudge, Odyssey 5, The Legend of the Seeker, Manic Cop) IMDB

Ted Rami as Wing the wacky Chinese “mystic” (Ya, see above)

Ted Rami as the wacky French town population sign painter (Ya, do it again)

Ben L. McCain as the kindly mayor (Black Scorpion, Lois & Clark, Biodome) IMDB

Ellen Sandweiss as Cheryl the ex-wife and all around angry woman (Evil Dead, Satan’s Playground) IMDB

Mike Campbell as the guy shot in the chest (Port Charles, Major League II, Days) IMDB

Colin Campbell as guy shot in the shoulder (Transylmania, Van Wilder, V.I.P.) IMDB

Timothy Patrick Quill as Frank the gun dealer (Spiderman movies, Evil Dead movies) IMDB

Dan Hicks as the old coot of a dirt farmer (Evil Dead II, Maniac Cop, Darkman, Spiderman movies) IMDB

Logan Martin as Clayton the “cool” kid (Wow & Flutter) IMDB

Ali Akay as little Debbie the Vandelistic goth chick (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

Ariel Badenhop as big Debbie the other goth chick (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When a bunch of punk teenagers out partying at a local graveyard remove a mystical burial seal unleashing Guan Di the ancient Chinese war demon, protector of the dead and patron saint of the bean curd, all hell breaks loose as the demon begins wiping out all of the towns people forcing the only teenage graveyard survivor Jeff to seek out his idol role model, and action star hero Bruce Campbell to help save the town from the demon. But when Bruce refuses to help Jeff is forced to kidnap Bruce leaving Bruce to think that this is all some sort of wacky birthday prank until he comes face to face with the demon at which point he runs away screaming only to have his big heart bring him back when he later hears that Jeff is going to face the Demon alone.

Snipit:

Jeff to Bruce – (Jeff)”Look, I know this is a big imposition for you. So, whatever I can do to make you feel at home, just let me know. Okay?” (Bruce)”First of all kid Mr. Campbell makes soup. My name is Bruce. Secondly, you wanna get on my good side, you’ll dig up a bar of soap and a bottle of Jack and not in that order.”

Rating:

(5) Prozac’s straight up and some Valerian for: standee bait, a drive by egging, mystical lightening, an AMC hornet rumble wagon (At least I think it was ahornet, it could have been an Aspen or just the plain AMC, a car so great it didn’t need a name), the BC 5000, hooch for the pooch, throwing green goo, sending the old wheelchair vet for a ride, a balloon teach, an ancient Chinese whino dance, samurai mine zombie, the chattering monkey, diving to save the limited edition collectible, getting gothed up to fight demons, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS the mystical Brady Bunch tiki seal Nth!

Food:

A bucket of cold Albertson’s hot wings with ranch dressing and bean dip or a heart shaped pizza and an epi-pen, a few little Debbie M80’s a bag of raspberry juju hearts, a box of heart breakers, some despair hearts (cause the candy will last longer than your dysfunctional relationship), a nice IBC sarsaparilla or a bowl of Grape nuts and rum dingers or whatever makes you blackout.

Other Memorable Lines:

Not helping you out here this time. There are so many AWESOME lines that you are just going to have to go out and get this gem to find them on your own.

Well, okay, since it’s kinda a VD review, here’s one:

Jeff to Little Debbie – (Little Debbie)”Let’s break something! BREAK (Jeff)”As long as it’s not my heart. Whaddya say, give me some sugar baby!” (Little Debbie)”Ugh What!” (Jeff)”We can play the hard to get all night but this game’s called eye tag and let’s say I’m it.” (Little Debbie)Spits in Jeff’s face and runs off laughing. (Jeff)”Your loss baby. Your loss…..”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Screw happy VD day! It’s BC day today and at least until the 14th! It’s a Bruce Campbell movie! What more do you want? What more do you need? It’s by him, about him, full of geekdom and, generously pokes Hollywood full of holes. It’s an instant classic! Did I mention I love this movie? There is nothing else coming out today on DVD that deserves your money more than this succulent piece of pressed plastic. Find it, get it, buy it and watch each night as you go to bed. It’s the perfect Valentines gift or evening with or without anyone to sit next to.

Punk go cry himself to sleep again…while watching this movie.

Nothing says Christmas scantily clad women, midgets, monkeys and YES robots in:

POSTAL

That’s Right, it’s gut bustingly offensive & stupid!

2008 102 minutes rated R (Violence, Profanity, Nudity & Drug Use) by Vivendi Entertainment & Pitchblack Pictures – Directed & written by Uwe Boll (Bloodrayne, House of the Dead, Zombie Massacre) IMDB & also written by Bryan Knight (hasn’t written anything else) IMDB

STARRING:

Zack Ward as the down and out dude (Titus, A Christmas Story, Resident Evil Apocalypse, Freddy vs Jason) IMDB

Dave Foley as Uncle Dave the wacky hippie cult leader(SGA, Slacker Cats, Newsradio, Sky High, Kids in the Hall) IMDB

Chris Coppola as Richard the religious zealot (Beowulf, Spawn) IMDB

Jackie Thon as Faith the hot gun tote’n Grind Zero barista (Sopranos, The Nanny) IMDB

J.K. Simmons as presidential candidate Weller (The Closer, Law & Order, Oz, Spiderman, Juno, Burn After Reading) IMDB

Ralf Moeller as office John the foreigner in training (The Scorpion King, Gladiator, Car Pirates, Pathfinder) IMDB

Verne Troyer as himself (The Love Guru, Jack of all Trades, Austin Powers, Shasta McNasty, Mighty Joe Young) IMDB

Larry Thomas as the lactose intolerant Osama Bin Laden (Seinfeld) IMDB

Seymour Cassel as old coot #1 (Batman, Bonanza, The Fugitive, Invaders) IMDB

David Huddleston as old coot #2 (Bonanza, Rio Lobo, Sarge) IMDB

Chris Spencer as Officer Greg the bad cop (The Show, Delta Farce) IMDB

Michael Pare as crazy redneck neighbor (Starhunter, Bloodrayne II, Ninja Cheerleaders) IMDB

Erick Avali as Habib the uptight convenience store owner (The Mummy, Stargate, SG-1, Heroes, B5) IMDB

Brent Mendenhall as the happy go lucky skippity do da George W. (George W.) IMDB

Michael Benyaer as Mohammad the leader of the mini van terrorist cell (Reboot, Robot Chicken, Transformers 2) IMDB

Uwe Boll as himself owner of little Germany (Bloodrayne, Postal) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

After loosing his job, finding his wife cheating on him (with the whole trailer park), being abused by the neighbors, picked on by the townsfolk, stepping in dog do and attending the worst job interviews ever, Dude decides he can’t take it anymore and joins his con artist hippie cult leader Uncle Dave in a scheme to steal the U.S.’s only shipment of the highly coveted toy of the year the crotchy doll in order to resell them at extremely inflated prices to pay off the IRS and become rich. But, when the heist turns into an all out gun battle at the new theme park Little Germany with terrorists trying to use the dolls to spread the bird flu, all hell breaks loose with religious zealots going insane, hippies getting fully armed, trailer parks forming vigilante groups, the President being called in and China declaring war on the U.S. leaving dude wondering if he should try and save the world or just take his new girl out to eat.

Snipit:

Ritchie to zealots – (Ritchie)”But in order to fulfill the prophecy in Dave’s bible, we must wipe out the entire planet!” (Troyer)”If you wrote anything about me in that bible, we are gonna have some serious problems!” (Ritchie)”And you hall know when the day of reckoning begins because on that day a tiny entertainer will be raped by a thousand monkeys! Bring on the monkeys!” (Troyer)”Oh no, not the monkeys!” (Uncle Dave)”All in all this has really not been a pleasant day.”

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and some Singular for: Glutco, being too big to get out of the trailer house, the company fight song, motivational corporate severed heads, pushing your suitcase to town, the dominating your employees seminar, Hell of a day Inn, running a disability panhandeling operation out of your garage, looking for better service numbers during the shooting at the welfare office, DOOM the Denomination of Organic Monotheism, a government worker drive by, tossing midgets, a 1,000 screaming monkeys, a robot, the invisible gun, the action figure battle plan and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS using the kitty as a silencer! Nth!

Food:

A few big breakfasts with hash browns, syrup and an undercooked egg McMuffin, a box of frosted flakes, some cotton candy, a box of pop tarts, a few jelly canes, more Lisa’s passion for popcorn Christmas corn and a white chocolate Co Co cone add milk if you like or whatever gets you through till the batteries are dead.

Other Memorable Lines:

Executive assistant to Dude – “If you were in a box, how would you think outside of it?”

Candiate Weller – “George W. Bush is a sham. He is an actor and that’s not even his real name!”

Uncle Dave to Dude – (Dude)”I just play by the rules now.” (Dave)”Look man nobody plays by the rules. You bend them or you break them. Anything else is just a slow death.” (Dude)”Ya, that’s what it feels like.”

Uncle Dave to Ritchie – “That’s a beautifully retarded sentiment Ritchie.”

Officer Greg to Harry (the invalid) – “Say will work for food in German.” (Harry)”ughhhhhhhh.”

Government Worker Drive by – (Dude)”Hey! It’s the moo cow from the welfare office. Sorry were closed bitch!” (Car 1) Wham, (Car 2) Wham, (Car 3) Wham! (Police)”What was that? Oh, I thought we had a flat but we just ran over some girl. Whew. Thank God. Got a body on Maple. Please repeat that unit 201. Maple! Like the syrup.

Final Stupor of Thought:

This is a gut chuckler that makes fun of everyone and everything going on in the world right now. So, if you can handle all of the stuff that is in bad taste and just laugh at the society around us, this is enjoyable and was even better the second time I saw it. Why not five prozacs you ask? Well, it had some slow parts and really didn’t make a lot of continuity sense in order to get all of the jokes in. So, just enjoy it for what it is. Otherwise go buy Deathrace or Doctor Horrible’s sing along blog out on DVD tomorrow cause you know damn well nobody is going to be buying you those for Christmas.

Punk go merrily cry himself to sleep now and to all a good night. Out!

Nothing says stocking stuffer like Tae Kwan Do lessons in:



THE FOOT FIST WAY

That’s Right, it’s the story of a man who teaches people how to kick other people in the face!

2008 82 minutes rated R (Sex, Violence, Profanity, & Drug Use) by Viacom & Mtv Entertainment – Directed & written by Jody Hill (East Bound & Down) IMDB & also written by Ben Best (East Bound & Down) IMDB

STARRING:

Danny R. McBride as Fred Simmons Master of the Mall Dojo (Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder, Drillbit Taylor, Superbad, Land of the Lost, Hot Rod) IMDB

Ben Best as Chuck the Truck Taylor the Kung Fu Movie star and drug addict (Superbad) That’s right, he’s the main writer. IMDB

Jody Hill as Mike the crazy black belt and goth band guy (Superbad) Ya, he’s the director. IMDB

Mary Jane Bostic as Suzi Simmons the dumb blonde of a wife (Note To Self) IMDB

Carlos Lopez as Henry the shy karate kid (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Spencer Moreno as Julio Chavez the chubby little black belt (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Colette Wolfe as Denise the hot student (Semi Pro) IMDB

Ken Aguilar as Rickster third in command (The Jail House) IMDB

Tyler Baum as Armand the beatnik (Assy McGee) IMDB

Sean Baxter as Roy Powers the master instructor (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Bruce Cameron as Bruce the guy with anger issues (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Libertad Green as the drunk model (Psychic Witness) IMDB

Deborah Loates as Marge the beating student (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Juan Carlos Guzman as Carlos the other student (Eyeborgs) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Egotistical and slightly inept Fred Simmons is a master of his domain and shopping mall dojo thinking himself the ultimate neighborhood sensei until he finds out his wife has been cheating on him with one of students fathers forcing him to take up stalking and hitting on his female students only to realize he is loosing control so, he sets out on a journey to a karate convention to track down his idol for advice. Only to bring his idol into town to test his students and find him sleeping with his wife culminating in a backyard throw down and student belt advancement beat down where he just may find out what is really important in life.

Snipit:

Fred to gang – (Fred)”How much longer? Hurry up! I mean when I told you all to take pees before we left, I was serious about that! You don’t see me out here acting like some kind of animal. I am missing valuable expo time right now! They probably already sold all of the good throwing stars! ”

Rating:

(2-1/2) Prozac’s and some Mupirocin for: The master of the demo, playing mental games with your students and prospective clients, a whole mess of broken boards and concrete, flame shirts, beatin’ the mannequin, a Zema sighting, ninja’s, the Bamma Slamma convention, waking up in a roadway island with your bottle, loosing valuable expo time, kicking the crap out of beatniks, beating up the band and YESSSSSSSSSSS! Taking your students stalking nth!

Food:

A few thin crust meat lovers pizzas, add your own Christmas spam, a box of hot light crispy crèmes, a life saver story book, some Lisa’s passion for popcorn Christmas corn, a few raspberry stixs, a box of reindeer nuggets and a few Stewart’s crème ales or some wine with a Zema chaser (a whzma) or a crate of chocolate liquors and vodka chocolate drops if ya just happen to have some lying around. That’s right, there all the gift that keeps on giving.

Other Memorable Lines:

Julio to Fred – (Julio)”Who do you think would win a fight between Bruce Lee and Chuck the Truck Turner?” (Fred)”What! Are you kidding! The Truck easy. He’s the eight year undefeated kick boxing champion! Can Bruce Lee say that? No, Bruce Lee is dead!”

Fred to Denise – (Fred)”Jujitsu sucks. What you want is Taw Kwan Do. It’s got everything. Mental. Physical.” (Denise)”That’s good I am into Yoga and love meditation.” (Fred)”Meditation is good and all but, I’ve never heard of it saving anyone from a gang rape situation. Meditate on that!”

Fred to Suzi – (Fred)” I think someone who doesn’t have a degree should just hold to what they know. Which in your case is what? Dental, dentistery?” (Suzi)”Dentistry!” (Fred)”Dentistry? Whatever. I can’t even believe that’s something that’s real.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, this was an okay chuckle to get you in the smiling mood for the season. A little slow kind of like a bunch of Saturday Night Live segments strung together. But, it did have it’s belly laugh moments. So, check it out if you need to unwind from say a shopping trip where you had to dodge and fight three or four hundred selfish wackos. Otherwise grab the Batman out on DVD today in addition to Horton Hears a Who and Lost Season Four. Or, just wait for the weekend and the new heat miser & snow miser Christmas special. Sweeeeeeeeeet nth!

Punk go cry himself to sleep now.

Hey, nothing says happy turkey day like:

POULTRYGEIST (Night of the Chicken Dead)

That’s Right, it’s a musical!

2006 103 minutes rated R (Sex, Nudity, Violence, Gore, Profanity, Alcohol) by Troma Entertainment – Directed Lloyd Kaufman (Toxie, Sgt. Kabukiman, Hellbillys 58, Devil’s Fork, Make Your Own Damn Movie, Tromeo & Juliet) IMDB & written by Daniel Bova (Nothing anyone else currently knows of or cares about) IMDB, & Gabriel Friedman (Toxie, Make Your Own Dams Movie) IMDB

STARRING:

Jason Yachanin as Arbie the dim witted counter clerk (Kid Fitness) IMDB

Kate Graham as Wendy the lesbian activist (The Invisible Man) IMDB

Allyson Sereboff as Micki the militant vegetarian (Frat House Massacre, Stranger in the Park, Evil Deeds) IMDB

Robin Watkins as General Lee Ray the chicken king (Splatter Disco, The Vampires of Zanzibar, Pretty Dead Things) IMDB

Joshua Olatunde as Denny the lucky franchisee (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Caleb Emerson as Carl Jr. the redneck fry cook (Splatter Disco, Toxie) IMDB

Rose Ghavami as Humus the other fry cook (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Khalid Rivera as Paco Bell the store manager & revolutionist (D4) IMDB

Joe Fleishaker as Jared the weight loss guy (Tales From the Crapper) IMDB

Ron Jeremy as crazy Ron (FILF, Not the Brady’s, Trade In) IMDB

Debbie Rochon as the famous actress hit in the head by a beer (Devil’s Fork, Satan Hates You, Bikini Bloodbath Car Wash, Bikini Bloodbath Christmas) IMDB

Lloyd Kaufman as future Arbie (Hey, he’s Mr. Troma) IMDB

Faith Sheehan as the little lost girl (Nothing anyone knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Tessa Lew as the concerned chain smoking mother (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Brian Cheverie as the wacky Father O’houlihan (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When mega corporation ABC (American Bunker Chicken) moves in to Tromaville and builds their next fast food chicken restaurant on the Tromahawk Native American burial grounds, all seems well with a guerrilla marketing plan in place to deal with any protestors but when the displaced Native American spirits unite with the ghosts of the exterminated chickens to possess the food being made people start becoming addicted to the food and start laying evil eggs or turning into feathered zombies who begin attacking the protestors, customers and towns folk leaving the fate of the town with a dim witted counter boy, his lesbian ex-girlfriend and a burqa wearing fry cook who have been trapped inside the fast food joint with what just may prove to be a means to exploit the demons only weakness and banish the spirits forever. That’s right a keg of alcohol!

Snipit:

Kate, Arbie & Micki starring down certain death – (Arbie)”They are very slowly approaching the entrance! We need to figure out a way to keep them out!” (Micki)”But how? This place is fifty percent glass. They’ll break through faster than the five minutes it took me to turn Kate into a full blown lesbian!” (Arbie)”Damn it! We need action before they turn the glass into lesbians!”

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and some albuterol for: Running away with mommy’s head, storytime, biting the heads off of humans, death by jockstrap, chief what’s his name, a nugget swarm, a gallon of trolesteral, getting the mop, a few jugs of meat steroids, ninja in burqa, CLAM (collage Lesbians against mega corporations), Mohawk zombie, zombie in a wheelchair, the make a wishbone human, “what’s that in his hand? An axe? No in his other hand”, choking chickens, the sorry wide close-up, free ketchup and mustard, projectile vomiting, explosive diarrhea, losing your soccer leg, chicken bump flavor pods and YESSSSSSSSSSS the talking sloppy Joe, no, wait that’s Jose!

Food:

A giant plate of skin, mashers and homemade gravy with a side of Grandma’s jello and package of bake-n-serve, some chocolate corn, a groovy pumpkin pop, a few cupcakes and a sixer of Jones turkey & gravy soda if ya gots some in storage or, just grab a fu fu berry or whatever gets you a seat at the kids table.

Other Memorable Lines:

Arbie to ex-girlfriend – “At least with a demon chicken you know where you stand.”

Arbie to Sandwich – “Hey, I’ll believe in the supernatural when I see it talking sandwich.”

Arbie & Kate to sandwich – “He’s a hero! No, he’s a sub!”

Kate – “Whaaat haaappened!”

Arbie to Arbie – “Did you hear that screaming, grinding homosexual Mexican dying a terrible death sound?

Arbie to militant vegetarians – “East my meat you Vegan whores!”

Denny to Humas – “Hey ninja in a burqa! I’m watching you! Like CNN!”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Three words, wow, woW & WOW. This you just gotta see to believe. Lloyd was definitely pushing the envelope on this one with no holds barred and no punches pulled. Bordering on perverse, twisted and downright disgusting as he hit on every current political issue, race, color and creed mixed bad but sometimes classic music and dancing. For every time I went, no, no way, that’s not right or, you’ve got to be kidding me, and or the times I wanted to puke, there was a time where I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. So check it out, kick the tires and give it a whirl. Especially if you like Lloyd and Troma. Otherwise grab a turkey wing and a copy of Hancock, Space Chimps, or Superman Vs Doomsday all out of dvd today.

Punk go cry himself to sleep now.

Well, because some train wrecks you just have to see, it’s:



DEATH RACERS

That’s Right, it’s not about the speed, it’s about the blood!

2008 85 minutes rated R (Language, Extreme Violence, Nudity, Sexuality & Rape) by Asylum Entertainment – Directed and written by Roy Knyrim (Cemetery Gates, Demons At The Door) IMDB & also written by Andrew Helm (Flash Gordon, Gemini Division, Monk, Mutant X) IMDB

STARRING:

Shaggy 2 Dope as himself (ICP, WWE) IMDB

Violent J as himself (ICP WWE) IMDB

Stephen Blackheart as ace anchorman Harvey Winkler (General Hospital, Passions, Tromeo & Juliet) IMDB

Jennifer Keith as Double Dee Struction the #1 fem fatale (Mirage, Fine Art Treasures) IMDB

Therese as Queen Bee the #2 fem Fatale (You have as much info as I do)

Scott Levy as Reaper ruler of the prison (Raven, WWE, TNA, WCW, WWF, ECW) IMDB

Jason Ellefson as Fred the Hammer the gang leader (Sex Chronicles, Street Racer) IMDB

Damien Puckler as Metal Machine Man (30,000 Leagues Under The Sea, Journey To The Center Of The Earth) IMDB

Dean Kreyling as Dr. Shankenstien the prison doctor (100 Million BC, Movin’ in) IMDB

Robert Pike Daniel as Governor Regan Black (Street Racer, Freakshow) IMDB

Paolo Carascon as Colonel Bob the homeland security thug (Vapis Models Must Die) IMDB

Krystle Connor as Candy Moore the sports anchor (Sunday School Musical) IMDB

Elissa Dowling as Daisy the jail lackey (Mummy Maniac) IMDB

Caroline Attwood as Jennifer the on the spot reporter (Greek, The Bold & The Beautiful) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

In a post apoctolyptic future where half of the state of California has been turned into a prison, the ruler of the prison has devised a way to contaminate the state’s water supply from within the prison forcing the governor to make a deal with four groups of the nation’s most dangerous criminals (you know since the troops are away fighting France) offering them a race against each other into the prison to capture or kill the prison’s leader before his plan goes into effect with the winner being granted immunity & freedom. That is assuming that they can get there in time and not take each other out in the process.

Snipit:

Harvey Winkler & Candy Moore – (Harvey)”The race is on and boy is it intense. The point totals continue to rise as our racers race through the red zone and toward the reaper. And, here with the point totals in the lovely Candy Moore.” (Candy)”Thanks Harvey, let’s look at the scoreboard. ICP is barely holding the lead dismembering more criminals than any other team combined. While Vagina-might comes in a close second showing criminals the true meaning of ramming speed. Homeland security comes in third with Fred the Hammer not far behind. Remember only the deadliest team will win their freedom with a total of 1,000 points.” (Harvey)”Stay tuned race fans we are just getting started.”

Rating:

(1) Prozac and some Epinephrine for: A giant windows warning, a 2x4 with nails in it, getting wrenched, hiding behind a board, clown house effects, cleaning your teeth with an axe, splodin’ heads, the worst gag reel ever, asking for the skimatcis, playing the same music over and over and over and Ohhhhh boy getting date raped by a microwave.

Food:

A whole mess of cheese and crackers with some salami mixed in, a box of Hostess raspberry jelly donuts, a few bags of pizzarias chips, a jumbo bag of smarties (you’ll need them after watching this), and a mondo chillin cherry fruit squeezer or two or whatever makes your brain start functioning again.

Other Memorable Lines:

Shaggy 2 Dope – ”Every Party needs a clown.”

Shaggy 2 Dope – “Kill that man with the camera.”

Governor to teams – “You all know where to go and for those that don’t we have installed gps in your vehicles.”

Teams to each other – (Queen Bee)”Hey where did the come kid come from? He’s kinda cute.” (Shaggy 2 Dope)”He knows his way around this hell hole.” (Fred the Hammer)”Hey that ain’t fair. You got a third person. That’s like telling a Mexican he can’t have rice and beans for dinner. I want a wing man! (Shaggy 2 Dope)”Well he says there’s and ambush waiting up ahead for us.” (Fred The Hammer)”Hey, how can we trust this pasty gringo anyways. He’s from the Redzone right?” (Shaggy 2 Dope)”Go ahead drive right on into that garage and served with some service.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

MAN! Not another one. Maybe the juggaloo’s got this movie but I sure as hell didn’t and I want my hour and a half back. I think I am actually dumber for having seen this movie. But, I can at least say that I have seen it and, that I would be more than happy to tell any other people trying to make a homemade movie what not to do. Just go out and lay down a deposit on Wall-E and The Dark Knight while you are out picking up Hellboy II, Kung Fu Panda and Clone Wars in addition to any of the new Disney Treasures out on DVD today.

Punk go sleepy now.

Because there’s a sucker born every minute its:



WRESTLEMANIAC

That’s Right, let the face off begin!

2006 75 minutes Not rated (Language, Gore, Violence, Nudity, Blood & Drug Use) by Anchorbay and Lightening Entertainment – Directed and written by Jesse Baget (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

STARRING:

Adam Huss as Mr. Joe cool Alfonse (Bold & Beautiful) IMDB

Jeremy Radin as Fats (Steve) the camera nerd (Cupid’s Arrow, Bar Starz) IMDB

Leyla Milani as Dallas the skank (Deal or No Deal, WWE, WWF, Dr, Chopper) IMDB

Margaret Scarborough as Debbie the party animal (The Parallel, Sunset Beach) IMDB

Catherine Wreford as Daisy the drunk (The Butcher, The Metrosexual) IMDB

Zack Bennett as Jimbo the stoner (Frozen Kiss, The Utopian) IMDB

Irwin Keyes as the Mexican stranger (Warriors, Oblivion, Flintstone Movies) IMDB

Rey Misterio as El Mascarado the government olympic experiment gone wrong (NWA) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When a van full of hot girls, drunks and stoners decide to grab their home video camera and go to Mexico to film a porno, all seems well but when a wrong turn and a need for gas leads them into the middle of nowhere despite warnings from local roadside crazies, they end up broke down in the legendary town of La Sangre De Dios where the government has banished the deranged luchador El Mascarado. So, with night closing in and the clothes coming off the ultimate death match is about to be unleashed unless one of the hapless hippies can step up and remove the killer wrestlers mask before he removes their faces and adds them to his colletion.

Snipit:

Alfonse to Fats – (Alfonse)”I can’t see the van from here man! Hey, Fats, wahddya say we start heading towards the van man. Huh.” (Fats)”We are. We doubled back on the main road. We are heading toward the main entrance of town.” (Alfonse)”Ugh excuse me sweaty Fats, you just know your way around this fn’ hell hole?” (Fats)”Dungeons & Dragons man. We need a level fourteen warrior right here. I made it through Gauntlet’s maze of death in under six hours.

Rating:

(2) Prozac’s and some Medrol for: a command center, the Voorhees building,. Getting your shirt wet and then loosing your pants, going top rope, contortionist hiding brought to you by the letter “M”, the fast walking escape, getting keyed, Mariachi fight music, the porno mystery machine van, and YYYEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS El Mascarado in the kitchen with the lead pipe!

Food:

Two tacos, a burrito and a soda pop because the sign said it’s delicious, a box of chick-o-stix, some smarties & sixlets, gummy boo boos (candy scars), eyeball cupcakes & cookies, a giant candy corn lollipop and a sixer of candy corn soda or whatever makes you not hear the door bell or anyone sneaking up behind you.

Other Memorable Lines:

Fats to all – (Fats)”The thing about Mexican legends is that sometimes they are true!”

Fats to Alfonse – (Fats)”Were lost.” (Alfonse)”No were not. I got it.” (Fats)”You couldn’t find your way to a taco stand!”

Fats to Debbie – (Fats)”So, we need to take his mask off.” (Debbie)”What!” (Fats)”His mask, we need to take his mask off so that he will leave in humiliation.” (Debbie)”Take the mask off of that monster! How do you propose we do that!” (Fats)”I don’t’ know.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Holy crap I got suckered. Just pretend this doesn’t exist. No phone books, no chairs. It’s just missing like almost everything. You can always have my copy and use it to knock yourself out so that you don’t have to answer the doorbell on Friday. Otherwise, go out and buy MST 3000 the 20^th anniversary edition and Zombie strippers. Hell you might even grab Tinkerbell the movie or the complete Samford & Son or Abbot & Costello over this. Otherwise, if you want Punk’s all hallo’s eve viewing list, here it is: (25 covering the gambit of continually disturbing/scary to continually entertaining – Not meant nor to be taken as a top 25 scariest list)

The Vanishing

Seven

The Prince of Darkness

High Tension

The Thing

White Noise

Poltergeist

The Changeling

Jeepers Creepers

Saw

The Frighteners

Monster House

Silent Hill

Pans Labyrinth

Constantine

Slither

Bubba Ho-Tep

Uncle Sam I Want You Dead

Killer Klowns From Outer Space

Jack Brooks Monster Slayer

Monsterd

Jack Frost the mutant Killer Snowman

Jack Frost II

Evil Dead Movies

Mad Monster Party

& If you haven’t seen them: Malice, Alien, The Exorcist, Nightmare On Elm Street, Halloween, The Shining, Silence of the Lambs, Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Carrie, Rosemary’s Baby, Eraserhead, The Ring, 28 Days Later, Jaws, Jacobs Ladder, Salem’s Lot, The Wickerman, The Blob, The Brood, Amityville Horror, Pet Cemetery, Hellraiser, Phantasmagoria, Hostel, Stir of Echoes, Frailty, A Simple Plan, Dreamscape, & Some Voodoo movie from the 90’s that escapes me right now. All good if you haven’t seen them before. They just don’t hold up twice. I mean once you have seen Alien and you know what’s coming, I mean Come on!

Punk go sleepy now.

Because I had to have somebody bring it to me and I am pretty sure it was real, it’s



JACK BROOKS MONSTER SLAYER

That’s Right, all work and no rage makes Jack a dull boy.

2008 85 minutes Rated R (Language, Gore, Violence & Blood) by Anchorbay and Brookstreet Entertainment – Directed and written by Jon Knautz (Still Life, Teen Massacre) IMDB

And also written by John Ainslie (Noting else anyone knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

STARRING:

Trevor Matthews as Jack the down & out plumber on the edge (Still Life, Teen Massacre) IMDB

Robert Englund as mild mannered night teacher Professor Crowley (Freddy Kruger, V2, B5, Married With Children, Zombie Strippers) IMDB

Rachel Skarsten as Eve the high strung girlfriend (Birds Of Prey, Little Men, American Pie Beta House) IMDB

James A Woods as the laid back hippie (The Business, Naked Josh, Cyber Seduction) IMDB

Daniel Kash as Dr. Silverstein the head nodding psychiatrist (Dresden Files, Puppets Who Kill, Lucky Number Slevin) IMDB

Ariel Waller as the little sister Cindy (Life With Derek, Cinderella Man) IMDB

Victoria Fodor as the Mom (Lucky Number Slevin) IMDB

John Ross as the Dad (Snowboard Academy, Is A Famous Stuntman) IMDB

David Fox as the crazy old one handed plumbing supplier (Puppets Who Kill, 2001 A Space Travesty) IMDB

Ashly Bryant as Kristy the class hottie (Nothing else anyone else knows of or cares about at this time)IMDB

Stefanie Drummond as the other class hottie (Mean Girls) IMDB

Meghanne Kessels as Suzy the screamer (Posers, Naked Josh) IMDB

Meg Charette as Celia the book nerd (Nothing else anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Krystan Butcher as some girl in the movie (Nothing else anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

Andrew Butcher as Raymond the drumstick boy (Ice Princess) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

Ever since Jack Brooks witnessed the brutal murder of his family by a monster on a camping trip as a young boy, he’s been a little on edge ever since with a severe rage problem that takes over every time he gets annoyed but he has managed to become a plumber, seek out professional counseling, fins a girlfriend and even start taking night classes at the local high school. But, when a plumbing accident releases a demon that posses his night teacher and threatens his classmates, Jack decides he is not going to just run away like he did as a kid forcing him to kick his girlfriend out of the van, don his plumbing belt, grab a pipe and an axe and go back to save his classmates by letting the rage flow and start a new career as the world’s best monster hunter.

Snipit:

Howard to Jack – (Howard)”I did what I had to do. I dragged him out to the backyard. Dug a hole six feet deep. Tossed the body in a big ‘ol crate and I locked it up tight. I buried him but, I’ll tell you this, as I closed up that big ‘ol crate I could hear the heart. It was still beating!” (Jack)”So, he ate your hand?” (Howard shows him his hook for a hand) (Jack)”How did you dig the hole?” (Howard)”Well, gawd damn-it, it wasn’t easy!”

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and Bactroban for: Sinatra fight music, making your own slurpee, a tentacle attack, a possible Ohio grassman sighting, counting to three and then killing the toaster, getting your goat, a karaoke accident, keeping your food in your pocket, making out with the bloody hero, zombies, demons, a rubber jungle cyclops, a real heart attack, a sewage beatin’, laryngitis screaming, Jabba the laughing head sucking demon, and YESSSSSSSSSS the uncontrollable fit of rage after being forced to drop your order of egg rolls!

Food:

A few Target mini bagel sandwiches with honey mustard and a box or two of buffalo anytizers with ranch dressing, a bag of Twerps, a box of s’mores pop tarts, a bag of glass candy and a nice cold Jones Black Cherry soda or whatever makes you see red.

Other Memorable Lines:

Jack to Eve sarcastically after beating up the hippie – (Jack)”I’ sorry, did I hurt your girlfriend?”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Sweet! A nice gentle classic to add to my B movie favorites like Jack Frost, Uncle Sam and Monstered. If they make a sequel I am all over it. Then why not five you ask? Well when you compare it to the ones above and then take into account to midgets, monkey’s robots, penguins, pandas, pirates, clowns or kittys so, I just could bring myself to give it four. So, hit a redbox near you and pick it up while your out getting the new Indiana Jones, Silverhawks S1V1 and the Universe S2.

Punk go sleepy now.

Because it was there and I am pretty sure it was speaking to me:

KNOCK KNOCK

That’s Right, answering the door will never be the same again.

2006 90 minutes Rated R (Language, Gore, Nudity, Violence & Blood) by Lionsgate & Ariola Productions – Directed and written by Joseph Ariola (Cannon Boot Camp & Coalition) IMDB
 

STARRING:

Kim Taggart as the ruff-n-tuff small town detective hottie Billy Vega (Coalition) IMDB

Antonio Mastrantonio as the wisend old detective (Happy Ending) IMDB

Joli Julianna as Nikki the hottie in trouble (Gardner of Eden) IMDB

Sal Sirchia as the crazy flashback hippie janitor (Hoe To Grow A Fig Tree) IMDB

Ernest Mingione as Chief Barrett (Third Watch) IMDB

Suzi Lorriane as Diane Lee (Bikini Girls on Ice, Busty Cops, Skits-O-Phernia) IMDB

Ilene Kristen as the flirty Librarian cougar (One Life To Live, Ryan’s Hope, Desperately Seeking Suzan) IMDB

Stephine Finochio as big bruiser bar owner (WWE Trinity) IMDB

Matt Fraley as Kurt the comedic jock (Indelible) IMDB

Jim Ford as Billy the Ultra jock (Kung Fu Granny) IMDB

Misty Meeler as Cindy the other hottie in trouble (Masters of Horror) IMDB

Matt Lish as Uggi the dumb jock (Brutal Massacre the comedy) IMDB

Chris Bashinelli as Tommy the hippie jock (All Screwed Up) IMDB

Kat Casteneda as the other other hottie in trouble (The Crate) IMDB

Anthony Palidino as the under enthused sheriff (The Ninja Always Rings Once) IMDB

Jehu Bernard as the skater (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time)

Lou Saverese as Rico old Mr. Newspaper face himself (Merry F#%$’in Christmas) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

In the small town of Glass County (ya that makes sense) everyone is excited about the start of the new season of Glass Tiger football but when people start answering knocks on doors to fins nobody there, the whole town is put on edge and then into sheer panic when people start turning up dead ice picked to doors and members of the football team and their girlfriends are found dead at their father’s places of business leaving one old curmudgeon of a retired detective to believe that everything is connected if he can just get the local authorities to listen to his theory and check out the crazy hippie flashback school janitor before it’s too late for the town and his granddaughter.

Snipit:

Vega to police Chief – (Vega)”Whaddya got?” (Chief)”His name is Rick Cohen. Sixteen. Decapitated. Every limb cut off. I have never seen anything like it. Not even in the movies.”

Rating:

(2-1/2) Prozac’s and a few acidophilus for: getting mopped, hippie metal, falling to pieces on the skate ramp, fox hole in the basement, getting the dental chair, handy dandy hacksaw, old newspaper face, the knock knock chalk board, a suitcase full o dolls, the knock knock head, rock’em sock’em high school year book kids, and YESSSSSSSSSS the mysterious Mexican jumping hats! (that’s a full prozac right there!)

Food:

A couple of backyard barbeque miracle whip burgers with criss cut fries, a bag of tiger’s blood, rainbow and jellybean popcorn (Lisa’s Passion for Popcorn in Kaysville rules!), a few rainblow’s, a bag cherry twizzlers, and a giant tiger’s blood Frazil!

Other Memorable Lines:

There were? Oh ya this one…

Curmudgeon to Vega – (Curmudgeon)”Hey why don’t you act nice and be a little more seductive.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

This movie blows. It was painful. If you want’s the gore and blood, it’s got that in spades but other than that and the mysterious jumping Mexican hats, it’s a yawner. So, go get Ironman or any of the other super heroes out on DVD and BlueRay today. Hey there’s even Banacheck the full series, My Three Sons S1, Voltron S6, and yes, Starlost the complete series.

Punk bang (No band this time) head on door till sleep takes me.

Well, because Atropos requested it and nothing says Sci-Fi & Comic Book Convention Season like:

Bug Buster

That’s Right, Some Things Never Die!

1998 93 minutes Rated R (Language & Gore) by DMG Entertainment – Directed by Lorenzo Doumani (Knock, The Misery Brothers) IMDB and written by Malick Khoury (Nothing anyone else knows of or cares about at this time) IMDB

STARRING:

Katherine Heigl as Shannon the big city hottie (Roswell, Grey’s Anatomy, Under Siege II, Knocked Up, Romey & Michelle TV Series) IMDB

Brenda Doumani as Dr. Casey the town doctor and Vet (Passions, Misery Brothers) IMDB

James Doohan as Sheriff Carlson the man with a plan (Jason Of Star Command, Tarzan & the Super Seven, Star Trek) IMDB

George Takei as Dr. Hiro Fugimoto the wacky biologist (Heroes, Ninja Cheerleaders, Oblivion I & II, Star Trek, Johnny Quest, Chico & The Man, Ba Ba Black Sheep) IMDB

Meredith Salenger as Veronica the small town boy toy (The Work & The Glory, The Adventures of Natty Gann, Lake Placid, Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!) IMDB

Randy Quaid as General George the worlds best exterminator (Kingpin, Vacation, Christmas Vacation, SNL, Independence Day, The Adventures of Pluto Nash) IMDB

Bernie Kopell as the levelheaded dad (The Love Boat, Get Smart, The Creature of the Sunnyside Up Trailer Park) IMDB

Anne Lockhart as the emotional mom (BSG, Troll & all sorts of sitcoms) IMDB

Downtown Julie Brown as Katie Cunning the on the spot news reporter (Club MTV) IMDB

Dennis Fimple as Jedediah the town drunk and predictor of doom (The Apple Dumpling Gang, BSG, Brisco County Junior, & all sorts of shows as the crazy old guy) IMDB

Doug Jones as the mother bug (Hellboy I & II, Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer, Monkeybone, Jack Frost II Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman) IMDB

Ty O’Neil as deputy Bo the local yokel (Mighty Ducks II & III) IMDB

David Lipper as Steve the gas station Hunk (Dante’s Peak, The Pacifier, Fullhouse) IMDB

Johnny Legend as a Trailer Park Trash band member (Wow) IMDB

Melba Toast as a Trailer Park Trash band member (Wow) IMDB

Hollywood Heard as crop dusting pesticide master (Junkyard Dog, Black Friday) IMDB

Charles Glenn as the governor (Philadelphia) IMDB

Cliff Emmich as Buck the vet & gas station owner (Mouse Hunt, Treehouse Hostage) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When Shannon’s dad gets laid off, he uses his savings to by a quiet little lodge in Mountinview Nowhere so they can leave the pressures of city life behind and they do seem a distant memory until a local girl is attacked by a strange creature in the lake and then towns folk start turning up dead all over the place covered in bugs bringing Shannon’s worst nightmares to fruition as the town is quarantined, and the Sheriff’s department calls in the world’s most renowned exterminator to help only to uncover a plot to destroy the whole town resulting in an underground battle to the death in an abandoned mine shaft with a corrupt city official and the mother of all bugs.

Snipit:

Governor addressing the press – (Governor)”As governor of this great state, I am sometimes forced to make difficult choices for which there are no clear cut solutions. Given the crisis we are now facing with the rapid multiplication of the med fly, I am herby ordering the spraying of the chemical pesticide fiathion in order to save our crops.” (Dr. Fugimoto)”Governor, I am Dr. Hiro Fugimoto of the animal research institute and I must respectfully point out that my studies have shown fiathion to not only be potentially dangerous with respect to animals that it may come in contact with but to certain types of insects as well. I have reason to believe that the chemical can lead to abnormal & hyper accelerated growth rates & even potential mutations.” (Governor)”Dr. Fugimoto, while I am completely familiar with the possible dangers of spraying with fiathion, the risks of not spraying are far greater. We could loose our entire food crop from one end of the state to the other putting thousands of workers out of a job. Now I ask you doctor, what could possible be worse than that?” (Dr. Fugimoto)”You have no idea!”

Rating:

(4) Prozac’s and a few nitro pills for: puppet strings, a flaming vampire bat, the curling iron defense, the handy dandy shop vac, computer insect battle simulations, a killer scar fish (ya know if you add an “e” to scare you get scare), death by toilet, the handy dandy giant water filled yet empty fish tank, Trailer Park Trash the band, crop dustin’ for justice, the handy dandy field horse with saddle and all, continuous night rain, fist fightin’ bugs, roping bugs for justice, a mother bug, channel FU2 news, and well, why not vacuuming bugs off of your date!

Food:

A nice three cheese Skool Lunch grilled cheese sandwich with a bag of ring-a-noodle soup (add water if ya like), a box of Ranch Munch em’s if ya have them in your food storage, a bottle of bug city candy, a few gummi lightening worms or your favorite fear factor candy, a bag of pop rocks mixed with some Act II kettle corn popcorn and a gallon of choco milk or whatever you have lying around that’s bigger than your head.

Other Memorable Lines:

A whole slew of Randy Quaid General George the exterminator of Satan’s minions TV ads.

Veronica to Steve – (Veronica)”My skin is all funny. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think I need to see a cosmetologist.”

For you to find – “Imagination & Booze. There ain’t much else.” “That guy scares the bodily wastes out of me” “You think I am going to be broke my whole life is some hick town pushing seventy and can’t even afford new dentures!”

Shannon to Steve – (Shannon)”Have you lived here most of your life?” (Steve)”Most of the part that I can really remember. My mom was rapped when she was a kid and died a few weeks later.”

Veronica to Steve – (Veronica)”I saved you!” (Steve)”From what?” (Veronica)”Mono, herpes and maybe even aids. I don’t get you. I practically save your life and your upset with. (Steve)”What are you talking about?” (Veronica)”I mean how do you know she isn’t like a total slut or something?”

Veronica to Steve – (Veronica)”I’d do anything for you. I cook, I clean, I make love real good. What else is there?”

Dr. Casey to Dr. Fugimoto – (Dr Casey)”Hi this is Lori Casey I was one of your graduate students.” (Dr. Fugimoto)”Oh yes pretty blond, long legs, nice chest cavity he he. I remember you very nicely. Tell me Lacey what can I do for you?” (Dr. Casey)”No, no it’s Lori Casey oh, never mind.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Oh this is a buyable gem that I am adding to the collection. The beginning really suck you in and it has it’s moments throughout but, it does slow down and there are no monkeys hence the 4 instead of 5. So, go pick it up when you go out to get your hands on Chuck Season 1, Duckman seasons 1 & 2, or just wait for the School House Rocks Election Collection so you can go to Mountain Con IV this weekend in Layton at the center behind the Toys R Us to keep the dream alive and represent!

Punk band head on door till sleep comes now.

Nothing Says don’t mess with me or my action figures like:

 
DANGEROUS WORRY DOLLS!

That’s Right, Evil can be extra small.

2008 80 minutes Not Rated (Language, drug use & nudity) Full Moon Features & Wizard Entertainment – Directed by Charles Band (Evil Bong, Doll Graveyard, Head of the Family, Dollman, Demonic Toys) IMDB and written by August White (Evil Bong, Ginger Dead Man, Doll Graveyard) IMDB

STARRING:

Jessica Morris as Eva the hottie with few options (Sorority Forever, Decadent Evil)IMDB

Deb Snyder as Mrs. Ivar the all around hater & evil jail warden (Landfill, Golfballs!) IMDB

Dilio Nunez as Carl the cross dressin’ security guard (Maniacts, Hard Eazy) IMDB

Meredith McClain as Killa the leader of the jail gang (Beverly Kills) IMDB

Ker’in Hayden as Liz the brains of the jail gang (Blood Sucking Babes From Burbank) IMDB

Susan Ortiz as Alexis the jail gang muscle(Gypsy Girl) IMDB

Cheri Themer as Mouse the picked on jailbait (Nothing Anyone Else Knows Of Or Cares About At This Time)

Ronnie Green as Aunt chatty Kathy the chain smoking role model (Growing Up Vegas, In Vein) IMDB

Rebekah Crane as Eva’s daughter (Nothing Anyone Else Knows of Or Cares About At This Time)

Paul Boukadakis as Russell the kind hearted security guard (Rushers) IMDB

Julia St. Claire as someone in this movie (Dark World, V.I.P. Conan) IMDB

SYNOPSIS:

When a young lady at the wrong place at the wrong time gets thrown into a corrupt correctional facility for women, she is abused mentally, physically and sexually so when her daughter offers her a present of some worry dolls, with no one else to turn to she decides to place her faith in the dolls to see here through only to have the dolls come to life and crawl into her ear during her sleep possessing her with dark powers that exact wicked vengeance on her tormentors while leaving her stuck in jail and mentally traumatized with the dolls going into the hands of a new girl in need of help.

Snipit:

Eva to Liz – (Eva)”Aren’t you going to shower this morning Liz? If anyone in this place needs a shower it’s you! (Liz pushing Mouse’s face under her arm)”Take a good whiff! I am the best smelling Bitch in the whole place!”

Rating:

(2-1/2) Prozac’s and a few hits of liquid benedryl for: putting on the sex goggles, a giant walking yeast infection, uncle Leo’s electro shock therapy with jumper cables, the secret cellar den of inequity, the mule girl, mopping up for justice, electro shock light dimming, asylum models and painted back drops, security of undeterminable gender, turning your head into an evil coo coo clock, and WELL YA, a giant evil deranged glowing eyed screaming killer zit! YA! Nth!

Food:

A Couple of packs of Oscar Meyer sliced hard salami with a whole mess of Kraft cheese singles, a bog of nibs, some chex bold party mix, a few Brach’s orange wedges and a sixer of A&W sparkling vanilla crème soda with ice or whatever makes your Labor Day less laborious.

Other Memorable Lines:

Well, there were just sooooo many. Okay, maybe just two the snipit and this one that I couldn’t play on the radio.

Mrs. Ivar to Eva – (Mrs. Ivar)”Your trailer trash with barely an 8^th grade education. I’m surprise you can string two words together.” (Eva)”F, U! How’s that for two words.”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Well, ya Charles, you were a little on the low story side this time. Okay, again. Anyway, it’s another clever idea that was poorly executed. However, it’s a Charles Band movie so, you’ve got to see it. What else are you going to watch this week? The Office Season 4, Big Bang Theroy Season 1, or the Pooh’s hundred acre wood haunt? Ya, that’s what I thought. Besides, it has music by Band’s brother which for some reason is always good.

Punk sleep now. I think. Maybe, I am not even awake. Oh, are those pills. . .

IT’S THE MORNING SHOW WITH KERRY, BILL & GINA

That’s right, it’s radio for those that feel like hell in the morning!

1987 – to the present, 240 minutes a day, Rated PG/PG-13 depending upon your persuasion (for language, cartoon violence, brief drug use and occasional nudity), it’s an ACME and Simmons Media Production

Directed by nobody in particular until 2005 & written via the mad daily ramblings and activities of an ever changing and increasingly messed up world.

STARRING:

Kerry Jackson as the all round Geek, Master of the board and Wizard of the drops (You might remember him from KZHT, some country station, Singles Ward the movie & the Geek Show) http://x96.com/rfh/kerry/

Bill Allred as the radio thespian and part time voice of reason not to mention the sometimes father figure (You might remember him from The Deseret News, The Ogden Standard Examiner, Lighthouse 20 & Some Robert Altman Film) http://x96.com/rfh/bill/

Gina Barberi as the picky eater, under achiever & master of the 90 second quip observation (You might remember her from some sports station and/or just being the daughter of famed Utah radio personality Tom Barberi) http://x96.com/rfh/gina/

Ritchie Steadman as the guy trying to steer this runaway train ride (You might remember him from the Desert Star Theater or SUU) http://x96.com/rfh/richie_t/

Atropos as the Watcher, time keeper, historian, Liberian and official score keeper for the Radio From Hell Universe (You might remember him from any of a number of ninja movies) X96

Jeff Vice as the movie cricket & comic book nerd (You might remember him from the Deseret News and the local ska scene) http://x96.com/rfh/rfh_cast/jeffvice/

Bill Frost as the TV guru hippie (You might remember him from the movie The Car or “Death Car”) http://x96.com/rfh/rfh_cast/billfrost/

Kyle Brown as the wacky albino illegitimate son of someone or another (You might remember him from KJQ and Viewmont High School) http://x96.com/rfh/rfh_cast/kyle/

Punk as that crazy guy skulking the candy & video aisles of your neighborhood (You might remember him from KCGL and Viewmont High School) http://x96.com/rfh/rfh_cast/punk/

Dave The Flower Guy as the provider of gifts, master of lawn care & chairman of the boners (You might remember him as the City Weekly Best Utahn or from a street corner near you)

JT as the traffic Diva (You might remember her from KJQ II)

Margart Ruth as the official spiritual leader (You might remember her from UCLA) http://x96.com/rfh/rfh_cast/margaretruth/

Jake of the Web as the techno nerd youngster (You might remember him from Salt Lake Community Collage & Highland High School) http://x96.com/rfh/rfh_cast/jake/

Amy Donaldson as the title 9 sports reporter (You might remember her The Deseret News & 1280 The Zone) http://x96.com/rfh/rfh_cast/amydonaldson/

Ed Brass as the legal council & ambulance chaser (You might remember him from court)

Mike Summers as the part time program director, part time DJ, man in the machine and full time Vietnam flashback guy (You might remember him from KCGL, KZHT, KJQ, & KRP)

A Arlo Gumby as keeper of the farmer’s almanac and the home invasion beat down guy (You might remember him KJQ)

Angel Martinez as the original traffic angel (You might remember her from the mid 90’s)

Louise as hippie happy homemaker (You might remember her from Dick’s Market)

Hildi & Morlan as the Jewish wing of the religious department(You might them from temple or you local kosher market)

Mad Mexx as the road raged cervaza slammin’ dry waller.

The Parking Girl “Mickey” as herself.

SPECIAL THANKS TO: Peter Cole, Shawn Boy Walton, Chet Tapp, Cousin Brad, Todd Nuke Em, Andrea, Atrie Fufkin, Mr. West, Dom Casual, Mark Christiansen, Charlie the old curmudgeon, Mark Eubank, The Traffic Guy, Bob Sheldmeyer, Mr. Facer, Lee George Kade, Shannon the amazing sewer boy, Scott Pierce, Shawn Means, John Bray, Elizabeth, David James, Tara, Keva, Skank the Gutterboy, Prince Namor, Girl Intern and the rest…

SYNOPSIS:

In the late 80’s two young men were given the opportunity to broadcast their vision of radio from a shack in a cow pasture where wackiness ensued with things eventually taking off somewhere amongst the staff changes, being traded like cattle for a washer, a bag of balls & a copyright to be named later, having stuff stolen, being torn apart, dragged into radio wars, plagued with personal tragedy’s and eventually being brought back together only to have to deal with being sold out all while maintaining a steady climb in the ratings bolstered by the addition of a third (Gina) to their twosome who fit like she was never missing all culminating in a dramatic rise to the top becoming one of the premiere morning shows in the country where droves of misfits and escaped mental patients have all found a place to just fit in.

Snipit:

Kerry, Bill & Gina trying to work one day with no headphones – (Kerry)”It’s 7:05!” (Bill)”We got to the station today on the short bus.” (Gina)”Bill Forgot his helmet.” (Kerry)”Oh Bill you forgot your helmet!” (Gina)”He’s been bumping his head all over the place.” (Kerry)”Alright, one of these is the telephone… Can you guys hear that? (Bill & Gina)”No! All we can hear is nanana nana na nana…” (Kerry)”All you can hear is beeping?” (Bill)”I’ve now made a decision. We are renegotiating contracts right now. Ya we’ve got a meeting with the boss today. After that I am just going to trhow my contract on the floor and say I now retire!” (Gina)”I don’t have time to bleed.” (Punk)”Let’s go to my place I have a band-aid there.”

Rating:

(5) prozacs and some dramacet (you know, that cocktail of Dramamine and Percocet) for: The fun pigs, The cowboy poet, Mr. Manly, Frank Criss, The Irate gay guy, Richard Dawson, a pink caddy and a pink Toyota, the painful threshold, adventures in failure, fax requests, snuffy & gruffy, a giant inflatable rat, singles mixers, being profiled by the Crossroads police, Euro Trips, The Radio From Hell Olympics, new studio melt downs, kicking the equipment, cart chucking, borrowing other stations banners, Shatner saying happy birthday, The Black Santa, Howard Jones playing a piano in a backyard in Bountiful, German accents, lunging weasels, monkey, midgets and YES YES YES! The Running Dwarf nth!

Food:

A nice chuckwagon steak dipped in flour and fried with Dick’s skinless sausage link country gravy, taters and butter rolls, or a Swanson classic boneless MicRib TV dinner, with a roll of zots, some razzels, a bag of dum dums, a carton of candy cigarettes, some stix of laffy taffy, a box of Dick’s mini éclairs, some little Debbie M80’s and a few cases of Cream-O-Weber choco milk or whatever makes you feel like hell in the morning.

Other Memorable Lines:

“Whoops, that’s the studio line and were all fired.”

“Can we just loose this guy’s number?”

“And, you are a celebrity because…”

“So, your from England? What do you know about the Mormon Church and would you like to know more?”

Final Stupor of Thought:

Hey, what can I say. It’s the show that took me in and made me family. So, if you don’t like it, the dial does pick up other radio stations. Otherwise, look into the radio and follow the yo-yo listening to my voice. You will listen everyday. You will download the Radio From Hell Podcast everyday. And, you will spread the word that the zombies are coming. The zombies, the midgets, the monkey’s, the clowns, the robots, the pirates, the ninja’s, the squirrels, the kitties, and the panda’s so, you better stay tuned.

Punk go stare into the abyss now…